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how do I open my DH's eyes?

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Mon, 04/04/2011 - 7:16am

I honestly and sincerely need advice on how to help my DH see what his permissiveness is doing to us and to his girls. We've talked about it, but he just keeps going back to being a guilt/permissive parent. They are totally in charge of the house and yet he spends his time talking about my biokids (who are polite and well-behaved and even his parents comment on how good they are). He simply cannot see the hell that SD15 and SD13 have created and that he's allowing to continue. What's so ironic is that he has told me how horrible his ex's kids were and how she couldn't see it and how difficult that was and how her permissiveness and blindness was the cluprit... Hmmm... Very ironic. I guess by comparison to her kids, his girls were better, but in comparison to reality, they are total brats. How can he not now see it? How did I become the bad guy for trying to help them become competent individuals who are responsible and make good grades? Do he honestly want co-dependent adult females that he created? NO, he doesn't. He tells me he doesn't...but that's what he's creating. And I certainly don't want those brats hanging around any longer than is absolutely necessary! But whenever I put my foot down or say anything, I'm just a horrible person (in his opinion...that he voices loudly). When we are able to talk about it, he says he sees and understands, and he makes a few changes or has a talk with the girls, but then he goes RIGHT BACK to the old way, and I have to say something again and that makes me a bad nagging person... I feel like my insides are screaming!

BTW, I always make sure to build him up as a person and tell him why and how much I love him, respect him and his decisions, and tell him what a good husband he's being for the cool stuff he does, (and it is all true) so the stuff about the girls isn't the only thing we talk about, obviously. However...he doesn't return the favor. I know that even if he's not doing the right thing, I still should (and if you don't agree with this point, please don't turn this post into an argument about it b/c it's what I believe in my soul and I'm committed to my marraige and to my DH 100%.) I want to FIX this, not find a way out. If you have any advice on how to help me open my DH's eyes, I'd be very appreciative.

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manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Mon, 04/04/2011 - 7:34am

If a skillet will fix it I'd try it! Wink I'm am admittedly struggling to find the balance between "door mat" and "bitchy wife"... Neither are acceptable. And b/c I struggle with that balance, I'm asking for help.

He's never even threatened to hit me though, so I probably won't try to skillet method - that may be a little extreme...abusive isn't something I'd want to be either... Wink

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Mon, 04/04/2011 - 8:00am

I never thought of it that way...that he feels like he has to protect his girls from me and that I'm asking him to do something (be firm) that he doesn't feel comfortable doing. And yes, picking my battles and drawing a line at "disrespect" is a good idea too. What I fear about turning a blind eye (and a silent mouth) to that though is that they will be still living with us when they are 30 and I will never have time to enjoy my husband alone...they will continue to be clingy co-dependent baby brats b/c he encourages this. If he doesn't change the way he handles them, then they aren't going to grow up. Or is this an irrational fear?

Well, and then also factor in that I'm 100% in charge when he deploys and the girls don't have a BM and grandparents aren't close, so there are no other viable options so there has to be a relationship. He can't parent at all when he's deployed.

And there's also the fact that he has no problem being firm with my biokids... I know it's not about fair, and I try to focus on the fact that if nothing more, it will make my biokids better people, but it's just maddening to watch and not comment on.

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Mon, 04/04/2011 - 10:55am

What's so insane is that he talks about how he does and doesn't want our 4 kids to behave...both my 2 and his 2...but then in the same day, he turns around and just lets it slide with his 2. He fusses at them all the same, but when the rubber hits the road, it's his 2 who he just decides on his own to let slide.

We have agreed to a handful of very basic expectations for the kids (grades, respect, chores, behavior, morals, honesty...) we have communicated and discussed these expectations, and we have reprocussions for them too. But for some reason, my kids need to lose tv for 6 weeks for the same thing his kids need to be overlooked and then allowed to repeat the offense.

He says one thing and then does another, so it makes difficult conversations even more frustrating. He wants good positive things for his girls, but he is unable to make them happen - and gets mad at me when I say or do anything. This past week I did tell him that I was NOT going to be a silent babysitter! He didn't comment, so I have NO idea if it struck a cord or not. But he did tell his girls (after I talked to him about it) that he was tired of them being nice to me to get stuff from me, then bratty to me when I was being parental...then a few hours later, he gets mad at me for telling SD15 that it wasn't okay to be out in the front yard with her butt hanging out of her short shorts ESPECIALLY when my 13 year old son was about to be home from his dad's house! (A rule we agreed to!) And then he also doesn't comment that I have to repeat myself THREE damn times before she goes in to change, all the while giving me attitude and rudeness! But when it comes to asking about getting a hair appointment, she's all nice and smiles... DH is all bark and no bite with the girls, and they know it.

I've asked around today about getting counseling through the military b/c with our situation as it is with me being the parent when he's depolyed, it's really complicated about drawing lines. Even though we both agree to the same set of rules, I seem to be the only one who enforces them. That's makes for even more difficult separations. And I know I draw the line at them living with us when they are 30...so we have to raise them ALL the right way.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 04/04/2011 - 10:01am

Sorry I don't have advice. Mine is the same I think. The skids aren't horrible, but they aren't perfect either. When I try to point something out, he KNOWS its not right but he just isn't motivated to change or do anything about it. He's either too lazy, given up, scared they won't come or all of the above.

It leads to so much frustration because you want to raise good human beings and the DH is an obstacle. I am starting to let go because of this. If my SO wants to let his skids talk the way they do, let SD15 walk around in low cut shirts and tight jeans, nothing I can do. For some reason these men act helpless.