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Feeling disrepected

mommasue58's picture

Submitted by mommasue58 on Mon, 12/25/2023 - 4:13pm

First, I would like to Thank everyone for allowing me to be part of this wonderful group. I look forward to tapping into all the vast knowledge and experiences that are available and learning from each and everone of them.

In 1988, I married my second husband. I had a 10 year old from my previous marriage that lived with us and my husband had 4 children, ages 8,6,5,3 with the 3 youngest living with us. His 3 children and my son were all encouraged to try to be one big happy family, or as I like to say, The Brady Bunch Theory. All in all, they all did well and only had minimal problems that all siblings would have. Once my son reached 19, he moved out and on his own. Once my husbands 3 children that lived with us respectively reached 18, they all moved out on their own. At that point there started to be some distance in the relationship with my husband and his children. My son still maintained a healthy relationship with his step siblings and my husband(that he felt was his father).

Over the years, the relationship that my husband had with his 4 children dwindled to barely anything. They all had very little contact with each other and absolutely no contact with me. My son, still maintained a relationship with them.

So here is where the problem begins, or maybe I am the problem. in November of 2021, i lost my husband of 33 years to Stage 4 Leukemia. My son gave the eulogy at the funeral and only 3 of his 4 children showed up at the funeral. Only 1 spoke to me at the funeral. Since then, I have no relationship with 3 of his children only the youngest one stills call to check on"Mom" as he calls me. I feel like they are all in their 30's and 40's now and are adults that can make their own decisions. I also understand that when you go thru the loss of a spouse or partner, It sends you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and will bring out the worst in you. I am still trying to work my way thru the emotional fog of losing my husband, even after 2 years. I was their Mother figure in their lives for a very long time and to turn their backs on me is hurtful but also slightly expected. My main problem is that my son still has a very good relationship with all 4 of them even though three of them have nothing to do with me. He never puts me in a situation where I have to be in their company unless I choose to and I respect him for that. My main problem is this, I feel that my son is disrepecting me by having a relationship with them, knowing how they feel about me. Then on the other hand, he is simply doing what I had asked him to as a child and be a family. So, in all honesty, am I the one, who is being irrational? As I said, the emotional fog that a loss of a loved one puts you in, sometimes makes it difficult to see the truth and that is why I am coming to this forum. I need honest,blunt advice and opinions. I promise I will not be offended as I am wanting to do the right thing but struggle with the emotional fog. Please Help!

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 12/25/2023 - 4:36pm

You did well raising your son.  He had and has an amiable relationship with the SKs and that's YOUR achievement as I know after having a 5-kid blended family.  I think the SKs' neglect of you is a separate issue and I wouldn't fault him for keeping contact with them.

I'm sorry for your loss and I think your feelings are still raw.  I'm guessing that once my DH86 passes, two of my SKs will ghost me, too, tho I think OSS will still be dependable.  It's a shame since, like you, I was the mom figure for years when they lived with us.  But, it is what it is.

My favorite quote is, "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".  Peace and best wishes.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Mon, 12/25/2023 - 4:45pm

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. The holidays are especially hard after losing someone. I would say to go easy on your son. He is, as you said, doing what you taught him to do. He is the person you raised him to be, and that person feels like he must keep in touch with the children he was raised to be a sibling to. In that way, he is honoring you and honoring the man who raised him.

I don't know what is going on with your stepkids. Even if they grew up with you as their mother figure, there is half of their DNA that came from their mother(s?), and if she wasn't around regularly when they were young, there had to have been some dysfunction there. Genetics? Loyalty binds (kids feel loyal to their bioparents and some feel that if they are loyal to a stepparent, they are in some way harming their bio.) Maybe they have relationships with BM now and she is influencing them? Who knows. The fact that they were raised with you means that something was already broken in their lives. And you didn't break it so you can't fix it.

Your son sounds like a wonderful young man. Be proud of the man you raised. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 12/26/2023 - 1:19pm

My condolences on your loss. After 33 years I know you must be grieving a ton still.

As to the skids hurtful treatment - you expected that they would gather to you instead of away from you. Thats the burden we all smothers and sfathers bear - that the humans we help raise, pay for, put love and energy into, once their bio passes, dont even know our names. Sometimes it happens beforehand. So effectively you are grieving the loss of the family you thought you had, and I am sorry for that also.

I just know that will happen once husband passes. That his bios and family will be in the past tense for me.

((hugs))

With that being stated, I feel like your son is acting honorably. Thats what you raised him to do. Im sorry that your feelings are hurt - no shame in saying that - but you should act with the grace you sound like you always have and try to accept his relationship with them.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 12/29/2023 - 12:34pm

Loyalty binds are challenging for anyone.  You raised a good man.  He is trying to make everyone happy. That... is difficult.

In our case, my DW was a single teen mom with full physical and legal custody of SS-31.  The SpermClan made zero effort to see SS once DW left SpermLand for university shortly after HS graduation.  Until the small town grapevine broadcast that she was dating someone. Then... SpermGrandHag went after custody of SS.  Thinking that my low income IL's and my not yet DW could not and would not fight her.  DW took out a pile of supplemental school loans, got a lawyer and went to war.  

Ultimately the SpermLand Judges upheld sole physical and legal custody for my DW and awarded 7wks of long distance visitatio per year to the SpermIdiot. Not that the POS ever actually visited with his eldest of 4 all out of wedlock children by three different baby mamas. SpermGrandHag was the one who paid CS for my SS, utilized her idiot serial statutory rapist POS son's visitation with my SS.

We battled to minimize the toxic manipulative PASing crap that the SpermClan perpetrated against my SS and my DW for the 16+ years we lived under the CO.  While keeping SS fully abreast of the facts regarding the SpermClan and .... making sure to guide SS to maintain contact and be respectful of the SpermClan.  As he grew through his teens he started doing his own research on things that they did that did not pass his smell test and started calling them out in real time on lies, etc... when he was in SpermLand for visitation.

Now, nearly 14yrs after aging out from under the CO, he has little to do with them. To the point that he has not spoken with any of them in well over a year.  I am the one he talks with about them.  I try to guide him to make sure to maintain some level of contact.  He has no respect for them and though he knows these are people he is supposed to love, he cannot bring himself to expose himself to the heartbreak they invariably cause him.

Please do not feel betrayed by your son. He no doubt struggles with all of the situation even more than you do.

His loyalty to you is unequivocal.  He is trying to maintain some level of contact with his childhood family.  

I know that though my own SS won't engage with them, he feels quilt over that choice.  I am proud that he is choosing to make himself his priority and does not jeopardize his own peace to engage with them beyond what HE is comfortable with. Even though that differs from what I advise him to do.

Take care of you.