my step kids
I am shaking as I write this. I just don't know how much more I can take. I love my husband, and he says he love me, but really I think I am just an afterthought. We have been married for 9 years. He has a 21 yr old D and a 23 yr old S. They live at home with there mom just a few blocks away. They go to school, but that's all. They don't feel they should have to work. The 23 yr old son does not even drive. My 24 yr old son lives in another city, works full time and goes to school. My husband has sat on his part time job for the past 9 years while I worked my fingers to the bone paying for everything. He has been waiting for his wealthy father to die which he did just this winter. The payout just arrived last week. Thankfully he did pay off a rather large credit card debt that I accrued while he was not helping me.
Anyway, he always said as soon as his dad dies we will take a nice vacation somewhere. So what does he do, he plans a wonderful Yellowstone adventure for this summer. Oh they will be hiking, camping, biking, site seeing through something that I have never laid eyes on in all my life.
I am insanely jealous of these kids....why? I guess I feel that he belongs to them. The three of them are best of friends. In fact these kids are really his only friends. The way I see it is he feeds off them. He smokes pot with them so they like him and think he is cool (my thoughts of course. He would never admit that). Once a week, after I leave for work at 615 pm, he goes and picks them up from their moms and brings them home for pizza, pot, and a movie. I don't hate these kids. In a way I enjoy their company when they are around....no pot smoking when the dull old lady is around. I am just insanely jealous and envious of them. I want to be my husbands best friend, but he already has two. He does not need me and I feel like I am just a thorn in his side. We have had screaming fights over this. I have just asked him not to bring up or brag about all the fun they have together. It hurts my feelings that I am not number one in my husbands life. I want to leave, but so far I have not had the nerve. I know once I go, it is all over. My leaving would not be my attempt to wake him up and make him realize how important I actually am to him. I don't want to play that game.
So I have tried to just ask him not to rub their friendship in my face and I try to put it out of my mind, but he simply can't not bring them up and every time he does I want to vomit.
I forgot to mention....its summer and my husband has a motorcycle. Most of the time I am his passenger, but sometime he takes one or the other kid somewhere on the motorcycle. It disgusts me to think that a 21 year old girl wants to sit on a motorcycle with her legs spread and daddy sitting right between them. Is it disgusting or is it just my own sick jealousy. I have got to do something about this jealousy because it is really taking from my life.
Anyone got any advise for me????
- marriageplus2's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Are you invited on the
Are you invited on the vacation too? It doesn't sound like it? Why not?
And since he inherited money, does that mean he still gets to work part time and you still have to work your ass off?
I would be soooooo outta there.
I was invited on the vacation
I was invited on the vacation as an after thought. I have to work part of the week so he says "come for the days you are off, I want you to come" however I cannot/could not stand to see him pass a bong back and forth with these kids. Drug use with your children is just way out of my idea of what is okay.
Since he inherited this 1/2 million, he is quitting his job all together and going to sit and play the stock market everyday, all day. And yes, while I still work my stressful/nights/12 hour shift/3 nights a week icu nursing job to pay the mortgage and finance my own personal needs.
I am really considering moving while he is gone on his vacation.
How long have you been
How long have you been dealing with this? How do you continue to deal with it or how do you not let it bother you when he keeps bringing them up?
You worded it so well....It is a deficiency and immaturity in himself. He puts the kids in a role that a spouse should have. These kids meet all my husbands needs except sex too. I can't hardly stand to be used for that role anymore when I am nothing else to him.
How old are your step kids? do you think these kids are capable of eventually growing up and getting lives of their own and staying out of our marriages. Do you think that someday, if you hang on long enough, that you will have a husband that looks to you to fill allll his needs?
I don't want to live this way forever......my husband is 59 and his kids are 21 and 23.
You are very right in your
You are very right in your comments.
You are lucky to have a DH that respects your wishes and allows you the freedom to make your own choices about your SS.
I wish I had what you have inside that makes it work for you this way.
I was invited on the trip as
I was invited on the trip as an after thought when I cried and said to him as I pointed to some of his vacation pamphlets....I said through my tears " it breaks my heart that you have chosen to experience this with someone besides me". The next day he said "you're right, you should see Yellowstone too, I want you to come".
