Give her a ring and loose me!
Hi All,
I am new here and have found quite a few interesting blogs so far. I am in need of some advice as I feel my only other option will be to leave this relationship and move on.
Quick background - I am a widow and the SO is divorced. I have two children ages 21 and 8 and he has two ages 17 and 11. We have been together for five years. Initially started as a 3-year long-distance relationship and then moved in together two years ago. All was fairly good, besides the daughters have been exceptionally jealous of me and has caused many unpleasant arguments in the last few years, until his 17-year-old daughter did not approve of the mother's new relationship and long story short and many arguments with her mom later I suggest she moves in with us to complete her last two years of schooling. All was ok for 6 weeks and then things blew up. My SO and I got into a heated argument as I did not know how to handle her and asked for his advice. She spied on us and blew up swearing, insulting, and disrespecting me and dad took her side. It was decided that it was better I move back to my home town and start my life affresh.
It did not take long for SO to realize the mistake and came to whoo me back. Initially, I was very against this but after many calls, video chats, and some flights over decided to give it a go as we do love each other more than words. It has been like a fairy tale in a sense but the daughter is livid and treats dad badly as a result. He decided to buy an engagement ring and was planning to propose as he said he could not lose us (me and two kids).
Long story short he has been sitting on this ring for 3 months and when he informed her about his plans, she blackmailed him saying if he proposes she will take on her mother's surname and move back home.
I feel like this has been a rollercoaster ride not knowing what is coming next. These children hate me no matter how nice I am, how much I do for them or spoils i buy for them. I don't argue, tell them what to do, and try and give them the space they need (although they say I take them away from their dad). I am the one who will tell him to take them out and spend time with them alone yet I am being blamed to be selfish and jealous of them.
Their dad's previous relationship was ruined in the same way and one of the mother's relationships too, this new relationship the mother is in feels as if the daughter was shipped off so she could have the relationship she is wanting. But now this is happening to us.
My SO is torn between the middle and he asked me to wait for two years till she leaves to study further. He has sent her to therapy but she has stopped and said she doesn't like it. She has tried to take her life when she does not get her way so he is scared to confront her. He wants to be with me but he cannot because of this.
How does one deal with this? I feel I need to leave this relationship completely to keep her life safe so she will not do something silly and also so my SO will live a better life yet I feel we teaching her she can do anything and have her way. We both so sad and hurting and don't know how to fix this.
Any advice will be highly appreciated xxx
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Comments
It sounds like you only have
It sounds like you only have two options. Maintain a long distance relationship or move on. It doesn't seem like living together is an option with SD17;as the cycle will repeat itself.
thank you, I was thinking the
thank you, I was thinking the exact same thing but the long distance is also a problem now as she gives cold shoulders and threatening to take her life.......... long road I am affraid
She is bullying her father
She isn't going to geniunely commit suicide. She is using this a tactic to control her father. He needs to get her into whatever mental health facility is available next time she threatens to hurt herself. If she is really suicidal she needs help, if she isn't sucidal she needs to learn that being hospitalised isn't fun.
Unless he learns to manage
Unless he learns to manage her better and stop being manipulated by her threats, this will never get better. Even when she leaves home, and becomes an adult, she will manipulate him in the same manner, withholding grandchildren, threatening suicide, etc. He should have told her to go right ahead when she threatened to change her name and move back with her mother, instead he gave her the clear message that she is in charge.
Couples' counseling might help for him to get someone else's view on how to manage her. Don't reunite unless he shows he's ready to stop letting her bully him.
The goal is to be happy
This situation is what it is. Your SO cannot control his DD. Move on and live your life - don’t wait for this to get better because it won’t. More importantly, why put your kids through this mess. He is too weak to even give you a ring - that’s pretty pathetic.
think forward
what she does at 17 she will do at 21, 25, 30 and on. And once she adds grandchildren to the mox, they will become her weapon. Can you handle a relationship set to a third parties whims and threats?
thank you
Thank you all, your messages are very insightful and I am really blessed to have many opinions but more so, me realizing that I actually need to hear this from others as this is what my head has been telling me for so long......
momfromsouthafrica
Hun my story may be a little different but it has the same theme. My EX DH literally had to choose ,and not at my ultimatum. EX SD and BM made it incredibly hard for him to move on. The day AFTER we got married SD had said "you chose her, it is not gonna be good for you" she was right, because my ex DH was a coward. AND he was obsessed with ex SD. He is back with BM, well more like back under SD's control. BM is the side prop like I was.
You will never have peace. Guess what after the sadness of me kicking him out, and the support from the great ladies and gents on here, I am finally at PEACE. No more inner turmoil waiting for the next manipulative move from my SD and the bonehead moves from ex DH.
Find someone who doesnt have a toxic family. Enjoy your life.
I would not have much respect
I would not have much respect for your SO. He ended the relationship to cater to a child who he continues to be manipulated by & now he asked you to put your life on hold for 2 years - how selfish. What will possibly be different in two years anyway - Will he throw her out on the street like he did you?
It sounds like you have put a
It sounds like you have put a lot of time and effort into this.. having your kids relocate.. and back etc..
