New Step Daughter in Law
A quick background narrative. We married after being divorced for many years from previous spouses. He single for 20 years me for 14 years. Neither of us had anything to do with the others breakups. We have an amazing loving relationship. We made an agreement when we got married all kids (3) would be "our" kids not his not mine but ours. We treat them all equally. They all get along and like one another. Fast forward 20 years. BS is 39, BD is 38 and SS is 35. SS just got married. Daughter in law loves SSD me not so much. During the planning stage of the wedding they indicated they wanted to save money and yet have a large wedding. 150+ Her first his second. Both are well educated with master degree and have very good jobs. I volunteered to host bridal shower, do all flowers for wedding. They agreed and then we were asked if that included the favors, rehearsal dinner. Later the cake, programs and other items were added to our list of things to do. We accepted to do these things willingly and graciously. Personally I was very happy to do these things and love the creative aspects of all the items that I was asked to participate in. The only outside vendor was the cake. Bride gave me her likes and the cake was done to her specs. The shower for 35 was perfect only one problem.....No thank you until husband had to mention to his son then a wild flurry of a gift and card 2 months after the fact. I am so uncomfortable with that type of thank you. Not from the heart but a I had to do it. Wedding was 2 weeks ago. Husband received a call the following Monday from BS and new daughter in law thanking him for everything. Again no personal thank you to me. Two days after the wedding we had breakfast with the newlyweds and I HAD TO ASK how she liked her bouquet. "it was nice thank you". Everything that was done was drop dead gorgeous. I am not a professional designer just someone that has the eye and resources to find beautiful ways of putting things together. Total of expenses came to just under 10K, Now here is my question is it too much to ask that I the SM receive a personal THANK YOU from SS and his new wife? Last evening I said to husband, we didn't give the kids a wedding present. He said BS mentioned they didn't have enough money for honeymoon at the end of this month. "I will send them a check for honeymoon later this month". My opinion is that we will be rewarding bad behavior if we give them more. To me this is not a money issue but a lack of respect issue. Husband knows I am hurt and disappointed with SS and wife's behavior. He goes along to get along. Doesn't want to rock the boat alienate his son. Also BD and BSW both gave lovely gifts to SDinLaw for shower. To date no thank you to them. AND never a personal thank you from SS or new wife for Christmas, birthdays etc. AND the last insult the save the date card was addressed to DAD and my first and last name. None of this has ever gone on until this gal has come into our lives. Am I overreacting? I have never done anything to this girl other than be caring and giving. A side note SSM said to me "thank you for being so good to my boy I should have told you that a long time ago".
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Ohhhhh.... I have to admit. I
Ohhhhh.... I have to admit. I am TERRIBLE with thank you cards and thank you gifts. Just terrible. I know, it is horrible to have to admit, but I just am. Especially with family. I understand getting busy and assuming that family understands how much we appreciate them and love them. That is clearly NO EXCUSE for being underappreciative of all of the hard work and money put in by you and your DH. I just have done it so many times to my family, and would caution on the side of "maybe she wasn't raised that way"... with the etiquette to go out of her way to thank the people that sacrafice the most, and not assume that they know how much you love and appreciate them. I am guilty of that 100x's over.
Can I ask... how would you have liked the save the date to have been addressed? Does SS call you mom? I would say that in proper etiquette it should have been Mr and Mrs Husbands name and your last name. BUT... again, maybe she just didn't know any better, and wanted her soon to be father in law to be addressed as "dad"... but if he calls you "mom" then that is how it should have been addressed to you as well.
Joining families is hard to do from any angle. Even when it is just a "nuclear" family having a kid that is getting married. Both families (even the parents of the bride and groom) now have to adjust to new personalities, new ways of living... and have a little understanding that not everyone raised their kids to be etiquettely correct...
Or hell... maybe this girl is just rude as all get out, I don't know. Just trying to put it in a different perspective for you.
