Bait and switch
I've been reading here for months but just now need to vent.
I've been married for 5 months, my first at 46. My husband's 2nd,,,he has two sons, 15 and 16. He tries to communicate with x but she will only text when it suits her.
I feel like there has been a bait and switch. Before we married boys were here 2 days during the week and every other weekend. They have been ok with with me, only rude once in a while. Dad calls them every night to touch base. Nice right.....two weeks after returning from the honeymoon the 16yo has a fight with his mom and threatens to shoot himself or others with one of the many hunting rifles he has. YIKES.. No one thought he meant it, he was upset but again you never know and this was a warning that had to be dealt with. My hus wanted to get him to see someone right away...x would not get back to him, guns are at her house. My hus did some calling and found that a counselor on school site should be notified. He notified them and then son would not talk to my hus for weeks. He started seeing a counselor and now things have calmed down. Though idiot x still keeps guns and amo at house. Now the 15yo who was always close to his Mom won't leave Dad alone. He doesn't like Mom anymore and wants to be here all the time. When he isn't here he texts and badgers his Dad. I get a long with him fine, I actually enjoy him but we I want some alone time with my husband. My hus is so afraid of the boys not liking him he hates to say no. Two weeks ago he told 15 that it was our weekend. He kept textingFriday night. Sat am he called and asked if he could come stay. My husband was in tears telling him no. Now I'm the bad guy. Son called back and apologized - too late for me -my weekend has been ruined. Then he calls and asks "can I AT LEAST come tonight?" I still say no. Husband agrees but then is a sad puppy.
Now the two days a week is 3 because he works out with us on Tues and ends up staying the night. Basically he stays any night his bm will allow, and if we say no he turns it into "why don't you want me" or love me ...etc.
He was told on Weds that he could not come here on Sat. So somehow he turned that in to , since I can't come Sat I'll come Thurs and Fri, and leave during the day on Sat. Now it is Sun and guess who is coming over. He tells his dad he will not be in the way, he will stay in his room. I feel sick. On the one hand I feel for the kid. He can't stand the mom and older brother and here he has video games, netflix etc. but I don't think we doing him any good by constantly giving in. I don't know what I got myself in to. I never thought the bm would allow him to be here so often but she has been dating and has loosened the grip. My hus is worried the 15 yo will end up running away if he doesn't come here and in reading his texts I can see that being a real fear but he is just so good at manipulating.
If any of this had been going on last summer, I don't think I would have married. Now I'm just sad and sick.
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Comments
Maybe I am missing something
Maybe I am missing something here, but, is the 15 yo afraid of his brother/mother or mom's BF?
Or alternately, is there a reason for him to be afraid, given what his brother has already done.
I feel really bad for you,
I feel really bad for you, you had these ideas of what would be expected of you and then the rug was pulled out from under you. I'm sorry. I also feel bad for the kid. He is obviously having a really tough time and needs someone. Needs his dad. Needs someone to be stronger for him than his mom is. It sounds like he needs a safe space. Is there any way you can make room for his dad to be his safe space? 15 years old is still pretty young. He needs someone he can count on. I know it is a burden on you and one you hadn't planned on, I totally get that. I think that's what happens in a marriage. Partners get sick or injured. Parents get sick or injured or old. And sometimes circumstances change for the kids too. It's not fun and I think you have every right to feel unhappy about it, esp. so soon into a new marriage. Best wishes.
Kind of afraid of the older
Kind of afraid of the older brother but he doesn't know about the gun threat of last fall. The brothers are very different and do not like each other but mostly he isn't getting along with mom. she has taken all of his electronic toys and basically he can't say boo without it escalating. He is not 100% innocent but she is a control freak and she has it in her mind that he needs to be fixed. he just does not have the skills to know what to do when things get tense..he wants to run. Last week when Mom would not let him come here he was ready to just walk out the door. his dad was able to calm him down and explained that things would be much worse if he did something like that. My husband called the x to try and find out what was going on, why the 15 yo was having such a hard time and she hung up on him. I'm not dealing with the drama well. I've gained weight, can't concentrate at work - basically depressed. I don't doubt the kid is upset but I also don't doubt he just wants to be over here and will do what ever he can think of to get his way - which includes making things worse over there.
Ug, why can't she just fix her mess so everyone can get on with their lives. My husband fought so hard in the divorce to get even shared custody that he still feels in fight mode 2 yrs later. sickens me
@Gwen....thank you. Somedays
@Gwen....thank you. Somedays I see it exactly that way, that he needs a safe place..then I see him in manipulation mode and my guard goes up. Last week I was ready to go break him out of that place. But I can see his moms struggle too. She can't get her son to listen and now all of sudden he wants to be with his dad, I'm sure it is hard for her as well.
For the past two months it seems our lives are revolving around this kid. He comes here and plays on xbox...dad and I are watching a movie on netflix and apparently it was slowing down his game. His dad was going to STOP for him. I was stunned.
So part of me can see his angst and issues and the need for a safe place to chill....but I need that too. 15 is a hard age but you get thru it and then you get to have a home and life but then wait you don't . Ok now I'm getting sarcastic and that won't help.
Thank you for the words, that does help.
It sounds really difficult to
It sounds really difficult to determine what is going on here. Is bm a bad mom? Is he in danger? Or is he just not wanting to listen to her so she has taken away all his fun toys? If is the latter-then your dh is not helping matters by allowing him to come to your house and then play with all the fun toys. He will have no desire to work on things at bm's and will just see it all as her fault because dear old dad would never take away his toys so bm must just be wicked.
If he is just not being compliant with mom's rules-then your dh needs to not make this harder for her by providing ss with everything he is grounded from at her house. He needs to support her rules (as long as they are fairly reasonable)and he needs to tell his son to have more respect. He needs to ground him from the same things at his house. Then maybe he wont be wanting ot come over so much.
If this is not what is going on-if bm is abusive somehow or there is some sort of danger here then I dont see how you can get around letting him come over.
SS is not in danger. BM is
SS is not in danger. BM is not physically abusive but loves to play mind games and has started to pit boys against each other. I am having a hard time (and so is dh) determining what exactly is the real issue over there. I agree he is not making it any easier by making this house a playground.