I thought I was safe, but FDH had a complete meltdown on the phone with me last night after he called to tell me how nice my daily email was.

Long story short, he used a breakup line on me. On the phone. I was completely thrown, but also proud of myself for -- once in my life -- keeping my mouth shut. I seriously stayed silent for a whole seven minutes after he delivered the line, which is a LONG time if you're on the phone with someone. And I think it was the right thing to do because in that timeframe, FDH had time to think about what he'd just said and ask himself if that's what he really wanted.

Meanwhile, I kept repeating in my head: Focus on what *I* want. Take care of what *I* want for *me*. If he wants to break up with me for his own sake, that's how it's going to be. But if he's breaking up with me for *my* sake, he's making a huge mistake and not factoring in what *I* want for *me*.

It was almost telepathy. He ran out of half-backpedaling statements and then very quietly asked what I wanted. I told him in no uncertain terms that I want to be with him. I am happy when I am with him, happy when I talk to him. It's irrational to walk away from something that makes me so happy. I told him understand that it's hard, that he's frustrated, that he's resentful about couples counseling because he thinks a "normal" couple shouldn't be in counseling (as if we were EVER normal to start with...). But in the end, I said, it's not for him to decide what's best for ME. That's MY job.

In a very quiet voice, he asked me to come over. I went. FSD3 was out cold by the time I arrived around 1am. It was a very emotional night, but I woke up next to him and sat and had coffee with him after he'd run FSD3 to daycare. Then, finally, it was like the sun came out from behind a cloud. He took my hand and asked me to come over tonight -- our regularly scheduled FSD3 night that he'd been cancelling for so long.

I know it's hard for him to be with me and FSD3 at the same time. Part of it's anxiety around how us girls get along. Part of it's my scrutiny of his parenting. Part of it is also that he still honestly believes that what's best for FSD3 is AUTOMATICALLY unfair to him and everyone else.

I really, really think that last point will be the thing that destroys us, if anything. But, it'll destroy more than just us -- it'll ruin FSD3, FDH, and anyone who wants to be close to either. THAT'S the real reason we're in couples counseling: To change that thinking RIGHT NOW before it gets out of control.