What would happen if you took BM back to court to have CS lowered on the basis that the time with the children is split evenly? Is that possible (I don't know, but this is where I get confused with CS, it doesn't seem fair that one parent pay the other CS when they both have the child equally...)?

I wish we had kept our finances separate; my good credit, along with my hard earned money, went down the drain pretty fast. If I knew then what I know now.....

Don't make the same mistake I did, Milomom!

Agreed. Keep your funds separate. This was totally nonnegotiable with my DH. Would also recommend you have a prenup and a will if you do get engaged. It's not romantic, but you want to be sure you both agree how debts and assets will be handled and make sure you are taking care of each other plus his kids and any you have together. If money is a hard topic now, it'll only get worse.

Milo dont combine your income at all. You are completely right in keeping in separate because of his financial responsibilities to ex and his kids. That being said, he's the one being selfish to even ask!
Give you a hint...my hubby asked before we got married about money and kids etc...i laid it to him straight.
1. Money does not combine due to your previous responsibilities. I will not pay for his kids or anything that has to do with his responsibilities...ie gas for the pick up cause it costs! they're over 3 hours away. Not my bill to foot!
2. He has his cig and beer habit...again..not my bill.
3. He's got GUILT! like any other divorced dad, and if given the extra cash , he will spend my cash on his kids...ueeehhhh..no way!
I told my partner before we got married, i'm sorry that he is tight for cash, together we can share the living expenses but i'm not his bank account for him, his kids or his ex.
I remember on many occasions even his exwife! asked him point blank , well why can't you borrow the money off of angel and pay her!? This was for an extracurricular activity because she wanted the money pronto instead of him giving her a post dating check...sorry honey, i'm no ones bank account and if he is paying you slowly for that, be lucky he is evne doing that for his kids instead of refusing straight out....because in his divorce decree it clearly states he can refuse any extra if he doens't agree with her.
EIther way, its none of my business...raising his kids is between him and her..not me. Unless its an emergency...that is different.
Milo...dont worry about your bf being peeved! he just wants the extra cash. Please do not combine your income. And if he hasn't even engaged you in 6 years! i would honestly ask a serious question...do you want ot stay with this man? If you love him, fine..i understand but stand your ground. Keeping seperate accounts when it comes to stepkids and him will save you alot of headaches in the long run. And he absolutely must be BLIND! if he can't see that bm will try to take him back for more money if it shows the combined income. If she is living off of the CS..says alot about her. Dont budge on this!

I completely refused to combine my income with DH's too. He showed some resentment at first but I very clearly explained to him....if we combined income then every single penny you consider giving to your child (outside of CS) will have to be cleared by me first. He said...it's my kid and my money. I said no, if we combine our incomes it would be your kid and OUR money. }:)

He opened a new checking account in both of our names which is for bills. I deposit half of our rent and any shared expenses into that and he pays for them. We split groceries and utilities evenly. I don't touch the joint account and he has no access to mine. This way I don't care if he wants to buy or give anything to his child, as long as he's keeping up on his half of expenses. His money, his choice.

Uberskank and DH's kid (aka the Entitlement Twins) will never have knowledge or access to MY hard earned money. Unlike Uberskank, I work for a living. She tried to get a hold of one of my paycheck stubs at the last court hearing to prove I was paying for DH's child's medical/dental insurance. I gave her an email from our HR department instead, with the total monthly deduction from my paycheck. She said it wasn't good enough and demanded a copy of my last paycheck. I said there is no way in hell she's getting her greedy little claws on MY financial information. The judge agreed and said the letter from HR was sufficient. **Before I'm asked, insurance through my plan is nearly $300 less a month than going through DH's plan. he makes up the deduction from my paycheck by paying for our date nights **

I told him I would consider going to one account after his financial obligations to his child are over.

