What's w/the control issues??
I have read a couple posts on here about custodial parents and their control issues...our BM is obsessed with control. DH and BM had never had a court order previous to DH and I getting married. Few weeks before the wedding, we get the paperwork. Needless to say, coming up with $500/month additional for c/s was a HUGE financial hurt for us.
We had a meeting w/BM and advised that this was going to hurt us to the point where we wouldn't be able to visit SS. (She's handicapped and doesn't drive) BM said she wouldn't change the support order, but would give us money back as long as SS didn't need it. DH and I didn't agree w/this, because we are grown adults and shouldn't need to be asking anyone for our money. BM swore up and down that she would never 'deny us' our money, and if she "could just have that little bit of control, everyone would be happy". WTH???
To this day, she requires DH to call her 2 days before our weekend to 'set up a time'. Okay, our time has been the same for 2 years now...then she will call again on Sunday to verify the time again. During the school year, we pick up SS up her home after school. DH has rearranged his schedule so he can pick SS up at school, which is 20 minutes closer to us...BM was nearly in tears because she 'couldn't kiss her baby goodbye'. What is with her?? Any advice? She is driving me nutty...
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First of all, if you don't
First of all, if you don't have a court order for visitation, get one immediately. BM cannot demand that you call 55 times to confirm. You follow the schedule dictated in the order and that's the end of it.
Don't let her hold you hostage this way. You said that you wouldn't expect money backf rom her (I say that you shouldn't expect it, but take it if she offers and consider it an extra) so what's the bargaining chip here? Is DH trying to appease her?
I am a BM and an ex-SM. I can totally understand why she'd be upset in not seeing her son before Dad picks him up for visitation, but it's the best thing for everyone. It's too confusing to see Mom for 15 minutes after having been away from her all day, then go with Dad all night. BB did this in our case and because EX had no backbone he went along with it and of course my SS was the one who suffered for exactly the reason I mentioned.
Hang in there. BM might want control, but you don't have to give it to her.
Krissy
Yea, we have one now
Not shockingly, we received the paperwork right before our wedding. I should have clarified that. Our order says we can have him for a 1/2 day on Sat and return him by 4 on Sun. We have extra time w/him now, because SS wants to be w/us. We pick him up on Friday and he goes home around 3-4 on Sun, so we're pretty lucky that she's not holding us to what the court actually deemed. She wouldn't say 'no', though, because then she'd look like the bad guy to SS.
Yes, DH is terrified of this woman. As much as I love him, it's the saddest, most pathetic thing I've ever seen. She's always been a very controlling person, and has always used SS as a weapon. I have told DH that she can't 'take him away' at this point, because as financially hurtful as the c/s was, she lost a TON of the control he was used to. She and her family already say mean things about him (and I, as I have been informed by SS...) so I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but it's infuriating. And he's not intimidated by anything other than her...it's so bizarre and frustrating!! I have no idea how to get him to stand up to her. I know he needs to want to do it, but I wonder what I could do to help...any ideas?
Well...he doesn't have to do
Well...he doesn't have to do anything, really, except demand that she follow the order. If there is anything that she wants him to do above and beyond that, she will have to file for a modification so that it can be added properly. She does not hold all the cards, here. Now that there's an order, she cannot just break it when DH doesn't comply to her whims. If she does, she'll be held in contempt.
I guess what I would do is ask DH what he is afraid of. Remind him that BB CANNOT take SS away from him as long as there is a court order. If he is honest with you, you'll have a better idea of what you're dealing with and can attack it full-on.
Typical of many bbs
Your story sounds like mind (regarding the control issues)... our bb and my dh got along just fine until dh moved on.... when bb saw that dh was happy, successful, and had met a better woman than she could ever be.... shit hit the fan... I truly belive that many bbs don't want to see their exs doing better than them... and so they do whatever is in their power to drag dh down. I have come to accept that our bb will forever be a thorn in our side...
I Totally Agree
They have jealousy issues. They don't want the man but they don't want anyone else to have him either. It is sad. I have known my ex since I was in high school. I would NEVER wish him anything but happiness.
Smack her
It may not knock any sense into that head of hers, but I bet it would feel good to do. Then tell me about it, so I can live vicariously through you. But on a serious note. Why does he HAVE to call her 2 days prior to "confirm" if this is what is in the agreement? He should just be able to pick him up at the designated place and just expect that UNLESS one or the other needs to make a change they should not have to talk. CONTROL... that is all these women want. OMG~ I think that is why BM went crazy yesterday because I asked for something and she wanted it her way or no way, and I chose NO WAY this time.... she went ballistic. They are all nuts I tell ya.
Daddys Gurl-
Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.
What I don't get is WHY
What I don't get is WHY would these women choose to make life sooooo difficult? Why not just enjoy life and be thankful that your kids' father wants to be around? Christ, if my DD's BF gave a crap and wanted to see her regularly, I'd jump for joy. Yeah, he's been crappy to me and I have issues about what he put me through, but it's NOT ABOUT ME. It's about DD and her father. Also, I must confess that I'd love the break now and then
They are jealous, Krissy!
They are jealous, Krissy! BM here was not the same way, but ever since I came into the pictures, only about a month after DH moved out, she has treated him like crap and denied any extra time we requested, for the most part.
~ Katrina
Honestly, I don't know
I think she is just so used to getting her way w/DH and having him under her thumb, and DH is so used to doing everything her way that it's almost the norm for them. DH complains about it, and has told her that it's kind of pointless because it's the same time/place when we pick up him/drop him off. He said she just changed the subject to SS and a new thing going on w/him and DH get side-tracked. He didn't bring it up again because he knew 'she didnt' want to talk about it'. I don't understand why he continually puts her first. There's nothing she can do to us at this point, including taking SS away, so I'm curious as to what his issues are w/her, and he's not very open about it. Is there ANYthing I can do to help him get over this crazy 'BM gets everything she wants' BS??
Yeah, screen all calls and
Yeah, screen all calls and turn the ringer off the phone. Don't respond to her when she calls to 'verify' the pick up time, since it's pretty confirmed through court what time and place you're to meet. That's my advice.
Krissy, I hear ya girl
My bio kids dad is the biggest waste of humanity that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. I would be just giddy if he would give our kids the time of day that they deserve. I don't get these bio mom's that feel they need to control what is happening in a household that is not their own. You think that they would be thankful that their ex wants to stay involved and that the new wife is open to dealing with their kids. I would be tickled to death to deal with a sm like me.
I agree with Mocha, it much just be jealousy.
Georgie
So I tried talking to him...
I'd posted another about therapy working or not working and got some great advise. (Thank you, ladies!) I ran the idea past him and he was completely unreceptive. He said that she is always going to be the way she is, and even when they had a court order to go to mediation together, she played really nice and sweet infront of the mediator and then changed her mind and didn't follow through w/anything she had said she would.
He said that things are going better now than they ever have even from when they were together. For me, that is so upsetting. Things aren't terrible, and I'm lucky that she's not as mean as she could be, but there are things about her that just bug me, ya know?
I said for maybe next school year, we could start picking him up @ school, and maybe he could talk to her about the calling and checking in. He looked at me like he'd never even thought about it before... He said he'd talk to her about it, so I'll def. update you girls. Thank you for the great advise! *crosses fingers*!