Unfortunately, his daughter seems bound and determined to torpedo any relationship her parents have. I guess the first few years when it was LD he was able to hide the seriousness of it from her.. but when faced with you in person... she couldn't accept it.
Clearly the girl needs therapy. it's quite likely that her father needs to be involved in that therapy along with her mother.. sort of a Quasi "family therapy" situation.. she has done this to both parents.. they have allowed it.. but in some ways her tactics have made stakes pretty high for them. Ultimately they are going to have a strong desire to keep their child safe... and like most parents.. they are fairly willing to put their child's wellbeing before their own happiness.
Does this mean there is no future for you? perhaps. I think that they have a lot to deal with right now.. and in the end, the well of your relationshp may have been too poisoned at this point.
What shouldn't be happening is that now that you have been pushed out.. things go back to normal and because she isn't currently acting out.. that she gets to avoid therapy etc.. maybe it is even worth it to maintain things LD for a bit longer to see how things progress.. give you a chance to join the therapy as well.. so issues there can also be worked out.
But, if that is too long.. with odds that aren't guaranteed and you don't want to go through all of that? I don't think anyone would tell you that cutting him loose is the wrong decision.
"Well, SO, it sounds like
"Well, SO, it sounds like your life is not in a place where you can have an adult relationship, best of luck to you."
You break up and you move on.
Here's the thing: even if you wait two years, what happens when she's 19 and tries to kill herself again? Or threatens to change her name? Or makes bad decisions so she'll end up homeless?
Your SO has made it clear that his daughter takes priority. The daughter has made it clear to BOTH parents that she'll do any and every thing to ruin their relationships. Why? Who knows. SD has to figure that out.
But your SO hasn't taken any steps to actually put you first. SD threatens suicide? Sounds like SO needs to have her put in a 72-hour hold and call BM to come help. Since she is a minor, he has more authority to make her go into therapy whether she wants to or not. Her threats have to stop working in order for her to change her tactics.
But, your SO is always going to let her dictate his life. He let her do it before and it ruined a relationship. He already ended it once with you. He's already postponing proposing to you because of her. What makes you think he'll actually propose in the future? And that you'll actually get married? And actually get to live together? Will he ask you to move out again when she can't live on her own and he "has to take her in because she's his daughter"?
Love is not enough. If love were enough, divorce rates would plummet. It's not a lack of love that ruins relationships; it's all the other pieces of a relationship. Love is a tiny component overall.
I agree with lieutenant_dad.
I agree with lieutenant_dad. You should move on. Your SO isn't ready for an adult relationship and likely never will be. If his DD ruined a previous relationship, what made you think your relationship with him would be any different? He is obviously unwilling to do the hard work, otherwise he would have done it after she ruined his other relationship.
Your SD sounds miserable. Misery loves company. She may even be mentally ill. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't allow her to become my problem. I wouldn't tolerate her bs at all. Your SO is weak and cowardly. What's attractive about that? Better yet, why would you allow him to waste years of your life?
He isn't torn. You aren't his priority, she is. Why does he date or enter relationships if he knows he isn't ready for an adult relationship? He doesn't want to marry you. He is just using that to string you along as long as possible.
You two have been together 5 years and this bs is still going on? He actually wants you to wait 2 more years before proposing? I wouldn't have phrased things as nicely as lieutenant_dad. I would have said something along the lines of "We have been together for 5 years and you are seriously asking me to wait another 2 years for you to propose because of your daughter? It doesn't take 7 years to straighten a situation like this out but obviously you have been dragging your feet. So no I am not waiting another 2 years to fix this situation. You have 3 months to straighten this bs out, or you can go to hell...oh and by the way you can take your hell raising daughter with you." Smh.
These comments are priceless.
These comments are priceless. For this first time, I feel like I am not the crazy one and there are people who have either been there or see the "real" issue. Many of the things said I can see now that were fogged up prior to me writing this blog. I do however wish love (or my perceived love) was not in the way of what seems an easy decision.
So in my now, I am thinking to have this hard discussion - give it three months - and then move on. The ball ultimately is not in my court to fix this but to give it time to do something and if not give myself and my children the life we deserve.
I am forever grateful to my newfound friends for your advice, hard truths, and for telling it like it is. Sometimes this is what is needed
Love is the last flame to die
Love is the last flame to die, and it hurts the most.
I loved my XH for months after we separated. I cried when the divorce was finally approved. I cried at what would have been our next anniversary. I still had love for my XH even though I'd left him because the light that came from that flickering candle did not keep away the creeping darkness that was all the other bad stuff in our relationship. It gave me hope - for probably too long - that we could light a bonfire and burn away all the bad.
You can still love someone and know that it's not enough to keep the flame burning enough. Without fuel to a fire, a fire eventually burns out. He's not adding logs to the fire. What's left is a flicker, and people can't survive without warmth.
the last flame
my word lieutenant_dad ....... words were so truly spoken. It is so scary to hear this but there are no logs added to the fire and that is the truth. Sad in so many ways. Strange how one thinks love can overcome it all.