Well problem is.....I have to work part of that week and there is no way I can get it off. So he says come for part of the week....well the other problem is....I cannot/could not stand to watch him smoke pot with these kids. I would spend my days there with a bunch of stoners....I can't do that. It makes me nauseous just to picture it in my head. And he has already said that they will not go without smoking for the half of the trip I am around. "its one against three, so I am out numbered" is what he said. He thinks I just need to get over it.
Kids are going to experiment with drugs and alcohol in their 20's, but no way should a parent hold drugs to their mouth and approve.
You are right, I have to figure out a way to deal with this or leave. I am getting some good pointers from this site. I wonder if these kids will ever be able to grow up and have lives of their own. The SS lives at home with his mom at age 23. I don't ever see him being able to be anything more than his dad is. I can see this kid living with mama and being dependent on his daddy forever.
Why are you living with
Why are you living with someone that works part time for 9 yrs and smokes pot?
Good question Probably
Good question
Probably because I felt stuck here. I was in too much debt to have the finances to get out. Now I do have the finances since he paid off this debt for me. If I can't figure out a way to deal with this, now is my time to get out.
I moved to be with this man 1700 miles. (which I never would have done if I had known this about him) Frankly I did not even know he smoked pot the way he does...daily. He had mentioned he smokes pot occasionally and to me that means a few times a year. He lied to me and then I was stuck.
I would be stuck in the area for a few years. I have a contract that requires me to stay at my job for about 2 more years....but there are options. Such as I could leave this town, but work for the same company and live closer to my son.
I might do that. I have this problem where when it comes time to leave, I don't know how to move my feet. I can see it is going to be a situation that can't be planned....like I can't say to him "its over" and then make plans to leave. I have tried, but he has a way of acting like he does not care and then I feel so alone and scared that I end up begging him to love me.....
I am a mess aren't I! I am hoping by writing to real people here I can figure it all out and learn to be strong and smart about my own life. I am capable. Something happens to your soul when you are controlled by someone like this. Before you know what you have gotten yourself into, they have ahold on you and then it is too late.
I think that is coming. I am
I think that is coming. I am going to suggest we split things 50/50 since he has so much money now for pot, expensive vacations with the kids and shopping sprees.
yes he is very selfish....arrogant is a word I often use to describe him.
yes, toughen up. either
yes, toughen up. either refuse to be his sugar momma, insist he treat you as his wife and the #1 person in his life, or let his kids have him. you have absolutely nothing to lose with either option. remember, you teach people how to treat you and you have failed yourself in this. begin thinking about how worthy you are of soooo much more. the only thing worse than spending 9 years in the situation you've described is wasting 9 years and 1 day. when a woman is afraid of losing a man she gives that man way too much power and control over her. stop being afraid. take control of your life. only you can fix this. he obviously does not have YOUR best interest at heart. and if you don't look out for yourself, who will?
Ugh. 9 years at a part time
Ugh.
9 years at a part time job and he smokes pot.
Why havent you dumped him by now?
Yeah FDH and I have smoked pot in the far flung past. Like when we were teenagers.
Must be nice to work less than 30 hours a week and get high while your sugar mama works her ass off. Pretty damn cushy I'd say.
I would knock any ANY woman off the back of my man's bike WITH my helmet, if they didn't get my permission first. And...no bitch better be stupid enough to ask me that anyway.
No he isn't going to pay off
No he isn't going to pay off the mortgage. Most of the money is tied up in 401 and not readily available. We have one of those houses that was purchased right before the housing crash so we are upside down anyway. If this does not work out I'll leave and leave the house with him. I realize that does not release me from my obligation to the mortgage company but I will cross that bridge later. What is a RiceSlinger?
Forget all the rest . .I'm
Forget all the rest . .I'm still trying to wrap my brain around your DH sitting and waiting around on his father to die for an inheritance!!!
Like lucymomme said, he uses
Like lucymomme said, he uses the kids for everything a spouse should be except sex. It's the only place I feel like I mean something to him.
I don't know why I put up with this. I am too weak. Things have not always been this way. He did not start out working part time....he gradually made that transition and he has not always run to his kids. My marriage is not what it used to be. Never that great, but never this bad.
you've done too much for him
you've done too much for him and have allowed him to become too comfortable.