It's over....AGAIN. Sigh.
I am really sad and down. I hate this and wish I could fix it.
My bf and I have been going through this for a year now. When I met him, he didn't have custody of his son and didn't even know where his son was, due to the BM snatching the child from school one day. He was great with my own son and we were OH SO HAPPY.
Then, CPS called and his son was returned to him. The drama began. From eating macaroni and cheese with his hands to cursing - spelling his name with numbers and the extreme ADHD - mine and my son' world was turned upside down.His lack of willingness to get help for his son or even face that there was an issue took its toll. We broke up for a while for him to get help for his son. Got back together after that happened. But there was always something else wrong. When I went to BF with it, he ignored it or made excuses. He wasn't completely honest with his son's psychiatrist during sessions and it became clear that our ideas on child-raising were incompatible, (allowing his son to take 2 hour baths while the rest of the house just waited, allowing his son to talk to him in any way). I was having to do almost all of the child care due to his job and I noticed a lot of things that weren't quite right with his son and when I brought it up, it was always swept under the rug, he would go off on me or I would get ignored.
Things came to a head last night when BF was using my cell phone and saw that I had taken a video of his son and sent it to a child psychiatrist friend of mine to get her input and had vented to a friend about what was going on (a text from the friend came in while he was using my phone). We broke up and while I agree its for the best - its still so hurtful. There was so much about this man that I ADORED. So much that I'm worried that I will never find again. I just hate that I could never bond with his son and could never get used to the issues he had.
Maybe I shouldn't have videotaped his son and sent it without permission - but I was just trying to find a way to help without him throwing a fit about it when I brought it up.
I just have to face that they are a package deal and move on. It's just so sad though.
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Thank you so much for that. I
Thank you so much for that. I know you are right. This is just day 1 of a break up. I just can't stop crying. I feel so guilty, like maybe had I tried harder and maybe had I opened my heart more somehow...but I just couldn't seem to make it happen.
The bottom line is YOUR
The bottom line is YOUR relationship should have come first. My DH almost ended time and time again over my developmentally disabled SD. Eventually my DH actually came to the realization that my comfort and our relationship comes first. Since then we never fight and things are in balance. My SD is actually a much more tolerable child now that she understands her place and role in the family. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Maybe one day he will get it. I know there is something better out there for you. Perhaps even a child-less guy! I'm sorry you are going through this. Even when something is for the best it can still hurt like hell.
I just feel guilty. I was
I just feel guilty. I was always so happy when it was just BF and I. We would take weekend trips and I would be so happy. We both were. I didn't have that same feeling when his son was around. It was something I tried to fix, but its like I couldn't make my heart feel a certain way. I went to doctor appointments with them, made treat bags for his class, bought clothes and took him places. I never mistreated him, but we just never bonded. And I feel so bad for it. How could I love his dad so much but not open my heart to his son?
In the mornings, after BF had gone to work,I would sit on the couch and watch tv. I would hear a door open from the back and knew that one of the boys was up. I would say a silent prayer that it was my son and not his because of the nonstop talking, loud noises and craziness. And I feel so bad about it. His issues were just too much for me.
Not only is this breakup better for me - I also think he deserves someone who can open their heart to his child.
I never understood why these
I never understood why these men get angry for wanting to help their children and co parent with them. They could have found a much worse mate who was crazy, whoring around, doing drug etc. You know, the BM they left behind.
It is sad for the BF and his son, because they really lost a good woman in their lives. For you, you saw the light and saved yourself a whole lot of heartache and drama. Take time for yourself and your son before getting into another relationship. There will be someone out there just for you
I saw a stupid wedding on tv
I saw a stupid wedding on tv and was in here crying my eyes out when I read your message. You are so right. The whole reason his son had these issues weas because of his mom popping pills while she was pregnant with him, (as she did with her other 5 kids by 5 different men). It wasn't until me that he even had the notion of getting help for his son in the first place. I called around to all the doctor's offices. I looked up the information. I looked into new schools for him that would help with his diagnosis.I looked up the info on uniforms and actually went to the store to pick out the shirts his son would need. I have my flaws, but I was sure doing more than he was in getting help for his son.
I'm going to get the tears out, spend time with my son - maybe take him on a cruise this fall - and see what happens.
Had I not come here with
Had I not come here with this, I would be blaming myself for days...if not weeks.
You are right. When I talked to him about how he is raising his son, he told me that we just don't see eye to eye and that's just how it is. Ok, so its ok for your son who can't read or tie his shoes and who says "I'm is hungry" to be killing people on Black Ops on the Playstation. Ok. So he can know that you press C to shoot someone in the head on a video game but doesn't recognize the word "cat". He will have no toys in the bathtub but still sit there for HOURS without washing himself.Talks to people who aren't there. Used his hands to put butter on bread in a restaurant and orders his dad around as to what he will eat and when he wants the bedtime story that I started the routine of reading each night before bed. Before me the poor kid didn't have a single book.
Unless he gets some stuff straight soon - that's exactly what is going to happen. Take a child who already has some issues from his mother abandoning him, allow him to immerse himself in a hoodlum lifestyle, don't read to him or teach him anything, never concern yourself with what goes on at the school, allow him to run over you - that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
Time will tell.
My friend has been telling me
My friend has been telling me that for months. "Meg, you TRIED. I have watched you deal with things that I would have left for MONTHS ago. But you keep trying. You can't feel bad for that. You haven't been happy and this just isn't the situation for you. These things aren't your responsibility."
And it's true. I honestly was still trying to make the situation work with his son out of obligation and it was wearing on me. Just to get away from them, I would lie about where I was sometimes. "Oh I have to run into work for a few hours" - just to avoid having to spend time with them. Really, I was hanging out with friends, having a drink. That took a toll on our relationship as well.
This really is for the best.
Your priority should be your
Your priority should be your son. He needs to parent his own child and maybe without you there, he will see the problems and get his kid help. It is always easy to blame the messenger.
You will find someone better, just make sure they have no kids....