Fight with DH over my ss14
DH and I got into an argument tonight. We only ever argue over ss14 and BM. BM decides to let ss14 join basketball and informs DH that there is practice Friday's after school. DH texts me and asks if it's okay that he goes and gets ss14 on Saturday instead (it's a 4 hour round trip).
I got livid with DH. Ss14 has crap grades, C's and D's, he also has missing assignments. I told DH that I shouldn't have to rearrange my weekend plans for ss14 basketball practice when he is not even eligable to play the games anyways. That ss should be spending and extra time with a tutor. DH excuse is that ss is socially awkward and this would help him gain friends. "Great, ss will be popular with friends while flipping burgers a McDonald's".
I have been resenting ss more and more over the years. His attitude has changed and just bringing ss or BMs name up starts a fight between DH and I. I am miserable when he is here, I try to hide out as much as possible.
The fight resulted in me telling DH that if ss ever asked to come live with us after HS (because he can't get into college, or is to lazy to attend) that I would leave. I count down the years left until ss turns 18. I have a DS19months and have to wait until CS ends to be able to support having another child. So much of my life right now gets dictated because of BM and SS. I refuse to have a grown man child in my house making me more miserable when I'm trying to be a young mother.
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I understand and hear your
I understand and hear your frustration. Is it possible you are putting the cart before the horse? I agree that if the child fails to launch, it is not your problem. The expectation should be clearly expressed, that he will not become your responsibility at 18.
Does the sport really affect you personally? Let this go. Don't fight over it and stop trying to manage the issues at hand. It is your H and the BM's problem to solve. If they are fine with c & d's, then they are accepting average
Focus on your child and set higher expectations for your little one.
It does effect my household.
It does effect my household. It affects our Saturday's now that we normally spend time together. DH will now be making that 4 hour round trip to get SS, instead of Friday's. Saturday is the ONLY day we have off together. So DH will wake up super early to go get him, then he will be to tired to do anything rest of the day.
No it does not affect you
No it does not affect you personally. You're letting it affect you, it's a few hours on a Saturday. Is it just this one Saturday?
BB goes until February. So
BB goes until February. So it's every other Saturday that this would happen... So, yes, it does affect me personally. You cannot decided what does or doesn't affect me. I am a poster that actually enjoys spending time with my husband. All the other days I get to see him for 2 hours a day. I don't even get to eat meals with him, except Saturday's.
And your H sees his son every
And your H sees his son every second weekend. Not every day, not every weekend, not even an hour every day. I love spending time with my H too. I am lucky if it's 2 hours a day with how we work. A large amount of working families have this exact same amount of time. Were this your child and your H was spending those 2-4 hours with your child would it upset you as much?
All I ask is for you to hear a differing perspective.
No it doesn't. Nothing
No it doesn't. Nothing motivates this kid. This is he same kid that stole my underwear and electronics from the house. We punished him and took away his gaming systems until he could stop stealing. Guess what, he kept stealing them.
No. He doesn't stay at his
No. He doesn't stay at his parents house. That would be impossible as we have a 19month to care for.
Different poster
Different poster tommar.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/224935
Like I said; so ss14 will
Like I said; so ss14 will have friends, great! But he'll also be flippin burgers at McDonald's.
BM is not the type of parent to help Ss with his homework or even making sure it's been completed; she had "other kids to worry about too you know" - her words. Ss got kicked out of BB last year because he had D's and F's. BM still insisted that ss be in basketball, so it took the school to step up and say he can't even attend practice because he needs to focus.
Do you think that will make him friends? Being kicked out of a sport and your entire team knows about it... Yeah right! This is middle school, he will just get picked on even more.
Oh my…you need to slow your
Oh my…you need to slow your roll here a bit and try to calm down. IMHO. (still not sure if you are livid because DH is picking him up on Saturday or because SS in in Bball)
And really…what would you have DH do? Make SS quit so that he can do homework at his dads house a few days a month? Not pick up SS? This is not worth getting livid over. But it is good that you said something about him being a drop out. You really need to discuss with DH that NO kids (yours too) will be allowed to live with you if they drop out of HS. And they can only live with you after HS if they are in college (PASSING) full time and work part time.
I know you are frustrated but I think there is more going on here that is making you get so angry over something that is NOT worth the anger.
I think it would be useful
I think it would be useful for you to do a good root cause analysis on this. The root cause of this frustration seems to be that instead of your DH travelling on Friday to pick up SS, he's wanting to do it on Saturday, when you otherwise would spend time with him. It feels like he is putting SS and his wants (to go to basketball practice) ahead of your wants (to spend time with your DH). That feeling is exacerbated by the fact that BM is the one who had him join the basketball team in the first place, which is resulting in a disruption to your time with DH, so it feels like her wants are more important to your DH than yours are, too.
The grades and social awkwardness are just noise.
I get upset when I feel like DH puts other people's wants--and remember these are wants--ahead of mine. Your DH could tell SS that he's picking him up as scheduled on Friday. He could tell BM that he's picking up SS after practice on Friday, but instead, he's doing it on Saturday, when he would otherwise be spending time with the you.
Should you be mad? Maybe not about this incident, but it sounds like it's a long-term issue that is smacking you in the face.
You need to have a conversation with your DH to talk with him about how you feel that he puts other people's needs (SS and BM) ahead of you. You will have to be careful and conscious not to criticize SS and stay focused on the way you're feeling. Or, as others have pointed out, you can suck it up and deal.
Everything you wrote is
Everything you wrote is exactly this issue. I've told DH my feelings on this issues for 9 years. I hate how BM can make decisions that affect my household. I despise the way she talks to him, like she owns him.
I do step back and analysis the situation. I know the other issues are just noise, but sometimes noise has to be heard too..