Struggling.....
I've been a step mom for a couple years now. When I started dating my partner his daughters were 13 and 11 years old. Now they are 16 and 18. Their mother was barely in the picture. Only came around when it was convienent for her. I had a great relationship with both of them. We spent so much time together.
After the mother saw the relationship that the girls and I had, then she wanted to be in the picture every day. I never stood in the way of that. I've always expressed how I think its important for them to have a relationship with their mother.
The youngest has an "ok" relationship with her mother and her and I's relationship has never changed.....The oldest daughter though......when she is on good terms with her mother, she doesn't speak to me and vice versa.
The oldest daughter was having issues with migranes and fainted while at work. She went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We were sent down the road and she had brain surgery 2 days later. They removed the whole tumor and then we found out that it was cancer. She came home and I stayed home with her so she wasn't alone for the first few days. Helping her wash her hair and bathe her. She had to do radiation treatment that her mother and father had been taking turns taking her down the road.
She didn't talk to me very much while going through treatment. I just figured it was because she was going through alot. Her father asked me if I was going to go to her last treatment because she asked him if I was going to go. But she never said anything to me about it. She finished her treatments last week. We all went down for her last treatment to watch her ring the bell.
She hasn't spoken to me since. I talk to her and she flat out ignores me.
I've always had to deal with the ex's crazy. She always tries to start problems. She now has a boyfriend and "their little family" so she tends to single her own kids out and doesn't invite them to things with her boyfriend and his son.
It's so bad that the youngest daughter has said that I do more for them than their own mother does. I have never tried to replace the mother. But the kids always knew if they needed something, they could come to me even if it was just to talk and vent.
I'm at a loss and not sure what to do anymore. I am tired of going through this every other month. I have completely disengaged. It makes me feel bad in a sense but at the same time, I'm tired of being treated like crap. I have always bent over backwards and don't even get respect in return.
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Welcome to Steptalk!
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You are right to disengage, and make things happen on YOUR terms. The girls are still young, and things may certainly change for the better, but it sounds like the eldest is going through a loyalty bind whereby if she loves you, she feels conflicted because of her mother. That used to happen a lot to me, and then the youngest whom I had a great realtionship with, she was super co dependent and enmeshed with her mother. It was THEM against well everything...
So, at the end of the day, they are still not your kids. You can love them to eternity and back, but they will still be loyal to their bio mother.
I recomend just focusing on you, your bios, family and your husband.
I appreciate you!!! It just
I appreciate you!!! It just sucks because when the bio mom didn't want anything to do with them they were literally up my rear. And now it's like the hell with me.....I just don't get it. I had step parents and NEVER treated either of them this way. Just crazy!
It's unfair and it's wrong.
It's unfair and it's wrong. And you know who you are and what you've done. Her loss. I'm glad you have disengaged. Who knows? In this situation, she could turn around. But then trust has been lost. Keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself.
Kids often end up in what is called a "loyalty bind" - they know
Kids often end up in what is called a "loyalty bind" - they know that to keep their mother happy, they have to act like they don't like the SM. Often, they know that the SM is better for them, but the urge to keep their mother's love and to keep her happy is strong. Many SM's have found themselves in situations similar to yours. It is not right and it feels terrible, but you are not alone. We often advice people to disengage, it seems you have figured it out on your own. It is tough, but you need to figure out what boundaries work for you.
Welcome, I hope that you find
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
At this point, stop investing in fee fees. Focus on behaviors. The why of those behaviors is irrelevant. The what.... is what matters. What is easy. It is observable and it is fact based. It is not feelings based.
Time to stop tolerating the crap and start calling them all out on it. DH's tolerance of the bullshit, the eldest's minioning for BM, BM's toxic crap, etc... Set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance that you require of those in your life and bring the consequences when they violate those standards.
If they behave reasonably, they are dealt with reasonably. If not, they live instant and escalating abject misery. Make it this simple for them to understand. Behave, or suffer.
Without clear enforced standards, you cannot live your best life in this shit storm of shallow and polluted gene pool dysfunction. Living well is what we each owe ourselves. Standards that you set and require compliance with are a foundation that even CODs raised in failed family dysfunction can reach viable quality adulthood with.
IMHO of course
Take care of you.
Update on how it's going.....
Update on how it's going.......my fiancé ripped into her. She talks to me when she wants to be nosey. That's about it. I finally snapped today. There's is no communication between myself and my SD. And honestly, I feel at peace with it.