I Can't Stand To Be Around Her
SD15 is torture to be around. I feel bad because it's not her fault. She is responsible for her behavior but at the same time no except me has demanded better behavior from her and naturally that never went well. I know other people have it worse. It's rare for her to cuss at me. She doesn't ignore me. As long as I have only positive things to say to her we are alright, to an extent. DH frequently tries to enlist me as a partner in helping him continue to enable her to be an entitled brat at the expense and well being of the rest of the family. Other times like right now I have no specific reason for not wanting to be around her. It's like I have this guilty resentment building inside me. It's like since I never see her receive any consequences for bad behavior it makes me really mad at DH and her. I don't see why she should get to do whatever she wants to do when she just mouthed off to one of us or was mean to a sibling. I don't want to give her a ride to a friends house when she was supposed to the dishes but now promises she will do them the next day, a day that never comes. I get so tired of her wants and needs being put ahead of everything else regardless of if it's healthy or not. It's not fair that I'm mad at her. DH allows it to happen. DH won't remove his balls from her backpack and be a parent. He wants her to always feel comfortable coming to him to talk about anything. He doesn't want to put more stress on her than she's already been through. He wants to be the parent that a child can rely on for anything. He never wants to see her unhappy and does everything in his power to make sure she stays happy. If she is upset or sad he will find a way to make her feel better. He will agree to most anything if it means it will make her happy. She gets good grades and loves to throw in his face that she is so great with academic achievements unlike her brothers before her. I can't stand hearing her putting people down to make herself look better and then having her dad not correct her. I can't stand that if I don't treat her like a princess then she runs and tells the rest of her family how horrible I am. The majority of them believe her. I'm mad at him for not having a backbone and being a real parent that isn't "friends" with their children before they are a parent. I can't stand listening to her list off all the things she says she needs her dad to buy for her while me and the rest of us get nothing because we are trying to save money. At least I thought that was the plan. I don't want to be around either of them.
- morrginme's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I could have written this
I could have written this with the exception of my DH buying my SD love. Your DH is parenting her out of guilt=trying to be her friend. My SD and my dynamic changed for the worst when she came to live with us for 6 months at 15 after BM kicked her out after PAS'ing her for 15 years. Notice I said 6 months because like you, I was the only one calling her out for her behavior. BM and DH was too busy trying to be the better friend to her. BM came to pick SD up and moved her back home because I "mistreated SD".
SD called BM and other family members to tell on me on a regular basis "since her daddy stopped chastising me" for those 6 months.
I had to step back from SD (even trying to correct her) after that. Your DH would rather you go along so he doesn't have to correct her in hopes that he does not lose his DD. Like my DH, yours probably hopes his DD will grow out of this stage. She won't it will only escalate.
I had to disengage from SD 2 years ago, at 23.5 because I became her target and no one wanted to correct her (BM encouraged her behaviour towards me but wanted SD to respect her and not act out in the same ways she encouraged but had different expectations of SD towards her and her DH/BF who ever was the flavor at the time). Choose your battles and this is one you will not win. DISENGAGE from your SD (no rides, no gifts, etc.). You can still set boundaries when it come to you and your kids but I would suggest not trying to get your DH to realize what/who he's he creating. He see's it as you criticizing his parenting. Once you remove yourself as a target your SD will show her true colors to your DH. This may not change your dynamic with SD but will protect your sanity.
As far as the family, I had to stop giving a Damn about what they said or thought (it took about 16 years). As a step parent they expect you to shut up and put up with any behavior from their poor little COD. As long as they are not trying to run your home they don't matter or do/say anything to negatively affect you. Deal with their family accordingly..
I used to feel guilty too but the problem is your SD is old enough to know right from wrong and you probably dislike even resent her behavior not her as a person. She will try to find a way to get back at you once you disengage. Don't give her that power. Just set your boundaries with her and your DH. Just because he request does not mean you have to accept..
Again, I know how you feel but I had to learn to stay out of it for my own well being. That's their dysfunction that will escalate as the years go by. Your DH knows you are right but to admit it will mean he's wrong. My DH and SD relationship is so damaged but it also took him almost 20 years to admit to me that i was right. Not that it matters NOW as I don't need his validation. I said that to say trying to convince your DH is a waste of energy. I wish you the best, this is the hardest job for a SP.
my dad's advice
I feel somewhat similar at times with my stepson. He can't even do the dishes. I mean I gave up because every single time I rewash alomost all of them. He literally cannot clean a thing and is virtually helpless. Anyways my dad says to me. In however many years child will be 18, that time will fly by and if child wants to be a pig and live on icecream and soda what of it? I think his point is stop beating myself up about little things and remeber that they are closer to 18 than further from it. Thank god right?
Ugh, this sounds terrible.
Ugh, this sounds terrible. Why do you have to give her a ride if she hasn't done the dishes? Tell her to do them and then you will give her a ride. DH doesn't have to be the one to tell her, if you are the one giving the ride. It won't kill her.
You just have to either let
You just have to either let it go or leave your DH. You can’t force your DH to be a good parent. My SD is spoiled materially, rarely punished when badly behaved, no chores. If you even suggest she did something wrong she flies off the handle.
Im disengaged so she doesn’t come to me for rides, she doesn’t have my cell number, otherwise I’d be like her parents, at her beck and call.
SD does however clean up after herself. If she doesn’t, I will first tell DH to clean up after her. (I have even accused DH of making the mess “DH what on earth did you do to this kitchen?!?”, lol which embarrasses him, and he gets on to SD about it). If neither one of them wants to pick her stuff up, I will toss her stuff, or if it’s important misplace it in her room so she has to go looking for it...