I do not think you should combine your money. Its not a smart thing to do. Keep your bills sperate. My BF and I own a home together and are raising three kids. Our income is seperate and the fact that he pays child support does not take away from the responsanility that he has towards the home we have. Here is how ours breaks down

BF:
Half the mortgage
cell phone
car payment
insurnace
his credit card debt
food
Child support for three kids
Half of daycare for two kids

ME:
Half the mortgage
cell phone
care payment
insurance
cable/phone/internet
Water
Electric
Half may daughters before and after school care

The cable/phone/internet and Electric are around the same cost as buying food for the house during the month. The way I look at it is he chose to have these children. It is not my responsability to provide for them finacially its his. He chose to start a life with me and I dont feel I should have to carry more of the burdan of that becuase of decisions he made in the past. Just my two cents

Sorry to hear this. It's not just New York, North Carolina has the same stupid law. My husband and his ex shared joint custody. But because he made more than her, and she lied about her wages (she is a waitress also), he owed her. Because of that, the judge ordered that she payed daycare expenses. This was about the same amount as child support, so my husband didn't mind, because he knew his son loved that daycare. Well, a month after being rewarded the child support, she took him out of the daycare without my husband's permission and put him with a friend. She pocketed the child support for herself. My husband always payed for his school supplies/clothes/health care and anything he needed. She never would get his haircut or even clean/trim his nails. He always made sure he was well taken care of. She would have the nerve to tell him what to get their son for christmas/birthdays so she could take credit for it. I thought this whole child support was so unfair. They split custody and he took care of everything anyway. He was basically paying for her to use the money personally. Luckily, he ended up getting physical custody and we moved out of state.

I don't think you should have to share $$ when he has 1500 in child support. Especially since he has married you yet in 6 years. You don't want to be in a marraige if you feel you are being used as financial support for him. I agree you should split mortgage and other bills. But the 1500 needs to be on him. How inappropriate for you to be ultimately helping in paying the BM in child support. 1500 is ridiculous. It doesn't cost that much to take care of them for a month. Especially since he's with you guys half the time. Hold your ground. If he doesn' want to marry you because of this, sounds like its not a good idea anyway. If he does, make sure you have a seperate account and simply pay half the bills with him. GOod luck!

I have been in your shoes with my BF...I said no to combining finances too, because of two reasons...I receive CS which is for MY kids not for a lazy BM like yours who chooses not to work and secondly, because I make more money and was basically paying for EVERYTHING.

I took a huge financial hit when I got divorced and you know, I have to look out for #1, meaning me. I put my finances and future into my marriage and made decisions based on staying married and it only burned me in the end. My ex walked away with an advanced degree and a six figure salary while I walked away as an unemployable stay home mom. Well guess what? Unlike BM I went back to school and more than doubled my salary in a few years. I was totally broke and I clawed myself back out of debt and there is NO MAN that will bring me down financially again -- F no.

Maybe you could put your contributions together in a separate joint account to pay for household expenses?

I didn't read all the other posts but I really don't like your BF questioning why you should get married if you're not going to pool resources. Getting married isn't a financial contract -- it's about love. Makes me wonder what his motivators are.

BTW, I live in MA and it sounds a lot like NYS...lazy BMs have it made in this state!

Trust me, you're doing the right thing. Don't let him guilt you into what you're not comfortable with. You're uncomfortable with it for a reason girl!

I think he is playing the finance card in the hopes of avoiding a getting married argument.

Now he can use that as an excuse as to why he doesn't propose. I dealt with a very similr man in the past--no kids though-- and I was never "perfect enough to his standards"

IMO- 6 years is a long time to be dating someone. By know you both should know if you are for each other or not. If not, he needs to do the right thing and let you move on.

My husband and I do NOT combine our incomes. Forget it. We split things evenly down the middle basically...for instance..

HE PAYS
Mortgage
Utilities
Day Care for his son
His own vehicle insurance
His own cell phone
His Visa

I PAY
Our daughters daycare ($1000/mos)
Groceries
Clothing/including kids
Extra curicular things the kids might do
Home Insurance
My own vehicle
My own Cell
My Visa

After all of those things are paid, I don't care what he does with his money... really I don't. I contribute to Retirment plans...as does he...the rest is moot... if I want to blow my money on shoes...so be it.. if he wants to go out with his friends... go right ahead. We've never had any issues. I was married before and I combined my income with my ex-husband. He monitored everything I did and it became a real bone of contention. My current husband and I have one joint account where we put savings such as vacation fund... but that's it. He doesn't even pay CS...if he did it would be a double NO WAY. You are 100% right...they are his children and him and his Ex are financially responsible for them!

