I'm not sure how many of you have read this book. I just started, but in the first chapter there were several paragraphs I want to share with you guys. They were pretty enlightening. I've really been praying a lot for a way to help ME deal with Andrea's bull shit games, and (I believe) the answer was given to me in this book, together with me starting to run again (this has always been my stress outlet).

These paragraphs can be found on pages 4-5:

It's pretty easy to figure out when BM is initiating a messy and unnecessary emotional war. Sadly, the children involved are exposed to her rage and are forced to take on the anger of an irrational adult. This will hurt your husband, and it will boggle your mind ...

Don't waste your time overanalyzing BM. Don't wish upon a star to miraculously change someone whom you probably don't even know that well. In all fairness, the BM in your life has her own story to tell. She may be clinically depressed, but unaware of her illness. She may have a problem managing her anger or perhaps she grew up in an abusive home. Maybe her self-esteem is low. She could be jealous or believe that your husband should have married her instead.

Understand that your kindness, politeness, or even passivity can't change the past or the culture that has shaped BM into the person she is today. I don't think you have time to remold the personality of another grown woman, do you? That's what mosques, churches, and mental health counselors are for. Your only job is to enjoy your life, and that means extracting BM's drama.
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It was that last sentence that really hit home for me. Think about it ... most of us fight with our DH's over the situations with BB. They don't want our relationships to be successful. They want our DH's to be as miserable as they are. So, why should we give them the satisfaction? I don't know about you all, but I'm a very competative person ... I want to win at all costs. With BB I used to think that meant winning at everything that has to do with SS. But it doesn't! What it means is winning by being happy with my life, my husband, and my step-son. Winning means not letting her intrude into my life, or as little as necessary.

I recently asked my mom ... how can two parents parent a child when they don't communicate? She didn't have an answer. We've just decided NOT to communicate with BB unless it is absolutely necessary. No sharing, no bitching, no quesitons, no concerns, unless absolutely necessary. Of course we are still documenting our concerns, but every attempt at communication with her has failed. Weather it's being nice, rude, threatening to go to court, even ignoring her ... nothing works. If it's Andrea's problem, or Ian's problem, we don't know, but somewhere (in that household) there is a problem.

Recently Erik and Andrea (for about 3 days) were communicating just fine. Then all of a sudden she turned into super bitch again. We think it's because Ian realized Andrea and Erik were communicating effectively and he got nervous, jealous, or whatever. And he fueled her fire with something! She regularly confuses finances and Jacob. Nothing we can do to change her mind set so why bother. We are just going to ignor her.

Part of our recent problems had to do with money and part soccer. She felt we obligated HER time to take Jacob to soccer games on her weekend. Reality is we never expected her to participate, but we wanted her to have every opportunity. So, we sent her the information, which in turn made her feel obligated. So, she screwed herself by making an issue out of it. We will continue to enroll Jacob in sports, and things, so long as we can find activities on weekends, and the coach or program is okay with Jacob only participating every-other weekend. We will NOT be sending her any information, or even advising her of what we have done. She will miss out, because of her ingrateful actions. She doesn't thinks he needs to share, neither do we.

We have just realized there is no point in trying, and trying, and trying, until SHE is ready. When she is ready we will know. Erik sent an email (because we got yet another nasty email from Ian, even after we hadn't talked to them for 3 days) asking that they not communicate with us unless it is absolutely necessary. At the end Erik said, "when you are ready for co-parenting counseling let me know. Obviously you feel we don't "get it" and we feel you don't "get it", so maybe the only person who can help us all "get it" is someone outside the situation. I'm sure you aren't ready now, but when you are just let me know."

So, we left the ball in her park, for her to figure herself out, and then we aren't saying - we never want to talk to you again. We just said "when you are ready ...".

I was looking ahead to Thanksgiving, and realized we have Jaocb the weekend before Thanksgiving (dropping him off at school on Monday) and then we have him on Tuesday throught he Friday following Thanksgiving. Well, normally in this situation we'd offer to bring Jacob home on Sunday so she'd have a little more time with him, but she's screwed herself now. We aren't going to offer. Come Christmas we have Jacob for his birthday weekend (December 14th). We were going to invite them to his birthday party, but not now. We have him for 10 days following Christmas and we were going to offer to bring him home a day early so she could have some additional time, but NOT NOW. She just screwed herself and doesn't even know it.

What is infuriating though ... is that Wednesday Erik talked to Jacob. Jacob wanted to continue talking to Erik, but he was kind of distracted. So, Erik asked if Jacob wanted him to call tomorrow (Thursday), and Jacob said yes. So Erik called last night - same time as always - and Andrea didn't answer. He left a message that "Jacob had asked me to call tonight, so I'm calling. Please have him call me back." He called 5 minutes later and she sent it to voice mail. Jacob never called back. We have prearranged two phone calls on Saturday because we will be out of town and Jacob has a soccer game. We asked her to make Jacob available before the game and after the game so Erik could call. She responded and said "ok" (this was before we decided not to speak to her). If she doesn't make Jacob available, since she already agreed, I will be in her face like a fly on shit ... I told Erik when we come home from Wenatchee we will go straight to her house ... she agreed, and by her not allowing Jacob to talk to Erik she is only hurting him.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my insight with you all. Maybe it will help someone, maybe not. I'm hoping it works for us. We have stuck to our guns so far, and will continue to do so. We haven't really even talked about her at home either.

~ Katrina