Navigating the thoughts about my SS & future.
So there have been new developments and I needed a place to share. It's interesting thinking back to when I met my husband and how it was much easier it was when the kids were 6 and 3. Now that 6 year old is 12 and is dealing with a lot emotionally.
Here are the facts right now:
We found out about two years ago that my SS is Autistic (High Functioning), has anxiety, OCD, and depression. He is 2x Exceptional, that means he excels tremendously in certain areas, while other areas he is below his grade level. For him specifically, he tests at the collegiate level for math, while he has the ability to write at a 2nd grade level. Whenever he used to have a problem as a little kid, he liked coming to me for help. He liked doing homework with me and would ask on how to talk to his friends about things when social situations would arise.
Now that's he's older he's become such an introvert that it has changed him entirely. He is about 50 pounds overweight, has no muscle strength or stamina at all, grew his hair out past his shoulder blades and his TERRIFIED to cut it. He also hasn't been to school (goes to private school) for more than an hour a day for the past year, so he's definitely behind in writing and ELA. That information was just recently revealed to us.
There have been many fights between my DH fighting with BM and what is in his best interest, espeically the part about education. However, BM has my SS 95% of the time and he doesn't want to come over right now. He doesn't like the fact that we have him sleep in his own bed, instead of sleeping in bed with us. He only sleeps in bed with his mom and we feel it is pertinent that he learns how to become independent and self-reliant. He can't seem to get his own food and expects everyone else to pick up after him, bring him food/drinks, and not have to take a shower/brush his teeth. It's like reality isn't an option for him and his BM enables him.
Here's my question:
I need help on how to guide through this situation, as a SM. My DH and the BM are 17 and 20 years older, I am 34. I am terrified that he is going to need help when he is an adult and his parents are gone. I'll be honest, I don't want to have my 40 year old SS living with me. You know? Not that I know what the future holds, but it seems like it's just getting worse and worse since I met him. Any advice on how to think through life right now, would be GREATLY appreciated.
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Comments
Bm and your dh need to start
Bm and your dh need to start working on their son's future ASAP because you have absolutely no legal obligation towards him. He is not your responsibility... unless you adopt him.
I feel guilty
I feel really bad thinking this way. I know he would be quite capable of being independent but his BM presence and my DH's inability to get through to my SS is putting him in this position of becoming inept.
Am I wrong for thinking like this?
No, you aren't wrong. What
No, you aren't wrong. What would DH do if he were single and didn't have you to rely on? DH and BM need to have a long-term plan for SS including long-term care if that is needed. You should not be the fallback plan.
You are not the fall back
You are not the fall back plan, and this is not and will never be your responsibility. You need to clearly express that to your husband.
Say that you are happy to support your husband and be a friend to your SS, but that your H and BM need to have concrete contingency plans in place for THEIR son in the event that something happened to them.
I have an Autistic SS. He is
I have an Autistic SS. He is 21 and I understand your fears.
I feel like, because DH has had full custody of my SS so many of the things you are dealing with were never issues for me. Have you arranged for a meeting with his counselor? I think you need the counselor on your side and for your DH to request more visitation through the courts. Up to 50/50 if possible. While in the short term, this will be expensive and a HORRIBLE adjustment, the long term beneifts will pay off.
His mom is doing him no favors in life. If it were up to my SS he would only leave his room to eat...maybe not even then. Instead, he works 3 days a week, has to go to family functions and eat dinner with us as a family at night. He also has to contribute to the conversation at dinner. If he is rude or mean, he has an extra chore that evening.
Grooming is still a battle for us, and he is 21. It is very easy for Autistic kids to not want to shower, brush, get hair cuts, etc. When SS first came to live with us it was a battle to get him in the car to get a hair cut. I am talking DH YELLING at him to get in the car. He would scoot his butt so far down in the barber chair he was wiggling away from them. It clicked with me about the process of a hair cut and reminded me of videos I have seen. We now go to someone who lets him sit in the waiting room chair while she cuts his hair and when he needs a break, she lets him. Also, no cape. It has made a HUGE difference and he doesn't hate haircuts anymore. She also won't make small talk (my request because he said he hates talking to people he doesn't know) and that helped too! LOL
At the end of the day, this private school probably isn't the right place for him unless they specialize in disabilities, public schools often have more resources!
You are not wrong to be
You are not wrong to be concerned. The reality is that at some point this kid will need help because it is highly likely that he WILL outlive his parents and when they are gone, you most likely won't have responsibility towards him. (unless your DH does something like appoint you as someone to oversee a trust of inheritance for him.. but you would have to agree to that).
The good thing is that 12 is not too late to start this kind of planning. But, I know it is a hard subject to broach...like wills, people are not always comfortable with these discussions because they don't want to deal with the reality that they may not be here one day. But, that is a fact of life.. and since his son has special needs and may be limited in his own ability to take care of himself, his parents should be working towards a plan for him that will allow him to live independant of them.. even if that means not 100% independant.
You can approach this from a place of caring and concern. It's not so much about his son's current behavior, but clearly, his father needs to recognize that his son will need help in the future and he has to accept that he and his EX are going to be gone one day and they need to ensure that there are resources and a plan in place in case something happens. AND.. they should be working now to make their son as independant and as life skilled as possible while they are here to soften the journey.