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SD being told she cant talk to me

mmm1's picture

Submitted by mmm1 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 10:25am

This is such a hard thing and rough as it is. But my step daughter was told last night she cant talk to me anymore. By BM. Then BM texts me and yells at me for asking through Yahoo IM how my SD is doing. I was talking with SD and all the sudden she said she couldnt talk to me and logged off. Then Bm texted me and yelled at me for talking to SD.
It is unreal the abuse and problems BM cause and it only hurts the children. Do they not see that

Comments

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 4:08pm

Funny how when the BM wants to call when skids are at Dad's that is perfectly okay with a lot of you but because a SM has a good relationship with her SD then ____ her - she needs to learn her place right BM's - as it has been said the BM did not care that she was on the computer just that she was talking to SM - then that is PAS'ing her against her SM - it really is too bad that these BM"s hate their exes more than they will ever love their children!!!

mom23ms's picture

Submitted by mom23ms on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 11:31am

That is not only outrageous but really sad what the BM did. I see nothing wrong with you asking SD how she is doing. C'mon what was the harm? It was a nice gesture. It's not like you are some random person that contacted or SD contacted on IM...You are her STEPMOTHER. This is what I hate about being a SM (soon to be in my case.) We are good enough to take care of the SKIDS but not alot to have any sort of communication with them when they are not at our house. You can care for them but only when it's convenient or when the BM or BF says so.

mom23ms's picture

Submitted by mom23ms on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 12:38pm

WOW you sound like a disgruntal BM....

In alot of cases CS could not be paid without the Step Parents financial contribution. So if I have to step up and financially support this kid, and the BM trusts me alone to be with her child, then I feel I am able to ask her how she is doing via IM. It is not like the original poster called her up and asked to speak to her.

And...if my ex ever was to remarry and his wife loved and took care of my kid, I would have NO PROBLEM her callimg my children or sending a IM just asking how they were doing. It shows love and compassion.

Now with that being said it is unclear if the SD was on the computer when she wasn't suppose to be and the BM caughter her and told her to log off. If that is the case, then absolutely that is the BMs right. If not, that is really sad and pathetic of her.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 1:37pm

That's just it-you dont have to step up and financially support the child-if you choose to that's your business. If the bm doesnt want her im'ing you, joebob down the street, or the mailman then that is up to her. Maybe she doesnt want to be reminded that there IS a stepmom while she is in her own home. Maybe she doesnt want to SEE your love and compassion toward your skid while she is her home. And again, I dont give a diddly about what my bm might like or want-but if something is going to create more drama for everyone involved including innocent children then I'm just gonna step back-it's just not worth it.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 4:14pm

I get your point hismineandours but then why does these same BM's think it is okay to call the skids when they are with us or call our DH's and wreck evenings by starting fights - it is the reality that there is a woman who when BM's children goes to their fathers that helps him parent and as much as everyone wants to put us in our place - we still become very big parts of these children's lives and deserve a little respect - so why does the SM always have to swallow the shit and rise above but the BM can't for once think about the child and if she wants to say a quick hi to her SM then freaking let her - very childish on the BM's part and really does put the child that is in the middle under a lot of stress!!

I will say for all the bull____ we have to put up with from our BM - she has never once told me that I can't call SS or write to him or skype him and I do this when hubby is not around - sometimes my DD wants to say hi to her brother and sometimes I just give him a call to see how he is doing and to inquire about school to let him know that I expect the best from him - and many times when I call I hear BM in the background and SS calls me Mom with his mom there and at least in this very small area she is a human being about it and not a _____!!

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:00pm

Should we ignore our stepkids then, when they call or initiate a conversation? How f'ing rude is that, especially when these are people that you have to have some kind of relationship with??
This line if thinking is mind boggling. Just to throw in there, MY SD sent me a friend request on FB. I did not accept, as I did not approve of her language or her antics on FB. What happened? her crazy ass mother got PISSED OFF that i wouldnt friend her kid. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

We are not talking about normal people here. We are talking about psycho BM's that would rather hurt their kid, stunt them emotionally, and ensure that any adult relationships they may have are tainted by this crap.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 1:37pm

That's just it-you dont have to step up and financially support the child-if you choose to that's your business. If the bm doesnt want her im'ing you, joebob down the street, or the mailman then that is up to her. Maybe she doesnt want to be reminded that there IS a stepmom while she is in her own home. Maybe she doesnt want to SEE your love and compassion toward your skid while she is her home. And again, I dont give a diddly about what my bm might like or want-but if something is going to create more drama for everyone involved including innocent children then I'm just gonna step back-it's just not worth it.

