Dealing with a crazy ex wife
}:) So tonight after work I go to his mothers to pick up my child, all his family is there. I walk in, nobody awknowledges me they’re all gathered in the kitchen chatting it up with his ex wife! I’m like the stranger in the house feeling embarrassed while she’s smiling at me knowing I’m furious. I grabbed my son and left I’ve never felt so embarrassed and pissed in my life! Am I overreacting?
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What a perfect name for you.
What a perfect name for you. Haha! Hey y'all. This is a friend of mine I sent to the site. She needs to vent something fierce. Please make her feel welcome.
Did you to them? Or did you
Did you to them? Or did you just grab your kid and go? Was it all his family? If it’s just like his mom and sister, I’d personally cut them off and have a firm conversation with my SO about why, If it’s bigger like his mom, dad, brothers, wives, sisters, etc then I would consider what effect it would have on my SO to excommunicate his whole family in terms of birthdays, holidays, family occasions and how to go forward. Personally I’d take my kid and they’d never cross my mind again as I’d feel like they made their choice. Is your son by your SO? How does he feel about BM being at his family’s house? If he doesn’t have a problem about it then he won’t stick up for you in any case.
Yes I spoke to them said hi,
Yes I spoke to them said hi, nobody even felt the need to say anything to me. It was awkward. They put on a show for her.
I would have been upset,
I would have been upset, especially if when you walked in nobody even noticed you were there. I’m a snot I would have texted an hour later like “hey stopped by to get my kid, you all busy with BM and didn’t see my kid...at police station! Any ideas of where he is!”
Oh he stood up for me, his
Oh he stood up for me, his mother handed me his jacket when I said I better get out of here because I’m pissed! Not once did she ask the ex wife to leave. I felt so unwelcomed I don’t even want to go back!
Well, now you know where
Well, now you know where their loyalty lies. Adjust your sails accordingly, and be glad they gave you such a clear view of how things are.
Does MIL regularly babysit
Does MIL regularly babysit for you? Can you afford to hire someone? I hope so, because I wouldn't want my child around people who treated me like this.
As exjuliemccoy said, now that they have shown you who they are you can act accordingly. Let DH deal with them
Well I understand the
Well I understand the frustration... MIL likes shoving BM in my face.... And it’s unpleasant... We live with her, so we can’t just cut her off... And DH won’t say s*** to her about being respectful... I mean she literally gave him a lecture regarding how BM is “part of his family.” And lectured me on how I should be “displaying their old family pictures in our house when we get one....” LOL TTey He!! No. Or the other night when she shoved a copy of DH and BM’s marriage cert at him... Apparently she decided to hold onto that... Yet not the divorce decree... And then thought it appropriate to shove at DH when I was right by him and we were riding some things for SD4.... So I get the insane MIL... And it sucks. From the sounds of it, you don’t live with them... So I’d explain to your DH what happened and then tell him you don’t want contact with her. Because you shouldn’t have to live wondering if she’s going to be over at his family’s or not... And for goodness sake... While watching YOUR kid?... That just seems inappropriate to me... But as I’m reminded (sadly) it’s her house so she can make choices...
I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Does BM bring the child over
Does BM bring the child over to his parents for the pick up?
Time to find a new sitter.
Time to find a new sitter.
You can not control who your inlaws are friends with and/or who MIL invites into her home.
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Not sure I understand exactly
Not sure I understand exactly who was where and why. Your Dh's mother babysits your bio-child and you swung by the house to pick you kiddo up. BM was sitting out in the kitchen. I got that.
Does MIL also babysit your stepkid (which would be her grandchild)? Was BM and her child just stopping by to visit? Was your stepkid even present? Were the kids both just spending the day off school with grandma and BM was also just picking her kid up after work. Or was BM just stopping by all on her own to have coffee for no reason other than she was?
Welcome to steptalk. I'm asking questions so I know a bit more about the incident before chipping in my two cents. If Justkeepstepping sent you here, it's for good reason and you'll find yourself among other SMs facing the same crap you do.
The last thing anyone wants after a long day at work is to walk in and see BM's smug little face.
I was wondering about that
I was wondering about that too.
Parents form relationships with their children's partners. The marriage ending dose not mean that other relationship instantly ends either. Even more so when their are grandchildren involved.
Staying on BM's good side means more access to their grandchildren. Yes it's kind of rude the way things happened but then again it's odd for everyone.
Clearly you and BM don't exactly get along but that puts them in an odd spot. It's really not simple to tell BM to get lost because Just is coming over to pick up the kids and BM was there first it appears.
The situation was odd for everyone involved.
If I may.
BM's family here LOVES me. We stop by to get the kids or something for them and we'll stay and talk for a bit. They have 'secretly' and even very open condemned BM. We have messages from her brother telling my SO that he is the better parent. That BM is a monster who is unfit to have the kids and is repeatedly dumping them on their very ill father. BM's own father apologized to my SO for his daughters behavior. His wife got us a small gift this year and gave it to us when they picked up the kids one day.
