Wait...Did I mention that stbxH & I will still share the house 5 days a week and some overnights?
So I posted a blog earlier this week about the fact that H moved out this past weekend and we are separated, but I forgot to mention our little "arrangement" we agreed on "for the kids sake".
H will still be caring for our 2 boys, 2yo and 6yo, in MY home for about 1.5 to 2 hours between the time he gets off work and gets them from childcare until the time I get home from work on weekdays. He also will be spending the night at MY home to watch the boys when I ocassionally have to travel (which I will be traveling overnight this coming Sunday to Monday, and again in a few weeks.) We both agreed this would be easier on the boys to be able to maintain the status quo of being cared for by Daddy in the comforts of their own home when Mommy's not there, but I guess I'm not so sure how good this is for stbxH & I? I mean, I did a lot spring cleaning and redecorating this past long weekend after he moved out so I'm sure he already sees that changes are being made and I wonder if that bothers him - like I'm cleansing myself of him & his children's presence and taking my life back so soon? (Which is exactly what I'm doing!)
It's been very awkward to say the least the past couple days with him there and us barely speaking or even looking at each other when I come home and he leaves, but I am also a little concerned about my privacy now that we're no longer together and he will be spending so much time in my home without me there. I mean, yes it's nice that he took out the trash as washed the couple of bowls in the sink from breakfast while he was there like he always has, but stbxH also used to be the type that would read my mail/email/texts/instant messages and use anything he mistakenly thought was inappropriate against me (i.e. accusing me of cheating based on unsolicited messages from males friends I hadn't talked to since we've been married) and I can't be certain he wouldn't still do this now that we're not together because I know he still loves me and he has unsupervised access?
Although I must say that we'll probably keep this arrangement for the kids sake as long as we can, what do you guys think? Is this "unhealthy" for us? Should we stop? I mean, I guess he could take care of the kids at HIS place, we just thought this would be better for the children?
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Very unhealthy and I suspect
Very unhealthy and I suspect your ex has about another month before you flip out and the kids start going to where ever he is living!! And having him there is not better for the children it just confuses the hell out of them - if daddy can stay some of the time why not all of the time and it will give them the hope that you are getting back together - you need to stop this as soon as you can and do you really want him to be able to snoop around while you are not there - get him out!!!
Do not do this, unless you
Do not do this, unless you are trying to work on the relationship. Otherwise, there are no boundaries here and it will be a huge problem down the road. Sounds easy now, but this type of personal space issues never are.
I agree. This Dr. Laura idea
I agree. This Dr. Laura idea of making the PARENTS move in and out of the home while the children stay put is totally unworkable and a setup for failure.
Don't do it!
No one should ever, ever
No one should ever, ever listen to that vile woman, Dr. Laura!
My BF used to do this with
My BF used to do this with BM. Even when we started dating over 3 years ago. It really does give kids hope that the parents will get back together. Even now ... after living together 3 yrs and dating longer ... the skids still "believe" their parents will be back together someday. Don't let any guilt get in the way of these decisions. BM was nice to my BF because of her guilt of having an affair. I did the same with my ExH (i didn't have an affair) but i ended the marriage & was nice to ex out of guilt. Both of these situations have caused the men to hold on EMOTIONALLY for a long time. Thank goodness my ExH moved on but guess what? My BF still does things for the skids to make the divorce easier on them (divorced over 6 yrs). This is NOT HEALTHY for anyone involved. The kids WILL survive.
I would suggest that the kids stay with Dad at his place for the over nighter. Next week ... let him do the weekly thing for 3 days, then 2 days the next & then 1 the next ... after that - NO DAYS.
You know I think that you are
You know I think that you are a wonderful mother and do everything for your kids, but this is not a good idea. It gives the kids hopes that you will get back together, it also makes him think he has rights in your home because you are giving him some, and if you give him a little he will take more. Eventually you will find out that; oh bm needed me to take my kids and I was here so I just thought they could come here and stay since I'm here already. Then you come home and its the same as it was before those children will be in your home with your kids and you will have no control because your not there.
I give you a lot of credit
I give you a lot of credit for trying to do the right thing by your kids. I think as a transitional solution it's not necessarily a bad thing, however I think everyone else is right for the long run.
I can see how for a month or so it could help the kids adjust to knowing that daddy doesn't live here anymore. Beyond that I can't see how it is healthy. for any of you.
Whether it's now or later,
Whether it's now or later, the kids will have to come to grips that things are changing. It really is best you go ahead & let it change...all of it. They'll cope with it much better than if it's dragged out.
They'll just know that when mommy is traveling, they stay with daddy...in his new apartment. When it's daddy's turn to have time with them, they go to daddy's new apartment.
It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. It's a new place for them. They won't feel out of place. They'll just be in a new place. They'll be with their dad.
It's likely going to be more uncomfortable for them to have mommy & daddy both feeling uncomfortable in the same house.
If you're divorcing, they NEED that closure.
My apologies for being MIA
My apologies for being MIA for a while right after I posted this! Don't want anyone to think I stormed away in a huff because I didn't like the feedback, I was just traveling as I mentioned in the post and had a death in the family so I had to travel for the funeral as well on top of normal everyday stuff like working full-time and being a full-time single parent of 2 small children now, so I've been busy!
Anyway, I actually really appreciate the feedback! You all are right that stbxH & I really do need to cut ties and stop this "arrangement"! Over just the few short weeks we've been doing this I have found myself being annoyed by some of the same things that annoyed me when H & I lived together - mainly because stbxH still invades my space 5 days a week and some over nights! On the other hand, I have never even been to stbxH's new apartment (not that I really care to), and he still has yet to keep the boys overnight even ONCE at this place, so I don't get the same kind of space that stbxH gets now either!
So what I neglected to mention in the original post is that is arrangement IS only TEMPORARY. I've mentioned in previous recent blogs that I am actively interviewing for a new job right now and it is HIGHLY likely that I will be relocating with the boys to another state with one of these jobs (all jobs are out of town, and I already received one offer and waiting to see on two more! Hence all the traveling lately!) so really for me this arrangement has been more about trying to minimize the amount of significant CHANGES that will impact the boys young lives all at once. They are simply getting used to Daddy living somewhere else but they still see him regularly, however, if we relocate with any of these jobs the boys will be very far away from Daddy and may only get to see him once a year for extended summer visits (depending on how much money is available for visitation beyond that) unless stbxH decides to follow us and relocate as I plan on suggesting since he did it for SD12 6 years ago which is why he even lives this this city to begin with! So of course I also want the boys and their Dad to spend as much time together as possible just in case Daddy will not be following us.
Oh, and by the way stbxH is fully aware of the potential moveaway situation with me and the boys with these jobs. I was the primary breadwinner and provider in this marriage and we discussed this at length because I knew that it was highly likely I would need to relocate soon to advance my career - whether we were together or not. Of course it is important to me that the boys spend as much time with their Dad a possible, but stbxH has never disputed that I was the best parent to be the primary custodian of the boys, and that as the primary provider as well I may need to relocate for other career opportunities.
Anwyay, again, thanks for the feedback!