Struggling!
I never, ever wanted my own kids (or that's what I've always convinced myself anyway). I never wanted to get involved with anyone with a child either.
Anyway... I started seeing this guy and have moved in with him. I knew he had a daughter and I love the kid. We both battle with our own mental health issues and are both really struggling at the minute. My current situation is not ideal. We live together with his ex wife (she didn't want to move out until she could see first hand how the transition went with me moving in to the home). This woman is driving me crazy. Making comments about when we are struggling she has to do more and that I should know stuff straight away as Im the one that's decided to take someone on with a child so have to be involved constantly. Because of this it's making me struggle more and more with the child and I feel like a failure that I'm not coping or interacting with her (shes only 5) as I should be. This whole family dynamic is really new to me but I'm finding her comments really putting me down, especially when the time comes for her to leave she is leaving my partner and me to be the primary carers as she cant cope. I'm finding the daughter more and more demanding and needy and honestly I'm just finding it exhausting and my mental health slipping further. I openly talk to him as he does with me about when we struggle but it just feels never ending and that his ex is really controlling how we do things and how we should live. As well as still needing constant emotional support from him, even though she makes him feel like shit.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can make this transition and massive change a little easier?
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I should also point out one
I should also point out one of the reasons I'm struggling is because with it not being my child and everything fairly new I dont feel like I have authority or to discipline her when its needed as I know her mum would have something to say.
Woah... Why was he still
Woah... Why was he still living with his ex after they split? I'm assuming you knew they lived together when you started dating him? Then you moved in with the two of them & their kid?? I'm sorry, but wow, no wonder there's drama! Why are you doing this to yourself? It's hard enough being with a man with children, but sharing a house with the ex as well?? I'd move back out & tell him to sort his sh*t out then get back to you. Or just find someone who doesn't have kids. This is crazy.
I knew they lived together
I knew they lived together yes, initially this was not the plan. I was going to move in once shed left, for some stupid reason they stayed living together for the sake of their kid and were gonna to completely part ways once she was older so that she still had both parents around. They hadn't Intended on meeting new people. I only ended up moving in after shed invited me, I'd been with an abusive partner, had separated but due to having no where to go had been staying on the couch still so she invited me into the house so I had a safe place. Stupidly I took it because it meant I got to see my future hubby more. Normally the atmosphere is quite relaxed and we are trying to show the child that parents can separate without hating each other and thay we can all be friends. People are often really shocked and laugh at the living situation because, yer I know. It's weird. The ex is due to leave in the next week or 2 but im now expecting the SD to see me as the reason her family longer live together. Part of me still feels like shes hanging on to him because shes never been alone and is terrified at the thought of losing her 'best friend'. I think a large part comes down to having D.I.D and because me and her are similar, we clash a lot as well. I can see myself being friends with her but st the minute it's like walking on eggshells because I never know if shes gonna flip out or not - she reminds me a lit of my mum and I want to protect my SD from some of the shit she pulls.
That's a lot
While the situation does sound very complicated I imagine it's confusing for the child. Her parents are getting divorced and before her mom moves out, someone else already moved in and suddenly she has 3 parents. A slower transition would probably be healthier for everybody.
But since you are in this situation now, it might make it easier to take a step back. Don't worry about being a disciplinarian yet, but be there when the daughter needs something. When the ex wife puts you down explain to her that 1) you have no parenting experience and all of this is new and 2) she's the one that invited you to go ahead and move into their house. To be completely honest the best thing to do would probably be to find somewhere else to stay while the divorcing couple sorts everything out.
Next time she makes comments,
Next time she makes comments, point out that perhaps there wouldn't be as many if she could hurry up and get the heck out... YOU are the woman of the house now, so SHE needs to back off
The OP is not the woman of
The OP is not the woman of the house. Thet ex allowed her to move into HER HOME.
Hell, the BM made it clear from the start that she was doing to ensure the transition went well. We all know that's code for control what you do with my kid.
Mom's proposition was absolutely ridiculous. The OP's acceptance of it was equally ridiculous.
Nothing about this situation is normal. That poor kid is going to be mixed up and may need therapy to navigate this foolishness.
Oh honey... Please find
Oh honey... Please find somewhere else to go. This child will hate you forever for breaking up the family unit. The BM in your situation is SUPER controlling. You and your BF have been together for like 5 minutes and already calling him future hubby. You left an abusive relationship and landed on a couch and rushed back into a serious relationship...
PLEASE- the mom in me is coming out hard here!! Please- get yourself some counseling. Move out and live on your own. I am not saying you have to break up with this guy, he may be fantastic, but you are not where you should be emotionally. It is so obvious it is smacking us all in the face! Don't enter in to a marriage with all of the baggage you are bringing from your past relationship that makes you think that any of what you are living through right now is even remotely ok. Don't enter in a marriage with a target on your back- which you don't even realize you have. This will not end well as you are sitting right now.
I am not saying that this can't be turned around, but there are things that you have to do be in a healthy place. You are not there right now honey, please, please stop and think about this logically.
Trust me when I tell you it
Trust me when I tell you it takes YEARS to recover psychologically and heal from an abusive relationship, you may think you *found* a safe place and that your SO is "it" but TRUST ME you are wrong! You jumped right into another sick situation. Move out and figure out who you are or you will wake up one day 10 years from now and wonder how you let your life get so messed up
^^^OP THIS X 1000
^^^OP THIS X 1000
Please listen to this advice. Find your feet fast and move out. Continue to date the man if you absoultely must... but take some time living on your own away from constant stress. The constant stress is not allowing you to heal from the 1st abusive relationship. Now you are suffering abuse from YOUR BOYFRIENDS EX WIFE...and maybe him too, but you are so conditioned to abuse you are not even recognizing it.
Please please move out so you can heal.
This is a beyond messed up situation
How the heck did you agree to living in this home with the exwife??
when people divorce they do not choose to stay together in same home for the sake of their kids. This is such an unhealthy confusing family dynamic for this kid and i have to say it seems they’re still emotionally married to one another.
Is the bio mum refusing to get a job and get back on her feet? So she decides in her head we’ll stay together for our kid so i can benefit from rent etc.
is your partner paying solely all the rent/mortgage and expenses? How is that all working out?
tbh even if skids or the exwife decide to invite themselves into your home disrespecting your privacy, you’d threaten to call the cops and ask they get the f*#k out!! How on earth have you been suckered into living in the same home? How on earth can there be any intimacy between you 2?
I call bullshit on this living together for the sake of this kid!!
hun there are plenty of fish in the sea, your man needs to think about what he really wants because this is a really f*#ked up dynamic