BUT
I've been there when BM was at the same time before. They go silent. They realize that if they p*ss off BM she will up and run and they won't see the kids. She has repeatedly withheld them from family members to get her way. So what do they do? They don't openly disrespect me and I do my best to understand. They say Hi and bye and give the kids hugs and kiss while sending us out the door.
That’s the thing though, why
That’s the thing though, why do we have to kiss their @$$ it’s not fair why do I have to look like a fool because she’s crazy?!? His mother knows how he feels about her yet she still welcomes her with open arms. Yes she was watching my child and his BM showed up with hers to stop by, I get it thanks for bringing her but why are you here? You don’t have to be present for your child to see her grandma. Also this isn’t the first time, his mother had pictures of her still up and his BM cheated AND moved a guy in Their home while they were still married. So why does MIL feel the need to bow down to her still?!? She’s a rotten person who has sent me awful messages that his mother read too. It’s just not ok with me anymore I’m tired of it. I love him so I’m not going anywhere but I will make her life hell now and let her see how it feels!
"I love him so I’m not going
"I love him so I’m not going anywhere but I will make her life hell now and let her see how it feels!"
Uh-oh, deliberately going out of your way to provoke BM is never a good idea. Setting boundaries and letting your DH deal with and do the communicating with his ex usually works better.
Could you expand a little. How long has BM and your DH been divorced? How old are the children and is your child a joint child with your DH. Some BMs are very high conflict and some of them love to go out of their way to bug and paly games. No one is suggesting you kiss BMs butt, but the less you have to do with her is for the best. Unfortunately you can't tell GMa she can't have her other grandchild visit, and no, it's probably not necessary that BM visit in the grandparents home (BM could just drop the child off and come back and get child or the grandparents pick the other child up). But with that said, you nor MIL's son can really tell MIL who can visit in their homes. You could tell MIL that the surprise was unpleasant for you and that you don't care to repeat it. Perhaps MIL didn't know BM was coming, and if MIL did know MIL could make time arrangements so that you ladies don't run into each other.
Yeah, photos on the walls get touchy. I see no reason for a MIL to still have photos hanging on the walls of just the ex wife and MIL's son as a couple. Kinda in bad taste when the marriage is over. Time for MIL to move those 'couple' type photos off into a photobook. Family group photos will be something else though. Example, a group photo of all the adults and children from say Christmas four years ago (and yes, BM happens to be in the photo along with 20 other people). A photo such as this is not a slap towards you personally.
Are you talking small family photo with the stepchild and both BM and Dad in it like sometimes parents give out to grandparents they've had taken in the studio? If so, time to update MIL on her collection. Have new photos taken of DH, you and the kids so she has new pics (current ones) to hang.
Ok, now let's hear what all is up between BM and you that the very sight of her set you off. There has to be more than just you were taken by surprise and felt ambushed at pick-up. I have a hunch there's some history and difficult times between BM and you.
The ladies here can help you and advise you. Some of the Sms here have totally bat sh*t crazy demons for BMs.
I’m gonna be blunt... it’s
I’m gonna be blunt... it’s not fair. I agree, and anyone on here (and tons of my blogs) show how much it makes me mad too. BM literally got pregnant so she could get military benefits... Started demanding when she got them the SECOND she found out, DH hadn’t been left for boot camp yet... She cheated the entire dating relationship... And DAYS after they got married she vanished, and literally drove TWO states to hook up with someone:.. then proceeded to be unfaithful the ENTIRE marriage until DH couldn’t take it anymore and filed for divorce. She’s never done anything good for the girls, is emotionally abusive and neglectful and now dealing drugs... It’s disgusting. About seven months ago she completely ditched the Skids, only ever appears when she needs to use them... Her family finally approached us when they found out she was dealing...
And yet. MIL still throws her in my face sometimes... And it SUCKS. Especially after everything she’s done to DH, the girls, and even myself... Best you can do is try and get DH and yourself some VERY solid boundaries and minimize contact with the psycho and probably MIL until she wisens up.
Feel free to PM me if you need it. I’ll listen to whatever you need to vent.
Adding to what
Adding to what Dontfeedthetrolls stated: everyone suffers to a point, and it’s like walking on eggshells, when there’s a “crazy” bio parent to deal with.
“BM's own father apologized to my SO for his daughters behavior.”
DH’s Ex FIL did this too. He knew BM was a spoiled, high conflict brat. He, too, had rapidly declining health towards the end of DH’s marriage to BM. Still, BM had no qualms about dumping her 3 year old off with her own bedridden father for DH to scramble his work schedule around in order to pick skid up.
OP, I highly advise you remove yourself and your cold from this toxic childcare situation. I imagine things will improve greatly if you do.
I certainly wouldn't be using
I certainly wouldn't be using a woman who has so little respect for my husband and my marraige as child care. Mil doesn't have boundaries with a crazy person because she either enjoys the drama or she's crazy, too. I would pull way back from the in-laws. Don't rely on on them for anything and expect them to play stupid games.