I have a motto... actually I have several, but ONE of them is... "never ask me a question you do not want to hear the answer too... because I will answer you". I use this reference because your letter may be seen as one of those such things. From your point of view, you see things much differently than BM and on a one sided view, however I can guarantee you that from BM's angle, she feels quite different, therefore that's why she says, does, behaves the way she may... she won't otherwise if she didn't believe it. After all, you have to remember that there IS a reason why the BM and BF are no longer together.

To me, this is like opening up a jar of worms. The cat and mouse game... or cat-on-cat game. You're calling her out whether you intend it or not, you're questioning her. I'm looking at this and putting myself in her position... if I received a letter that questioned my ability, my judgment from the next woman in my ex's life, personally, I won't answer her either. To be perfectly honest, I don't have to make my reasons for my actions known, it's not her business... so I'm just assuming that in this case, I won't be surprised if BM feels somewhat the same way.

I'm not being mean, but real. To me, even if BM is truthful to you, she may say somethings that you might get upset about and disagree without considering that what if she's right? Then, what if she exaggerates, and you do the opposite, believe her and than you got a whole whopping hornets nest open with your DH...

To me, it won't matter if you wrote the letter and asked the questions , because you can't control how she is going to behave, only she can. You can only focus on you and your family. What goes on in her head, is all in her head. We all have questions. We will ALWAYS ask the question 'WHY'? And we may never understand why or get all the answers, we just won't. It is simply what it is.

Personally, I wouldn't push the issue...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Hey Mocha, I see where you are coming from and it must have taken a lot of mustering to actually put pen to paper and send a letter. As you have, I spend many hours wondering why BM does what she does to DH but don't dare to write to her or speak with her, because I know it would simply frustrate me more.

My Dh spent almost every weekend and nights during the week with SS for 8 years after they separated, always paid his child support, went to all father things at school and spoke to SS almost everyday. Actually spent all his visitation with the child, doing child based activities and travelled near an hour each way to do all this 2-4 times a week, still she puts him down and berates him to SS and anyone who will listen. She tells everyone she has friends who are better fathers to SS than DH.

Then there is my BS14 who has a father who lives 20 mins from us, he rarely sees his son, calls him 4 times a year, on a good year and his wife preaches to me regularly, that I shouldn't think badly of him, he really is a good father?? Yes, he is a nice man and I get along well with the both of them, but a good father, no.

My point is that our points of view as a BM and an SM can be very different, as I am both I can say with certainty that this is so. I figure SS's mum has her reasons for thinking this of my DH and although she makes life hard and sometimes a misery to us, it only affects us if we let it. She will probably not respond and if she does it will be mostly things you disagree with or things that are untrue. I would ring her in a few weeks if you are adamant that you want to chase it up and just see what she says, other than that or if you disagree with her, I would agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Good Luck, I hope something I said helped.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

To answer your question, I think two weeks after probable or known receipt of any correpsondence is the soonest you should expect a response, if she intends to give you one. Thinking of it in business terms, most business correspondence assumes a response within 30 days or so. So I would think you could expect a response to a personal letter within 2-4 weeks and if you don't get one by 4 weeks, then you probably won't get one.

If you feel the need to follow up, I don't think I would do it with a phone call, because that does sort of put her on the spot and it's sometimes hard to know when is a "good" time to call to discuss something like this. If you have to follow up, maybe send her a short email that says you look forward to her comments and hope that her input will help you all to be able to work things out. If you don't hear from her after that, I think you almost have to let it go.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

NCP should have rights too! And unfortunatly for me it had catastrophic results. Rather than get a response,( from a very kind and concerned letter) My DH recieved a phone call from BM that said that He was to KEEP ME out of THEIR business and that if she recieved any more communications from me then she would go file harrassment charges agiants me. That was the end of me trying to make nice and help in making a workable relationship between the two of them for the children involved. Wait the 2 weeks and call if that is what you chose, but I agree, the response you are seeking may be one you really didnt expect or want. Good Luck.

2-4 weeks is plenty of time for her to respond to you, if she's going to. You may send her another letter/email asking if she received your previous letter and what she thought about it after 4 weeks is up. If she doesn't respond to that, I'd just assume that she's not going to.

She may not be responding in fear of the same things that the others on this page have already pointed out. Perhaps she's afraid that her answering your questions truthfully will only cause more problems. If you've had productive conversations in the past, I'm inclined to believe that she's not going to go out of her way to be nasty or hateful in her response. You two have very different outlooks on things just based on your relative positions in your DH's and SK's lives, and she may be trying to avoid whatever fallout or negativity may come if things that you or she say as a result of these letters are misconstrued.

Good luck. Whether or not she responds, I hope you gain the insight you're looking for.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I wouldn't call. Obviously, she knows that you are waiting to talk and she has made the choice not to continue the dialogue that you have started for whatever reason. It may be that she is busy, but honestly, it's probably more that she doesn't want to deal with this right now. I'd be willing to bet that she hasn't forgotten, so at this point another call is maybe bordering on going overboard. If you are really that gung-ho on contacting her again, maybe an email at some point next week would be the best way to go? I agree that the phone call might put her on the spot and you want her to be available and prepared if and when you DO speak.

Good luck!

In dealing with a BM - my fiance insisted on getting everything in writing via email - including changes to schedules, etc. The BM responded via email in ugly tones and was not nice. When fiance started cc'ing me on schedule changes and other issues, BM refused to respond to email and started back again with phone calls to his work and cell.
I personally like emails - they are a source of documentation - indicates whether parties are agreeable to certain things and can be used as evidence in custody mediation.

But - if they are accusatory like the one you mentioned to BM - meaning accusing her of stating the DH was a terrible father and then folliwng with examples - it is your attempt to understand her. Providing examples of statements BM has made - if you know he is a good father - then why do you feel you have to defend him? His actions speak louder than words when it comes to the child and all he can do is be consistent and the child will either see that or not. Unfortunately the BM will keep trying to confuse the child with her anger and bitterness - which you cannt control and she doesnt seem to care otherwise she wouldnt do it.

The only person his parenting skills matter to are the child. The BM is always going to have her opinion and she will always say negative things to justify her pain. And the BM will always put the child in the middle....

Considering your standpoint - that you are trying to help and get them to co-parent together and help her realize the "error" of her ways - if she is already bitter - it just continues to upset her all that much more.

Not sure how to help - but I would be surprised if you got a response. Having 2 BD of my own - I dont think I would respond to that letter via email. It may cause a bunch of going back and forth and ongoing negativity.