Initially I thought she just
Initially I thought she just wasn't raised to be appreciative and verbally say what she thinks. But really a gal that gets through a masters program at an Ivy league school knows how to do things correctly. They are 35 not 20. In my opinion the Save the Date card should have been addressed to Mr. and Mrs. then inside the card it could have a hand written that said dad and my first name. Under certain circumstances SS calls me mom when all the kids are together. He doesn't say to me "mom please pass the chicken" he simply calls me by my first name. He is a great guy and we get along very well.
She knows how to call BSD and thank him. personally I thought they could have waited until evening to call when both of us were home to receive the "thank you" call. Then it would be to both of us and not call BSD at work early in the AM.....It would have been so meaningful to receive that personal call from her or them as a couple.
I understand the difficulty of joining a family and the different dynamics, PH (perfect husband) and I hosted and paid for both BS and BD weddings. AND they couldn't say enough thank you's to PH and myself. They wrote cards etc and each gave us a beautiful gift to keep as a keepsake. In this day of texting and email if one is uncomfortable then all they have to do is quickly text.
I am in agreeance with you
I am in agreeance with you that they are out of line. I just know that I am guilty of this in the past and am trying to raise my kids a bit different. I may not have graduated from an Ivy League school, but I do have common sense and it does tell me that a personal touch is necessary in certain times. And even then, sometimes, I don't do it. I just don't think you can change people like that. My EXstepmom tried changing us (my sisters and I) when she was with my dad (for 18 years) and it never worked. She could never make us be the picture of perfection that she expected us to be because that is how she was raised. It caused many many fights. Mostly in my adult years. And that is when you shouldn't be arguing with your husband about their kids, when they are grown and gone.
All you can do is know now, that is how she is. Tuck it away and know that if you do nice things for them in the future, they likely won't show their appreciation the way you want them to. At that point it will be up to you, and your husband (who sounds great BTW) if you will continue to bless them the way that you have in the past. I don't think a thank you is worth a family argument (not that you would start one), I think it is just people revealing themselves as their true selves, and now you know that about your new daughter in law. "Thank you's" aren't her strong point. Could be worse I think... it's up to you what to do with the information now.
WOW you couldn't have said it
WOW you couldn't have said it better. After PH reminding SS about a thank you for the shower I am sure she was resentful and you are correct it is meaningless. That is exactly how I felt. Funny you mention the baby shower. I will not volunteer for that even though it is against my nature to be that way. I would love nothing more than to be a part of that.
So on the save the date cards I am sure she did address them, she doesn't call PFIL DAD either just simply his first name.
SDIL's father passed away 6
SDIL's father passed away 6 years ago. Mom remarried 3 years ago (a very nice man) that is SDIL's age. You could have a point. While doing the place cards I had the pleasure of looking at one of SDIL's spread sheets and it listed all the steps as non-participants in the wedding. They included myself, SSMH, SDIL's SF, I see where your going....
I completely understand your victim quote. I did tell PH that I will no longer try to win this gals approval. She will need to elevate herself to be accepting of me and my PH's generosity I will no longer lower myself to her level and try to win her over.
Have fun helping with the
Have fun helping with the planning of your SS's wedding. If I hadn't been on the inside trac of all this I would not have known how some brides look at the steps. WOW Who Knew......I simply thought that most relationships that are difficult are between ex-spouses I didn't have a clue it would come from a DIL....PH and I had a blast with BD and BS weddings. BSW'sM didn't want anything to do with the wedding didn't even want to help her daughter pick out her gown. SICK in my opinion. I felt honored to step in and help give them the wedding of their dreams. And BD had both her dads walk her down the aisle BD and SD....and BTW only BD's SM had a problem with that. Everyone else thought it was so grownup.
It is my feeling that if
It is my feeling that if someone does not appreciate a gift enough to give a "thank you"...be it in writing or verbal, they will not appreciate a gift in the future. Be it birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Mother's/Father's Day, Easter, or anything else.
If someone is gracious they will express appreciation. If they are not, don't waste your money, your effort, or your time on future gifts.
I will admit I am terrible about taking the time to write a thank you card. However, if someone goes out of their way or expense to get me a gift, I will suck it up & show them my appreciation, either by phone or by mail. If I can't take the time to do that, I will completely understand why I don't receive anything from them again.