The first five years of our marriage involved such horrible attacks and turmoil that it almost did us in--multiple times. When we shut out BM from our lives by the end of Year Two, one of her last desperate calls was, *"We all need to get along [really?!? that's what this is called?] for future weddings, holidays, and grandchildren." By the end of Year Five, skid behavior was so god-awful, I shut the door on them. DH and I decided he would see his kids in some place other than our home unless they apologized and changed their behavior. SS apologized. SD cried and screamed.  
 
Things were peaceful for a long time. There were the jabs and pokes here and there, primarily BM occasionally emailing DH in attempts to reestablish a (drama-filled toxic) relationship with him without my intrusion--ha!--but that was it.  DH held (mostly) steady. He confronted the skids a number of times through the years about their still-poisoned behavior. The "discussion" never made it to the discussion phase. Ok. *shrug* 

SD tried to drag us back in before she got married because she needed money. I hadn't seen her in 7 years when she invited herself to our house, drank a load of wine, and then wanted to "clear the air." We had an interesting discussion, but no apology ever came from her mouth. She KNEW that was the deal. She KNEW she owed me/us one. She has eternally dug in her heels. Her choice. It was embarrassingly transparent that her visit to supposedly make amends was so that DH would pay for her wedding. (She didn't tell us she was engaged at the time, but I knew what this was all about). My hero husband did not pay for the wedding. He said to me that he was cut out of any decisions regarding her life, secrets were kept from him for years, he had been suckered into paying or other things, and he was purposely and actively "punished." Therefore, he contributed only a small obligatory amount and was shocked to learn at the wedding that he would not be walking his daughter down the aisle alone.  *During SD's visit, she eerily parroted, *"We all need to get along for future weddings, holidays, and grandchildren." 

I knew when the babies were going to show up, Hostage Situation 202 was going to occur. After Baby #1, BM actually texted me and DH (separately) photos. I replied something like, "Cute. Thanks." Again, had BM perhaps chosen to apologize for her s*** behavior through the years, we might have been able to have a conversation. Or not. I guess she was expecting me to fall all over myself that she sent me a photo of Hostage #1 Revisited. 

For years, things were good. Honestly, I never thought about them all that much. SS would visit now and then, but then his visits became rude-fests as he got older, so I told DH we needed to clamp down. Then DH had a health crisis last year--around the time I joined Steptalk (the reason I joined ST). For some damn reason, I thought that perhaps adulthood and the fact that there was a major crisis occuring would lead to at least semi-normal behavior, that people would rise to the occasion. Instead, it was a nightmare. I felt I had opened a door that should have remained shut--like in one of those shows about demons...lol...Do NOT open yourself to this. While I had suggested to SS that he and his sister find an Airbnb, somehow that suggestion got lost in the turmoil (yea, because they didn't want to pay). I hated being in my own house with them here--"kids" who clearly could not let go for even one hour of their "job" to treat me with disrespect out of loyalty to their mother. 

At one point, SS said to me, "Mom sent up a gift card for us for dinner."  My response, "How nice."
I never saw that GD dinner. I needed that damn dinner. I was so exhausted. I wanted that dinner. 

Since that time, both skids have been in heavy contact with DH. I get that the reality has hit them that their dad will some day die. But, my God, it feels so much like manipulation again. It feels like a door has been open so wide, which is probably why I have been "in it" again (here) for nearly six months. Before that time, I was good. Now, there is that ever-present cloud here again. 

I'm fine with my disengagement. Or should I say RE-disengagement. I don't communicate with the skids at all. I don't see anything on social media. I don't look for it. They can't see anything about me. DH and I are back on the same page that the skids will not step foot in this house no matter what. No matter what. He, though, is pulled in by grandbabies and pictures and videos and stories, of course. Recently, he is talking almost daily about the grands.  

Here is the echo: *"We all need to get along for future weddings, holidays, and grandchildren."   Well, why the F didn't you all work TOWARD relationships that would result in that?! They want the end result without having put in the effort. 

That is where we are now. They will never stop. I get that DH has the right, of course, to have relationships with his kids (even though his kids treat him like crap for the most part). I have never ever disputed that or disagreed with it. 

I just want the feeling I had for years before his health crisis. There were years I for the most part just didn't think about them.  

If you ever hear, "We all need to get along for future weddings, holidays, and grandchildren" while being treated like crap, run. Run like hell. :)