Need to vent
I need to vent and comments are appreciated. I've been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and I really do love this man. But man I hate how he parents and I honestly don't know if I can take it much longer. He has full custody of his two boys, one just turned 18 a few months ago and is about to graduate high school, the other is 13 and wants to go live with his mom in New Jersey. She's pretty HC but not so much since she moved there last summer. She is also an addict and lives with her parents again for like the hundredth time. My issue has always been how much BM and BD have babied these boys. Only since I've came around have they learned anything about independence and doing things for themselves. They had no chores or responsibilities nor did they know how to do much of anything when it came to doing daily things. For example the boys barely knew how to cut grass, cook something simple like mac n cheese, and lord the youngest couldn't even tie his shoes. They have learned alot since I've been in their lives but it still drives me nuts that the oldest still has no job or driver's license, nor does he want either. He is very smart and should be going to college next year but he wants to put it off and has been trying to sneakily do so by missing deadlines and making excuses. But they are both very lazy and have to be told repeatedly to do their chores or do anything for that matter. My fiance keeps giving the oldest money for field trips and such when we barely have money to cover food and the bills. I dont understand why he won't push him harder to get a job and pay for that kind of stuff himself?!?! Ss18 keeps saying he's scared of the real world and scared to drive but expects us to drive him to his gfs every other day or so. I have two grown kids, one 22 girl with two grandchildren, and one son who is 20. They are both independent and always have been cause I taught them to be. My problem is I have a feeling ss18 is going to stay with us for the next few years even when he starts school and want us to care for him and drive him places. My fiance says he isn't going to let him but he's not taking the steps now to stop it or push the boy to do anything else. He is constantly asking his dad or his mom to buy him things and they usually do it so why would the kid want to go anywhere. I've raised my two and my 3 sisters and it is killing me to see these kids so whiny and irresponsible. What do I do? Stick it out til they finally leave or accept that things are always going to be this way and move on?!?!?
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"Accept that things are
"Accept that things are always going to be this way and move on" is the correct answer.
He's parented this way for 18 years, he's not going to change any time soon. SS18 will be living with you when he's 25 at this rate.
Unless the parents want to
Unless the parents want to make sure that the 18yo (and younger SS) grow up and OUT there's nothing you can do.
If no college then he should be required to have a full time job, get a driver's license (and a car if needed), and pay a portion for rent (do a lease! this can be done! they are found online!) AND assist with household. You know, like he would if he had an apartment.
If you are at the breaking point, sit down with your DH. Tell him what you will/won't tolerate in an 18 yo living at home. What shoudl be done to help him grow up. If he won't listen then you have your answer.
My DH knows I will not tolerate a skid living with us after High School unless there's a very, very valid reason. He agrees. But I always have my line ready to draw, just in case.
These kids are not launching
These kids are not launching anytime soon and from the looks of it your fiancee and BM seem content with their sons lack of independence. They've been raised this way all their lives, can you imagine the resistance now if your fiancee tried to parent them and give consequences....
Years of enabling that will be very difficult to undo unless your fiancee is willing to make the changes necessary to change the status quo. Things may very well ALWAYS be this way, so perhaps you should consider moving on if steps aren't taken to remedy this.