OT (kind of) marginalizing Dads.
My brother (30) just had his first child 17 days ago. His wife (I'm not a fan) is a "blogger" meaning she posts EVERYTHING on social media.
Their child is 17 days old and she shared this:
I think it’s time for us moms to make a pact.
We shouldn’t feel the need to apologize when we cancel plans on each other,
and we definitely should NEVER make each other feel guilty for it.
Because we all know what it’s like to make plans with the best of intentions. We fully believe we’ll be there, and at the time we make it, we want to be there. We really do!
But then the day happens:
The tantrums,
the "Mommy, come here please!" every time we sit down,
the whining and fighting,
the endless mess,
and nothing in the moment we’re supposed to leave the house feels right except for a return inside for a quiet night in pajamas with our friend, Netflix.
Because there are days, we’re so tired from showing up for everyone else that by the end of the day, we can’t show up for anyone, except for everyone else. Especially if we’re going to do it again in the morning, which we will.
So, we cancel plans.
Because we can't emotionally show up, so what's the point of physically being there?
And a lot of the time in motherhood, something DOES come up.
One of our children gets a virus,
the baby won’t go to sleep and needs us,
our partner’s stuck in bad traffic,
we’re helping with a school project due tomorrow,
or we have too much to catch up on around the house.
Because motherhood’s unpredictable, and our family comes first.
So, it’s okay to cancel on coffee dates with close friends,
playdates,
whatever we need.
Because being a mom is hard
and us moms should know and understand that better than anyone.
This is why PAS and the court system is still such a tragic situation for a lot of divorced families. She already pushed (IMO) my brother to the side as a dad by this post alone... 17 days in of being a parent. Society looks at this as truth. Mom will and always be the superior parent. We all know this couldn't be further then the truth in A LOT of cases.
The same message could be conveyed with the term "parent" instead of "mother." I think that's why this post alone triggered me. What about my SO? He was basically a single dad.. where are his fatherhood is hard posts?
Rant over.
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Comments
My brother
Had the same experience. Golden uterus syndrom is real. She called it "my baby". Wouldn't say ours. Eventually she left him because nothing he did was good enough for her child. He wasn't well off and had to struggle to make ends meet but LOVED that child. She now lives with her parents 6 hours away and he commutes to see his son only twice a month for 2 hous each. Ridiculous that she even had a child if she wanted to be a single mother, children want a father... he doesn't need to be perfect.
Our BM wanted to be a single
Our BM wanted to be a single mother from the start. She dated DH during her senior year of high school/freshman year of college. Got pregnant on purpose by tampering with the contraception and once she was pregnant, she dumped DH and blocked all contact. BM had SS and DH took her to court to fight for his rights. She played all the games and did everything she could to block access to SS, but made damn sure she got her hefty CS. DH had to drive 6 hours every other Sunday for 5 years to see SS because BM refused to do any transportation but also refused to give DH overnights. To this day, BM LOVES to use the "poor single mother" and "MOTY" card to get attention, but does absolutely nothing with SS10. She loves to brag about how academically and athletically gifted SS is.
To this day, she also loves to constantly mention how DH can't do anything right and how she doesn't trust him to care for SS properly. She doesnt trust him to get medical attention or to provide adequate daycare. DH is a great Dad - very attentive and supportive, pays his CS on time always, never missed a visit, etc, yet it is still never good enough. Now BM's GF is raising SS while BM is off building her career. GF does all school transportation, extracurriculars, making sure homework is done, taking SS to doctors, etc. BM is literally never with SS, but that doesn't matter as long as he isn't with DH. She holds DH to an impossible standard, yet falls short herself in every way. It's terrible.
Your BM is a whole other
Your BM is a whole other level of controlling. This post wasn't specifically about my brother's wife but just in general how society STILL doesn't give credit to men when it comes to raising kids. We all see this (here) with the different dynamics we have going and the endless battles with BMs, court, and just everyday life.
Stepdads seem to get more credit for "stepping up" then biodads in intact families and divorced ones.
Exactly, stepdads get all the
Exactly, stepdads get all the credit of stepping in for deadbeat Dads, but sometimes the Dads aren't actually deadbeats. Moms just block access to the kids, plays the poor single mother card, and have the new partners step in as Daddy. I wish the courts would intervene in these situations, but they don't. So these BMs get away with PAS.
But yes, Biodads don't get much credit either. People have asked me, totally shocked, if I let my DH "babysit" DD; no, DH is parenting DD, there is no babysitting. I don't know how we are going to move forward to change that.
They don't that's why the
They don't that's why the struggles divorced dads have is still such a major issue. In todays society that is such a weird concept to even ask now.. "is dad babysitting?"
This is annoying...
Because she literally has not even experienced this kind of stuff yet and has no idea if this is even the type of mom experience she will have.
My oldest was such an easy baby, toddler, child, teen. I experienced none of the above. My youngest...is 5 1/2. Thus far COMPLETLY different.
Could be she will have an "easy baby" too and not deal with any of this also.
This is nothing but a need to get "likes" and be showered with "you are so right!" comments. Gross.
Exactly and it's such an in
Exactly and it's such an in to the future post (because clearly none of that has happened YET) that makes it's sound like only "mom" does everything.
Hence "your partner is stuck in traffic" line.
I wonder where she copied
I wonder where she copied that from?
I can't imagine with a 17 day old baby you'd have the time nor the presence of mind to compose a text like that.
It was shared post. I copied
It was shared post. I copied and pasted it for here. She has a story 24/7! Also, my brother gets paternity leave so he is home for 4 weeks with her..
We barely have the time to shower eat
Or even drink a cup of coffee. If she had time to post that on social media, she wasn't that busy.
i was busy catching up on sleep and doing laundry from the poo explosions and vomiting with a newborn and 16 month old
You know about 5 yrs after the divorce, hubbys
Exwife took off with the sd's who were 7 & 17 and cut off all contact. Hubby had sole custody of ss who was 14 at the time.
my husband paid his cs on time for the daughters and raised their son alone.
exwife finds out that he's met me, a foreign caucasian woman who she told friends and my sil that i was some half naked whore (such a lie), then a few yrs later the daughters start asking mum questions because her lies about us didn't add up.
next thing she's a born again religious woman and calls my sil singing me praises for loving her son like my own. There was no thanks to my husband for raising and caring for their son for 10 yrs plus. Hubby brought that up with his sisters how much it pissed him off.
the post you raised that your brothers partner posted it comes across as attention seeking.
frankly any events she agreed to go to and can't attend, just an apology but its been a bad day with newborn not feeling well is good enough. Heck i've not attended an inlaws wedding reception because my daughter fell down the stairs the day before carrying all her dolls when hubby hadn't offered to help carry them whilst sitting on the couch and my daughter had a busted lip. I wasn't in the mood for my sil's asking me what happened
Self absorbed?
She sounds self-absorbed. Why the need to post her life for all to see and seek constant validation? I would stop giving her an audience and tune out. Social media addicts tend to be all about appearances, but are seldom leading perfect lives.
I agree with that. I know
I agree with that. I know someone who is ALWAYS posting on FB about her wonderful marriage, darling husband, how much in love they are etc...these posts appear several times a week.
My bet is that it's actually a different story in real life (ie not social media life).
Fathers Aren’t Second-Class Parents
I get so frustrated when I think about how my DH was screwed over with the parenting plan. BM is always the victim and loves being a single mother because it's another piece of victimhood she can claim. I know DH heart will always be a little broken only seeing the kids 1 day a week and every other weekend. WA is a mother state and unless she does something criminal, they'll never give him more time. She gets to milk it for the next 11 years while she lives off of his CS and state funds.