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BM being mean to her own children

Pocky's picture

Recently my younger SS has shared with my husband/BD that BM has been saying mean things to him - comparing him to her BF's children constantly (this is new), calling him names (crybaby etc) and just being really hard on him in general (this is not new).  He has ADHD, is dyslexic, and possibly a bit on the spectrum, but otherwise a fairly well adjusted kid IMO!  The older SS is also bothered by these comparisons, but he's the golden child/good boy so he doesn't get punished/picked on as much.  Ironically, she is doing the exact same thing her own dad did to her when she was a kid. She hated being compared to his step kids. So you'd think she would understand how her own kids feel?! (BM, please go talk to a therapist.....)

So, now BD has to talk to BM about how her words are really hurting the boy's feelings. Of course, approaching her with any kind of disagreement will NOT be welcomed. She checks all the boxes for a covert narcissist, so... we generally try to avoid discussing much of anything with her unless it has to do w the boys. 

She already has a history of using the boys as a bargaining chip/threat/tried to gain full custody to take them away from BD because she HATES him, so we try to establish boundaries and avoid her. But this situation requires BD to talk to her directly - and man, she is like a bulldozer + brickwall with her words when she goes off.

Anyone have any advice on how BD can approach this without triggering BM to go on the offense?  Maybe this should be done via email to avoid a phonecall? I feel the SS's are talking to their dad about this because they are upset, and would like someone to step in. 

CastleJJ's picture

I would be cautious about approaching BM with this. For one, if she knows YSS is confiding in you, will BM increase the emotional abuse toward YSS as payback? Will confronting the issue make things worse for YSS and maybe lead to him no longer confiding in you? Can your SO get YSS into counseling during his parenting time so YSS has an outlet to discuss these issues? Also, your SO can help support YSS with this during his visitation time, without alerting BM. 

I would just be careful about addressing this with BM, if for no other reason than protecting YSS. If a conversation must occur, it needs to take place via email. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Rather than talking to BM, maybe he should try helping SS figure out coping skills so he can learn to deal with his mother himself. If DH doesn't have the skill set, it might be a good idea to get SS into therapy and let a therapist help him with this problem. If DH trys to talk to BM about this, she may end up taking it out on SS and his situation may get worse. Plus, it doesn't sound like she will be receptive anyway.

ESMOD's picture

I agree with the posters that caution about bringing this up with BM.  It will be viewed as an attack on her.  It will paint SS as a snitch to daddy to get her in trouble.. which won't improve things anyway.

It's also not totally unusual for kids to throw the other parent under the bus for sympathy.. so there could be some of that.

I think the suggestions on helping him cope with this might be the best strategy.  

The "why can't you be more like "timmy/your brother/my sister's kids/justin bieber.. whatever" can be hurtful, but I think that the misguided attempt is to point out someone as a good example.. and try to encourage the kid to emulate the other person.

But, BM won't be thanking him for pointing out she is perpetuating a learned dysfunctional cycle though.. his best way to handle it is to help his son deal with it.

Pocky's picture

Hmm these are all really good points.  Although I think we have a few things going for us tho - BM often wants to be the "better/favorite/best" parent in the eyes of the SSs, so historically she hasn't been terrible to them, bc if she is, it would drive the SSs away from her.  Since I've known her, her main goal has been to turn the SSs against DH - This hasn't worked though bc DH is a wonderful dad, and the SSs love and confide in him (and thats why I love that handsome fella *biggrin* ). In general they are great SSs and they don't bad mouth BM or DH ever (despite how much BM bad mouths DH).

In the end we feel we (and by that I mean DH, I dont' talk to her) shoudl speak up(via email), she needs to stop saying these hurtful things to them.  It would be pretty hard to get YSS into therapy right now, we only have them on weekends.  It also seems like a great burden to place on a child to defend themselves from one of their parents? (Not that we're here to protect them from everything, but this is behavior that has brought them to tears before)  They just want to love and be loved by BM... so sad.

Thanks for the advice tho everyone, we will see soon if we've made a mistake or not.  Regardless, we will keep an eye/ear out on the SSs and make sure they are safe from retaliation and happy.

Rags's picture

And, help SS gain confidence to defend himself against his toxic mother's bullshit.  "Mom, for a  supposed adult who used to cry when your own father did to you what you do to me you are not the most intelligent parent on the planet are you?"  Then make sure he tells his StepFather if he lays a hand on him that the 11yo will call the police on both of the idiot adults in the home.

