Feeling Helpless and Guilty
I've been with DH for more than 9 years and have known my step kids (ss11, sd12, sd14) since ss11 was in diapers. We only get them every other weekend and a month in the summer, but, I love them with all of my heart, as they were my own. What tears me up inside is that I love them as a mother, I care for them as a mother, I worry for them as a mother, BUT I have no power of a mother. I have no say in how they are raised. DH and I share the same views on parenting and neither one of us is happy with how BM is raising the kids, but we get no input. DH has tried in the past to instill rules, but BM seems to allow the exact opposite out of pure spite.
This was not as big of a problem when they were small, because the were so sweet and eager to please. Now SD14 is failing high school, skipping class to be with boys, wearing provocative clothes and being defiant. When I look at her, I don't like her. I feel betrayed by my own feelings, why do I feel resentment when I see SD14? Aren't I supposed to be filled with love whenever I look at my children? I can no longer find a connection with SD14, because I don't approve of her behavior. I don't feel like I can "hang out" with her and be buddies without her thinking that I condone her behavior, so I keep her at an arms distance.
I can't help but to wonder what I would feel like if she were my BC. I imagine that if she were my BC I would never feel like this, and that makes me feel like a failure. My own SM never was able to accept me as a child and I don't want my step-kids to feel the same way.
I am so frustrated! And with SD12 following in SD14 steps, I don't know what to do! I really feel so awful.
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Comments
I have had the same guilt.
I have had the same guilt. Although, I'm not saying my own children wouldn't have bad behavior, but when you can raise them and discipline them, yes you will feel differently. I don't know what to do about it either. However, my frusteration with my SS overrides any guilt. I think any guilt is from society telling us we're evil stepmoms if we don't love our stepkids as our own. That and the guilt from husbands.
Don't beat yourself up. You sound like a caring person and stepmom. You don't have to like her. Especially since she's getting older. It's ok to not like other people, but not Ok to not like a self-centered 14 year old? I don't think so. I think feeling awful is part of the stepmom role.
(((hugs))))Only a wonderful
(((hugs))))Only a wonderful mom would even ask herself these questions. Don't beat yourself up as like any relationship it will have ups and downs some days you will be full of love and some days not at all. Teens rebel its their thing and when they have a BM who just allows/encourages it that makes it even harder. As steps we can love these kids with full hearts and watch them grow but just like if they were our BC if they make bad choices it's gonna hurt.
Don't ever forget the power of your words or presence in their lives sometimes you don't think you make a difference but you really do, you show them another side of what being a mom/ a classy woman means and while teens are so self absorbed they can only see what they want to see at the moment. I have 7 kids our big blended family and the teen years are hands down harder than all the 12 before it! They will push every boundary try lots of things to "find" themselves mostly things that make us want to cry as we want them back to that more "controllable" cutie pie age we can handle.
As a BM myself there are times when even my own kids make me want to poke my eyes out with a stick! Honestly its harder when its your BC because then you blame your parenting and yourself so much harder when they screw up, when its the step kids that screw up you can at least blame some of it on the BM and her horrible parenting ha!