I think that finances is one of those topics that it can work one way with some couples, but not with others, and vice verse. This has to be an agreed upon item. I know some who do not mingle and some who do----my DH and I for the most part do---but we each have our own little accounts for other items. We are PC's so we do not have to worry about support going out, only coming in. I have an account that my CS money comes into, and any major (non daily living expenses) for my BS, I take from that account. DH does the same w/BD. But the rest of our money is pooled together to pay for everything else--but I also work PT from home and would never make as much as DH, but that is our choice.

I strongly suggest Premarital counseling to anyone, as this would be a topic to discuss there and other items that you may not think of.

I'm not combining income with my husband either. We just got married on Monday, we've talked about it before and I will never do my taxes with him or anything because of BM!

I would say, in general, don't combine finances. I did with my first husband, and ended up supporting him for years and then losing my retirement in order to clear the books and complete the divorce.

That said, even with that history (and my BF/FH's crappy financial history), I did combine finances with my current BF/FH. Here's why: it's not really a joint account. He gives me all of his money, and I manage ALL finances. His checks go in to a separate "sub" account of my account (that's all the info BM is entitled to; the info on the sub-account associated with HIS money). I set his allowance, I control all the spending. If he overspends, there's hell to pay and he's learned not not incur my wrath. My answer when he complains? Fine! Manage your own money....and you know you don't like the results of that! I move money between accounts to pay bills, pay for skid stuff, and plan for vacations and whatnot. I never thought I'd ever combine finances again, but I did here because I have all the control. Under any other circumstances? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

A couple of people have brought up prenups. I'd say, while difficult and painful, they are probably very worthwhile. I'm the one in our relationship with an estate, and I'd want to protect it in case anything ever went wrong between us. Happily, I don't have to think about this for a while because we've decided not to get officially married until well after the skids are past CS age. While theoretically BM can't use my income to request more CS, I don't want to give her a reason to test the theory in court.

I didn't read your post, just the title was enough.

Take it from someone who came into my marriage with my own home, with 50K equity and no debt except my student loans. 5 years later my H left me, and I have nothing of my own. Not even a credit card. I had total faith in his integrity. Now I have no nest egg and am re-entering single motherhood with three kids (one more than last time and 2 was hard enough.)

Do not combine. I absolutely hate to give up my total optimistic outlook I used to have...

But if your marriage would ever end, having separate accts will protect you and your future. I think now that going into a marriage without separate finances is the dumbest thing I ever did. I should have sold my house and stuck it in an acct as my retirement. If I had done that, I'd be walking back out with it right now.

Goodluck. Be smart.

Absolutely keep your money separate until he is done with his obligation to pay child support. The most important reason is the point you brought up - that your combined income will end up hurting you both in court if BM ever decides to push for more child support.

One suggestion that might be a compromise for you and BF is to have a certain amount of each pay check go into a joint account. Keep your account for your students loans and keep his account for CS. Then each of you could contribute EQUALLY to the joint account and use that money for purchases for your SHARED expenses. Then the minute child support ceases then you can have a joint account.

Hi there. I relate to this.

I am in a similar position.

We did combine our finances when we got married. We came into the relationship with very similar assets and income so it seemed fine.

He has 50/50 shared custody. BM doesn't work and has been trying to hurt us ever since we got married.

She left him for another man. I still don't understand the anger but anyway.....

She stopped working and so we have to pay her 1200 per month. Last month he forgot to pay. He is away at the moment and I got an angry phone call from tax dept saying they were going to access our account!!!!!

Excuse me? That's my account too! I don't want to be associated with that.

He won't get a review done because he is scared of her and she threatens to take the skids off him. She makes life hell if we dare question her.

Last year she wanted to go on an expensive overseas holiday for 3 months with skids. I mean who can afford that?

She just bought a brand new expensive car and lives in a very expensive house. She insists the skids attends the most expensive school in town and we have to pay half or go to court to get it changed. Her family is one of the richest families in our country.

Yet she has told tax dept she has no income so we pay the max CS.

I feel like he is only interested in looking after his past family - not this one. It is causing some serious resentment in me that I hate feeling.

Stick to your guns I say. The situation I am in is just horrible and I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through it.