WickedStepMom18's picture

Submitted by WickedStepMom18 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 1:34pm

There are plenty of stepparents who chose to step up to the plate, emotionally and financially, because of loser BM's such as this one. Just because a SP has no legal right, does not mean it is OK for the BM to create this kind of unnecessary drama. It hurst no-one but the child.

This mother needs her head examined. How insecure is she? She should pick her battles and this shouldn't be one of them. She should be complaining to God why he only gave her half a brain. And a mediocre half, at that!

I am there 100% for my SS11. I am there when he's sick. I bring him to school every day. I drop him off at practice. Attend all his games. Clothe him, feed him. I am the one who makes sure all the snacks he likes are in the house. I am the one he calls at work to tell me how well he did in school. I am the one he talks to about the latest book he is reading. I am the one he can come to to talk about anything that is bothering him. And he does.

My advice to you - we also have to pick our battles. I try to remember, when dealing with the crazy BM, who's actions are hurting SS11? If my "request" puts him in emotional harm's way - then it's a battle I can lose. I told my SS11 that I miss him so much when he goes to his mother's. Granted - it's not often but when he leaves, I HATE it. So - he's made a point to call and talk to both of us when he's there. Chat with your SD and just let her know that you really want to talk to her but won't if it causes friction with her BM. Then your SD isn't forced into her BM's crazy tug-o-war! Hang in there, cookie.

mmm1's picture

Submitted by mmm1 on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:30pm

Thank you.. This was the best advice!. It has definatly been soo hard. And this is actually just really a small portion actually :(.
If you read my bio you can see the real story. I feel soo bad for the kids.
And it is important that the BM know yes she is hurting the kids, but she really sees her behavior as it is ok and we are the ones that are in the wrong.

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 2:00pm

Yup, they don't see it. It's sad.

The first time I spoke to SS on the phone during the week, to see how he was doing, ask about school etc. BM flipped a lid. And the kid was SCARED to talk to me again. BM never said anything to me but she said something to DH.

But, since the only phone to get them was BM's cell, I sucked it up and don't speak to them during the week at all, I save them that abuse. Now that they have email addresses which DH set up for them, I email them but not too often, and they end up checking those messages when they get here anyway. When they're older and more mature, perhaps we'll talk more, but for now, I'm happy to catch up on all the stories over the weekend.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 4:17pm

mmm1 - how sad that out of all the _____ up blended family situations that we read about on here - here you are getting along with your SD and of course BM needs to ____ on your parade - it truly is sad that these women can't move on and be happy that there is someone else out there who cares about their child and wants to see how they are doing - I would bet a lot of money that BM calls SD while she is with you and DH - just because so many of us on here can't stand our skids that does not mean that there are not a few that love their skids and miss them when they are with their mothers. Hope someday that she starts loving her daughter more than she hates her Ex!!!

mom23ms's picture

Submitted by mom23ms on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 5:54pm

Everyone can go back and forth about BM might not wanting the reminder that there is a SM involved or whatever. The point is that the BM and SM can have all the differences in the world, but it's crappy to involve a child in petty drama.

Nette5's picture

Submitted by Nette5 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 11:48pm

SMofknowitall you pissed me off. It IS possible to be a TRUE parent to any child and my SS has 4 of them. We ALL love him and how can it be bad to be LOVED by so many people?

That said, today my SS15 (lives with us FT) had a wrestling tournament and out of his 4 parents, the 2 that were there were his lowly STEP-parents. SS thrived on that!! Both his BP had to work and his SF drove 100 miles round trip to sit on a 2x10 board for about 4 hrs and watch him wrestle 3 times. My SS got to know today that BOTH his STEP-parents LOVE him!!! Not more than or better than his BPs, but ALSO!

My SS was almost PASed away from his BF and I. SS's BP can not talk to each other without a counselor there, and I am the one who speaks to BM so that there can be peace for SS. And now he lives with us and is growing into a well-rounded young man.

SS's SF has been in his life since he was about 3yrs old and I've been in his life since just after SS turned 4yrs. SS has looked me square in the face and said to me "you are not my stepmom, you are my mom" and I know it is because I love him and I show him that I do!! Today I heard SS calling his SF "dad & daddy" and I know it is because SS's SF has shown him love and SS returns our love to us because he KNOWS that he wouldn't be who HE is without us!