My Plus son!
We went to a wedding over the weeked. It was DH's Nephew. This is a four hour round trip by car for us so we stayed with his oldest Sister and her husband who are totally understanding about SS18 and his behaviours and they are very supportive. They know EVERYTHING that he has done including stuff that I don't post here.
So I am sat at a table during the evening reception and a lot of dancing was going on, SIL 3 (youngest) is the mother of the groom. She came over and asked me where SS18 was (he came with us but we told him to go and join his cousins at another table, we always have to tell him or he would sit there stuck like glue to us all bloody evening, everywhere we go). Conversation went:-
SIL: ' Where is SS?'
Me: 'no idea' (i did but I wasnt thinking about where he was at all so just said no idea)
SIL: but you have to know...
Me: looking confused 'why?'
SIL: 'because he's your plus son'
Me: 'No, he's DH's son'
SIL: 'But you are married so he's your Plus son!'
Me: No, I don't have to say that. I just look on him as DH's son.
SIL: 'no! we say Plus son here!' (very adamant')
Me: ' He's DH's son' for me
SIL: Chagrined 'Well, that's up to you'
Me: Indeed.
She went off to dance like a 18 year old again on enormous heels
I was a bit p****d off by it. It felt like she was trying to make me feel bad because I didn't treat him as if he were my own. As if he were some sort of wonderful 'extra'.
Let me explain a little about her. She got divorced a few years ago, she now has an SO who has a grown up daughter, very capable, decent young woman who has never given her a moment's trouble and most importantly never lived with her/them. She has no idea what being an 'SM' is like.
Also let me add that DH and I a few weeks ago needed to explain to his older two sisters something regarding SS, something rather embarassing and rather troubling. Youngest sister was not there at the time. I kind of assumed they would have told her too but seems they havent.
I'm wondering if she would have said what she said to me if she knew about that too. She is the one that the SD went to when she was trying to turn all his family against him during her campaign of accusations. She is the only one that still has SD as a friend on her facebook.
It's something I will have to let go but i wonder whether she will keep it up. I hope not. I'm probably already the bad guy in her eyes although I know that the older sister will set her straight. We discussed this at length over breakfast and I said that I was sorry that I felt this way but his behaviour has killed of any good will there. They were totally understanding.
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My SF's family thinks (or at
My SF's family thinks (or at least used to think) that the sun shone directly out of my SSis's arse. They knew about the stuff she let happen to her kids (that ultimately landed her in jail and her rights being stripped from her). They knew about what she had done to SF and SBro. They knew that she always refused help and bed hopped to get what she wanted. All in all, they knew about her problems that caused a lot of pain for my SF.
It didn't matter. My SF was always too harsh or too unforgiving or whatever. I have no idea what story she told their family, but it was clearly the "woe is me" version. It wasn't until she managed to stay with a cousin for a few weeks that some of them started understanding why my SF and SBro were at their limit. However, some family think all should be forgiven and don't understand why SBro won't bring his family around. Um, because he doesn't want to possibly run into his sister that took a baseball bat to his arm and almost shattered it, and other equally valid reasons.
Anyway, my point is that sometimes people live in a bubble. They have an image of how something is or should be, and they double-down on it. My suggestion is to not associate with those people. They won't believe it until they get the right kind of first-hand knowledge, and even then they can live in denial. That's on them to handle, but it certainly is reason enough to not speak with them or go out of your way to help. Being berated, even on a micro scale, is a perfectly fine reason to say "no thank you".
I think you are right, she
I think you are right, she does seem to live in a bubble. She is a person who hates ageing and is into very high pole dancing kind of shoes etc. Yes she's definately a bubble kind of person.
I think you handled that
I think you handled that awkward little conversation great. It had me chuckling.
Not often, but often enough for me, I’ll get questioned about skid, like how do I “like spending the summer with her” - I don’t spend the summer with her; “I bet she’s a big help, you’re so lucky!” - No and no.
lieutenant_dad really nailed it. People like this have never lived this life. They’re out-of-touch with the struggle and definitely in their own bubble.
Even if this was your own
Even if this was your own child whom you loved very much, why would you "have to know" where he was at all times during a family wedding? The kid is 18, not 4.
SIL doesn't sound the a "bubble person," she sounds like a pot stirring drama lover.
Indeed
I thought it weird that she expected me to know where he was. I suppose its because he's on the spectrum. To be honest i almost said 'don't know, dont care'
Oh my, a Plus Son, how lucky
Oh my, a Plus Son, how lucky for you. Your SIL sounds like some of the adult-step poisoned in-laws I have.
Out of many in-laws, there are a couple particular in-laws that believe no matter how awful the skids are to DH and I, these skids just walk on water and can do no wrong.
One SIL is so brainwashed by the adult steps, she continually tries to arrange meetings and gatherings with DH, me and the skids. If you are wondering if your SIL will keep it up, I bet she does for a long while. When we think this SIL will mind her business and stop trying to ruin holidays and family events by trying to make us one big happy family with the skids, she schemes something else. She stops by where DH works to show him gskid pictures.
She invites DH and sometimes me, (I am only invited when other relatives will notice she excluded me), to gatherings she plans with SD(40's), but does not tell DH the skids will be there. So, when he arrives, Surprise! the skids and gskids are there. She never, ever has called me to invite DH and I. This is even after DH told her to call me, as he is busy.She always calls DH. She is nice to my face in front of people, but I know what she is up to. So, after many, many years, she won't give up, even though she is well aware of how nasty the adult steps are to us.
There is another in-law who at every event adult skids are at, she insists DH make some sort of announcement about his brood. She had the nerve and told DH he had to make a toast and introduce his brood to a roomful of people who already know them at our wedding. DH didn't do it. She then told DH at another event to announce OSD was expecting and same for OSS and his wife. Each time DH didn't do it.
I don't get it. Adults skids treat DH like dirt and yet these dimwits believe they walk in water. My DH is a good person and these busybody relatives never give up. We now have to try and anticipate what they will try next, (there are many more past instances), when we attend family events.
I bet your SIL knew what SS did, but she just doesn't get it, like my inlaws.