Will it get easier for SO?
Its been a little over a month since we have seen or heard from SD (other than when she ran away from us at counseling).
SO has been doing ok so far, except for the past couple days. He's seemed like he was dealing with it ok. He's been in a great mood most of the time and honestly I hate to admit it, but not having SD around has done wonders for our relationship. I don't think we have had a single argument since the first weekend she didn't come over.
The last couple days he seems like its starting to get to him. We were picking up pizza the other night and waiting in the car for it be ready. 2 cars pulled up next to us and it was a family doing a kid exchange. The kids had been at the dads for the long weekend and he was returning them back to BM. The kids gave lots of hugs and kisses to dad and told him how they had a great time and can't wait to see him again. I think it stuck something with SO because he barely said a word the rest of the night.
I know things aren't going to get better with SD and she probably wont come back for a long time. BM is letting her get away with all her bullshit and lies and SO wont stand for it but is still upset.
For all you BMs/BFs who don't see your kids or SM/SFs who's spouses don't see their kids, does it get easier?
Will SO eventually just go on with life and not be depressed and visibly upset about it?
I hate seeing him like this. He's just so sad that he's lost his daughter over drama and PASing by BM. It breaks his heart.
If SD really doesn't ever come back, will he get over it and be able to move on without her?
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It will take time and he
It will take time and he needs to realize this is not his fault. I think the guilt is what really eats them up.
Hopefully, she will realize what her mother is doing and she will come around, eventually.
I feel bad for him, I have been there with my DH.
Will she even communicate with him at all? When my SD stopped coming over, she still talked to DH on the phone.
Nope. She wont answer his
Nope. She wont answer his calls or texts. Every time he calls her or texts her he gets a text from BM like 2 minutes later calling him names.
I honestly think SD is embarrassed. She told her aunt that she's afraid that SO is going to yell at her if she talks to him. Obviously because she knows that she lied and has messed up. She has gotten herself so far into this mess that she doesn't know how to get out of it without admitting to everyone (BM, Aunt, Grandma, counselor) that she lied about everything.
"Nope. She wont answer his
"Nope. She wont answer his calls or texts. Every time he calls her or texts her he gets a text from BM like 2 minutes later calling him names.
I honestly think SD is embarrassed. She told her aunt that she's afraid that SO is going to yell at her if she talks to him."
Wow that sounds EXACTLY like the BM in my case and SD, at the time 13 yrs. old. SD is 15 1/2 now and is hell on wheels according to her FB account.
BM always would let biodad's call go to VM and never return calls. If they DID talk on the phone, it would be a screaming match. Then BM stopped accepting even postal mail and responded (by mail) that if he wanted to talk to her about ANYTHING concerning the children, he'd need to do it via her lawyer.
Most recently, biodad tried to reunite with his "angels" back in 3/12, mostly because he was jealous of my grown bio accomplishing so much and doing so well.
SD stood him up THREE TIMES at the counseling, relaying via the counselor that she was "uncomfortable" in biodad's presence (this kid was once a "daddy's girl" through and through before the marital separation).
She was "uncomfortable" because biodad was going to tip toe over to the subject of her cratering grades (to this day all three still crater their grades-then go to summer school year after year).
He met with OSS briefly then as well; just long enough for OSS, at the time, 15, to reject him completely by never accepting his email address or phone number.
We haven't heard from YSS for almost 5 years now since he rejected a lovely home cooked meal--he went back to the BM's and told her that we were demanding he eat faster and she bought it; he was not yet 7 at the time. This is the kid who normally eats without chewing--but of course the BM was over eager for stories of "abuse" at my house as she herself is a child protective worker.
He was probably sad that he
He was probably sad that he can't have that type of r'ship like that family did. DSO goes thru that also.
WE went to this big family music festival with camping a few years ago. There were a lot of our friends with kids OSS age and they had all just graduated high school. DSO was sad and said.....that could be his kid if BM and SS dropping out of school, going to juvie hadn't happened.
I can tell DSO gets a little jealous of my grandson11. SS14 has a lot of behavior problems and can't just be a normal kid. DSO is sad bc he doesn't have normal boys to hang out with and be proud of.
" 2 cars pulled up next to us
" 2 cars pulled up next to us and it was a family doing a kid exchange. The kids had been at the dads for the long weekend and he was returning them back to BM. The kids gave lots of hugs and kisses to dad and told him how they had a great time and can't wait to see him again."
Who ARE these people? Do you mean that there are non-intact families that don't PAS out the kids? I thought it was a legend not unlike unicorns and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow!!!
Oh wait, I didn't PAS out my kids against their father but that was back in the eighties and nineties!
Yes, as others noted, he'll go through a grieving process similar to:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
The trick is to get biodad to NOT blame you for the child's PASout. It's so easy just to blame SM for the whole situation than take a hard look at the BM's antics or perhaps poor parenting on the BM/biodad's part.
Mr. Guilty Daddy is somewhat in the state of acceptance after five years or so, but deep down he blames ME as it's a VERY inconvenient truth to put responsibilty on the BM for her guerilla PAS tactics and him for rolling over and letting both the school district and the BM clan crap in his face and tell him it's a mudslide.
oh no, he doesn't blame me
oh no, he doesn't blame me even a little bit. This has been going on for almost 14 years. BM tried to trap him by getting preggo and it didn't work. They broke up when SD was like 2 or 3 and BM has been trying to alienate him ever since.
It will get easier. As for
It will get easier. As for the SD being embarrassed and it going further than she thought. Ours was the same way. Her comment was that is she sued DH than maybe he would give her more attention and be nicer to her. She was already the one sucking the energy out of the house and demanded all of DH's attention because she was more high maintenance than the other kid. SS15.
She got over it and is completely damaged by BM. DH knows he did everything he could and this is on BM whoever she turns out to be. We do talk and he says he know she is not the person she could have been, but he did the best he could with a toxic BM.
He is better now, but he hurts and it has been 4 years. She graduates on Friday and he will go and make sure she sees him and leave. He has not been included in anything that BM is doing and he will not give her a gift since she barely passed. He will not reward her for this stuff.
As the days go on and on, your SD will twist in her head that it is all his fault and not her own. I listened to her version of what happened 4 years ago when we tried to re-connect over Christmas and couldn't believe it. She said he threw her out. I told her the truth again and again and when she left the hateful text I got was that BM was an angel and it was all our fault and that we didn't want her. All toxic and lies and I have the court papers to prove it along with the bills.
He needs to let her go and hope she will come back someday. DH is waiting for the same things and in the meantime, I have my popcorn watching the train wreck go off to college.
My DH seems to be over it
My DH seems to be over it although he does have periods where he still wishes that he had as close of a relationship with the skids as he did when he was still putting up with BM's abuse and whorish ways.