Feelings of resentment toward spouse
Hi everyone,
I am on the hunt for support and advice. 
I am married to a woman, mother of two boys, who were adopted by her just last year. We have been raising them together since they were 12 months. There is no real other step parent in the picture. We have been raising them together (I thought) and I was going to do a step parent adoption after her adoption finalized. But, somewhere along the way that changed. Now she doesn't want me to adopt them. She says that she wants to raise them together and that being their step parent will be the same as being their parent. Somehow she seems to really think that is possible. Yet, I feel shut out of many decision-making processes. The boys love me and call me Mama, but they have a definite preference for her. I resent her for taking the boys away from me. I feel like they were mine and we were working toward growing the relationship year after year, but now I feel like I have to step back to being a step parent. I don't know if I just don't know how to co-parent or if she doesn't. I wonder if I don't know how to be a step parent. I don't know what is wrong. Sometimes it is bigger things like discipline and house rules. I have 2 bio kids and we do okay deciding on this but mostly I step back and have to let her raise them because I will always be overridden. sometimes it's seemingly little things like planning their birthday party. Sure, I get to look at the decorations and them she chose, and she involves me, but really she picked everything. We got in an argument last night because when I spoke up about a certain kind of gift I wanted to get them, she became very defensive that I didn't want to get them what she wanted and I became very mad that I couldn't have any say in any of the presents they would get. So, I told her I will just be a step parent and let her do everything and just support her in raising them. She doesn't understand how that hurts me. I feel very alone and grieving the loss of children that I thought were mine. And, I fear this will only tear our family apart. How can I get past this hurt and step back from the role I was playing? How can I show them parental love and yet not be involved because their real mom is doing it all? It is so complicated and emotional I can't even think straight to process it.
You could look at this a ton
You could look at this a ton of different ways.
She's not adopting your kids, and that likely doesn't bother you, so why should you get to adopt hers?
Maybe she's not feeling like the two of you are a "forever" deal, so she doesn't want to get into that complication.
Many blended families do just fine without adopting, so I think you are using a piece of paper as a red herring to not look at the REAL issue... which is that you and your partner have horrible communication and don't co-parent well.
Well, we were planning on me
Well, we were planning on me adopting for the last 3 years. They were under guardianship and we had to wait for some other legal and financial reasons. The plan was never for her to adopt mine since they have a bio dad and we share custody. We do have communication problems I think. I understand logically why she would want to change her mind. But emotionally it hurts. It's not just a piece of paper, it is status as an equal parent. I am not an equal parent anymore.
Thanks I think she is tired
Thanks
I think she is tired of me being sad about it. I think maybe I just need to figure out how to be step mom and not real mom but that is hard and always reminds me of what I though I had or what I imagined we would have. Then, I get sad. She doesn't see a difference and she feels like she involves me. As a step mom, sure. But I just can't seem to accept it. I don't know how to make my feelings change.
You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel sad and no one should dismiss your feelings by being 'tired of them'. They are your feelings and your are grieving the loss of a life you thought was yours.
If I were you Iwould sit down with examples and explain the difference you feel from what you had expected and that being a step parent for you is not the same - also find out why she has changed her mind? Because I can't understand such a change - three years one way and now this? I get an impression something else going on here
If you feel like you no longer have an opinion and are pushed to the side, it may be worth taking some time away or disengaging for a while to give yourself the space to adjust to this life and role change
But in terms of my original point:
Your feelings are your feelings. Feel them and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. She changed things on a hairpin , the least she could do is allow you some respect for your feelings. But really I wonder about the level of respect had for you at all
This is brilliant advice.
This is brilliant advice. You two should explore this with a counselor. If she won't, you should go alone until she will.
Thinking this through (typing
Thinking this through (typing this through) on here is good. Thanks everyone for the thought-provoking questions and insight.
So, the toy thing... it was a toy gun. I have already given in on the "no toy gun" thing with the oldest. I believe she thought I was trying to say that the twins should not have a toy gun. She got very defensive saying they want to play with the oldest and they want it. I wasn't even saying that, I was saying that I wanted to get them the same kind as the oldest. But, it caused an argument because I had my input, expressed the gun that I thought they should have. Then she went looking around and came over to me in the aisle and said "I decided what toy I want them to get."
This happens a lot in my view. Yes, there are things we plan together and do together. Yes, I love them and they love me. But no, I am not an equal parent. I can probably adjust to that. I might need to go to some counseling just for that or maybe it would take a lot of practice and hurt feelings. Yes, I do think I need to understand more about *why* she changed her mind. But, the thing that hurts the most is that she thinks we are equal! She doesn't even begin to see how I can feel left out or secondary, let alone to understand how it hurts and how it hurts that I am not adopting. Then, push it even further and I am mad at her specifically for taking them away from me. I know they are hers and she fought a long time to have them. That is why I can't push for me to adopt but it sure would be nice for her to acknowledge my pain and what she (I believe) did to me.
It is possible. There is
It is possible. There is nothing stating that an adoption has to be 2 parents. However, I did not include all details (because it is just one short post
)... She has been raising the boys since they were born. She got guardianship without me. We got together when they were 12 months old. So, they are like her bio kids... from another relationship. However, she is their only parent legally. We were raising them together. It is easier to go from guardianship to adoption. So, she adopted first. then a step parent adoption is pretty easy.
I understand your hurt.
I understand your hurt. However, don't write off an otherwise good relationship over paperwork.... at least not yet.
I married my bride of nearly 22 years when SS-23 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
I was insistant that if we were to be equity life partners that we both had to be equity parents to any kids in the picture. I never backed off on that requirement and we were able to make it work together. Though the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan have always been in the picture my equity parent demand never allowed them to marginalize me and it never allowed by bride to marginalize me either.
The topic of adoption came a few times over the years and SS actually had a very mature perspecive on that tipic. "Dad, you are my dad. You have always been my dad and always will be my dad. Paperwork will not make that any different." So, when he was about 13 that discussion ended.
Then... 13mos ago my bride and I got a call from the kid. He expressed very clearly that he wanted the family name. We were happy and told him that he could file for a change of name. He clarified and informed us that he not only wanted the name he wanted to be adopted by me, with my on his birth certificate, and basically wanted the full meal deal official thing. So, we called our killer attorney and four days later the adoption order was signed by a Judge.
It is time to sit your bride down and give her clarity. You are an equity parent, you will adopt YOUR children, and see what she has to say in return.
Give it time to simmer, revisit the conversation periodically and if she continues to have an issue with that then she can leave and you bring the full weight of every legal option you have to bear on the situation.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Do you financially support
Do you financially support these children bc if you do then you should stop.