Product of a One Night Stand, desperate for someone to relate
A year into dating my future husband, we were serious looking into getting married. But a phone call arrived and my FH was being told he needed to have a paternity test. Well to make a long story short, the child was his...a product of a one night stand. So here we are together, trying to support one another as our lives are turned upside down. I love him and told him that we should put off any engagement for a year. A year later, he decideds it is time to propose. Of course I said yes because I love him with every ounce of my heart.
He has taken on the role of being a father to this child and setting up child support on his own, taking her for weekends, trying to build a relationship with this 2 year old.
I am on the other hand having a really rough time getting accustomed to it. I feel as though I am expected to be comfortable with everything and "jump in" to the stepmom role with enthusiasm.
Fh and I live 4 hours apart right now due to job opportunities. I teach and he works for a major company. The opportunity was too good to give up, so he moved away while I stayed home to plan a wedding. Last weekend, he asked me to pick up his daughter from the BioMom and bring her with. We see each other twice a month at the most, so time is precious and limited.
I picked up the child and had a conversation with the mom, very nice and cordial, but i just felt annoyed by it the entire 4 hour ride. I spent the weekend with the FH and SD, but I just felt like I was playing a part or being fake about it. On sunday when i took her home, I met again to drop off the daughter and headed back to my own home. I just had a mental breakdown as I walked into the door. I felt like my entire life was changing to be something I didn't want.
I just need some help and support. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
Deep breaths. You are
Deep breaths. You are dealing with major changes in your life right now and it's normal to feel uncomfortable and anxious.
My experiences in life, be it a new job, transfer to new community, engaging in a relationship, there is a two year adjustment period where you slowly get used to your new environment.
You will become more comfortable around the little one the more time you spend with her.
Its never a bad idea to talk to a counsellor to help you work through this adjustment in your life.
I hope everything works out for you.
The one thing I have to say
The one thing I have to say that I am thankful for is the fact that there was no previous relationship betweeen the BioMom and my FH. So there isn't that competition to screw the other person into the ground. FH does hold a resesntment toward her for some reason or another. Maybe the fact that he wasnt there when his daughter was born or that one day out of no where "Surprise its a 6month old girl".
I have intereacted more with this woman then my FH has. I know more about her then he does. She is a nice person and she and I have no reason to not like one another or treat each other with respect, but in the long scheme of things...it's just weird. I fear what will happen whe we decided to have children of our own. Is there a priority that goes on between biological children and step children?
I don't have specific resentment toward his daughter or even towards the BioMom, but I think I just resent the "situation" we are in.
I am pursuing counselling, which actually begins tomorrow afternoon. Are there certain things I should address?
Sueu2 I can't tell you how
Sueu2 I can't tell you how very much your post has opened my eyes. I truly appreciate the suggested link and I will be looking into it today.
I feel deep down that we are capable of engaging in proactive interventions. Hopefully this will help us. Thank you
Same boat but different feelings
My situation is similar. Except my fiancé was away at Bootcamp and I received a message from a girl filling me in that her and my fiancé have a 6 month old son together. There's was a one night stand but he knew she was pregnant and begged her to have an abortion we believe she kept the baby for wrong reasons as she is not his type in any way with no respect for herself. She is a heroin addict. In and out of jail since 14. She's 30 now. She told him one way or another she would find him. She found me first and contacted me to inform me. Well at the time I was just so confused and doing the math if we were seeing each other or not which we weren't but still that was a lot to take in. Then while he was still gone I thought it would be best to go meet this baby with his mother without him home and that is one thing I will forever regret. My fiancé wanted nothing to do with the situation the girl did advice him that he didn't have to be apart and her and her family wanted this baby and she would let him be. She comes from a poor family and my fiancé's family has money. So we knew eventually she would be around. I never knew any of this though. He had so many opportunities to tell me and he said he didn't know how and at the time him being gone he wanted to do in person but he could have before he went away. Anyways. We eventually pushed this little boy onto my fiancé. He was so adamant he wanted nothing to do. Finally gave in. We became so close with this little boy from the age of 9 months until 13 months then a little after the little boys mother got in trouble again and was sent to a rehab where moms go and can take their kids. She took the baby away and we couldn't see him for 6 months. During that 6 months my fiancé and I conceived and were at our happiest. Well fast forward some and the little boy gets discharged from rehab. So he's back around and she expected us to pick up from where we left off at and everything had changed since then. Now we want nothing to do with this little boy. He's 3 and looks nothing like his father. DNA tests were done. Anyways. Fiancé's family is obsessed with him. They said they didn't have a baby at the time and jumped to the first baby that was brought around and that was their blood. I have 3 daughters from a previous relationship. My fiancé is amazing with them. He's been with my youngest since 13 months and she's 4 1/2 now. He's been such a huge father figure to her and steps up more than her bio dad. She calls him daddy vin vin. Sometimes I feel I am a terrible person or mother that I want nothing to do with this little boy. I have went out of my way to invite him over for Xmas morning and holidays because I know he won't get that on his moms side because her family is a different breed full of junkies. I just can't find within what to do. My fiancé wants nothing to do. He has PTSD from all of this. This all happened when he was under the influence and at a bad spot in his life with drugs and legal issues. He's clean and sober and living a positive happy healthy life with our girls. Him and I do have a 10 month old together. What do we do?! We feel his family puts Amelia our daughter last which hurts him so much because he has a relationship with me and such an inseparable bond with his daughter he's been with since the first pregnancy test and his family still chooses the Child he was a sperm donor for. Makes no sense to us. Please someone help me! :((((
Expectations
My daughter was pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful girl. As time went on, the child did not begin to speak and had temper tantrums all the time. It took several years for her to be diagnosed with speech aoraxia and begin therapy.
It was a period of depression, confusion and grief for my daughter as she tried to come to grips with it all. One thing that helped her was a story that someone with a disabled child told her. She said it's like going on a trip to France. You fantasize about it, imagine the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and all the sights. But when you get off the train, you're in Holland. Windmills, canals. Youre confused, disoriented, disappointed. The moral is that both are okay, it's just the change in expectations that throws you off.
You have a lot of change going on and you're starting counseling, that's good. I dont hear you complaining about the child's behavior and you have a positive impression of BM. It will take you time to change your expectations but it can be okay. Good luck.
PS: GD28 is married, lives and works in another city and never shuts up. Lol.