My SS was PASd every time he went on SpermLand visitation.  Though not to the level your SS-11 has experienced they would go after him for taking food out of his three younger half sibs mouths because of the CS they had to pay on him, badmouth his mom, etc, etc, etc...  Facts are neither good not bad. They are merely facts. But when they can be shoved in the faces of the parents in the toxic blended family opposition by a well informed abused kid, they can work magic.

Time for dad and you to start working with his kid on his confidence, his knowledge of the toxic side of his family, and having the confidence to defend himself when his juvenile idiot mother pulls her shit.

Grrrrrr!

DH needs to speak with her directly and if she replies in a written format, keep it and smack the shit out of her in court with it. Closet narcissists, as with any narcissist, have a hard time keeping their mouths shut. Use that to your advantage.

Pocky's picture

The problem is she's very hard to talk to in person. She won't let you get a word in and she yells a lot, trying to escalate the situation. So we've decided (with the guidance of a lawyer) that communicating with text/email is the best since she tends to say awful things (we can use this against her later if we have to).

I do agree my SS11 needs to learn how to defend himself from how she treats him.  I think he's too young to know his mom is toxic, but we do need him to know some of her behavior/words are wrong. 

Rags's picture

That makes all communication an official record and the court can monitor it.  No interface except through OFW unless there is blood or high fever involved.

And.... the only answer to any of these manipulative BM requests has  to be NO!  She surrenders the Skids as the CO visitation order stipulates or she is smacked with a contempt motion, and.... she is held accountable for the care and feeding of the SKids on her time, and on any time your DH chooses to not have his kids per the visitation schedule. One of the few advantages the NCP has is that they can refuse any and all visitation at their discretion and when they do, the CP has no choice but to provide for the care of the child just as they are responsible for as the CP.

Her next planned vacation, DH needs to send her an "I will not be able to take the kids on this visitation."  No discussion beyond that.  She can cancel her vacation or make other arrangements.  Just to align her with clarity.

tog redux's picture

Beware. My SS played this "poor me" game at both homes to perfection. He would complain to us about BM and then go back and lie to BM about us. It's not DH's place to tell BM how to parent. He should try to empower SS to stand up for himself with BM rather than ride in and rescue him. 

ESMOD's picture

A lot of times kids will pull this because it gets them attention.  They can go to the parent du jour and get hugs and an icecream and a poor little baby treatment.  

Another tactic kids will figure out is what I call "opinion shopping"... going from parent to step parent .. or parent to parent to get the answer they want.  I let my SKids know that if they did that... the answer would automatically become NO. lol.

And.. you cannot imagine the irritation I experienced when the kids would go and tattle on whatever they think we said to them because BM would come back with a twisted version of the situation

So.. yeah.. don't bring it up with the EX.  

Even without actual therapy you can help him feel better and even help him understand that sometimes people say things without thinking and that in the end, the fact that he knows he is trying his best is the only thing that really matters.  

And.. you have him on weekends.. you aren't THERE to protect him when mom gets angry he told on her.

tog redux's picture

BM would send 9 paragraph emails about how awful DH was when SS would lie to her, DH never said anything to BM. She wouldn't have tolerated it and it was probably lies from SS anyway. 

Pocky's picture

Whats nice about my SS's is neither of them bad mouth their mom or dad.  They actually love both parents (despite BM being kinda cray cray, she wants to be the "better parent" in the "competition").  So luckily we aren't caught up in a tangled mess like you described (yikes that would be a nightmare!!).  

Its true we aren't there to protect him, and we often haven't had to intervene because she hasn't done anything terrible really.  I don't really expect us to do that often and we haven't.  This is the first time we've spoken up about her behavior towards the boys. It went poorly of course, she exploded and wanted to yell on the phone.  DH declined to talk.  Afterwards she proceeded to gaslight SS11 about how she doesn't yell at him and why on earth would he feel the way he does etc.  She also talked to older SS to confirm, "I don't yell at you guys at all right?" and he said "you yell at SS11 and over do the comparing us to your BF kids" (lolz).  Aiiieeee what a crazy biotch.  

Pocky's picture

I don't think he's er, crafty enough for that haha, he has a speech impediment and is a bit developmentally delyaed. He's a fairly straight forward kid. But yes, I agree we shoudl teach him some ways he can protect himself.  He already knows he can talk to DH about how he feels, he at least has that support.