Ive never done this before but wanted to for years, heres my story.

I finally met the man of my dreams, he has a son with his ex 2.5yrs old and he is a full-time dad to her other boy of 5.5. The mother was abusive, drug user, using them for dole money... she has another kid now with another father (which lives with her mum). The kids saw there mum to start off with on a more regular basis and for longer times. She didn't make mine and my now husbands life easy and one of the kids was persuaded not to like me much. we got through all that.

Time has gone on and Im now married and bringing them up full-time. she's in jail and sees them for a hour or so every 2 weeks with my husband supervising. In the time leading up to her jail sentence, I begged my husband for a child of my own. - if i was to bring someone else's kids up i wanted to know how it would feel having my own. after breaking up over it he finally let me. He's now 2.5. A year ago I realised how amazing it was and was so depressed knowing it would be selfish to ask for another (wanting to see them grow up together the way the older two did, and wanting someone for my son to have, if there mom showed up and they choose to go with her) but did, and now we have the best behaved little boy who's 4 month.

so Im now 30 with a 13yr old, a 10 yr old a 2yr old and a 4 month old. Somewhere Id never expected to end up. I don't know anyone in my situation. and Im struggling, emotionally and physically. I have health issues from the stress. and there mom is pending release next year which means I'll no longer be a stepmom full time, and i find myself being unnecessary hard on them as a possible stupid push them away tactic so i don't get hurt. I realise this is selfish. part of me is welcoming the responsibility lift as to some extent there mum will take that back but the rest of me, just hates that its a constant reminder that there not mine.

Ive also asked my husband if we can have moments as a 4, (minus older two). so we can prepare them for when the older two go off for longer periods and so i can have memories of the 4 of us from when there little. like i do with the other two, without the step kids always having to be there or without it always having to be worked round them. but he's basically said no, and that i asked for to much with wanting marriage, then a child then another. (if i knew i only had 3 wishes!?) and i haven't asked for much either just don't want to list it here.

don't get me wrong, I love the older two and would do anything for them, I see them as my own and am scared of losing them but Ive never been completely able to completely have them as my own as I wouldn't disrespect the mother like that (no matter how much of a dick she may of been) i know she still loves them. plus not sure what she would do to me if I told them the truth about her. so I've done right by her!

Im kinda rambling but the main things are, am I being selfish for wanting time just with my husband and babies? am I selfish for asking for marriage then 2 children and now just a photo of the 4 of us or a moment just the 4 of us. And how do i deal better with there mum coming back in the picture?

Im stupid+sleep deprived and really don't have the brain power to think this through.

at the end of the day I don't want to lose the man of my dreams.