DH went out to lunch with BM - And didn't bother to tell me.
I am... livid. Livid.
Before I get started, just wanted to let you all know that I've been a member here on and off for the past few years. I ended up deleting my account after a big argument and have lurked for the past few months. Anyway, fresh starts are good, and I really need some help before my head explodes.
I'm VERY lenient with DH & BM's parenting relationship. DH has sole legal/physical custody but they've mutually agreed to a more 50-50 arrangement lately. Which is great for me (my health was deteriorating from the unbelievable stress of raising SS8 and SD5 practically on my own)... So I figured that I must be okay with DH meeting up with BM to get things done for the kids. And I am okay with it - but the recurring theme has been: You must let me KNOW that you are meeting with her, as a common respect for your wife. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha. Yeah right.
Today, BM and DH needed to register SD5 for Kindergarten... DH asked me if I wanted to go and I declined. I would rather stay home with BS4 and avoid the stress. All was well until DH called me and told me that he was done with the registration and was (direct quote) "ON [HIS] WAY HOME RIGHT NOW". Okay, cool. 40 minutes passed and he still wasn't home from a drive that takes only 15 minutes. So I called to check up on him. He didn't answer, and then called back 5 minutes later. Where was he? Oh well of COURSE - He decided to take BM and kids out for lunch to "discuss a few things".
If DH would have told me that this was the plan, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. But instead, he outright lied to me... Even if he would have changed his plans and decided to "discuss" things over lunch, that would have been acceptable provided he gives his wife the courtesy of letting her know. Why the need to lie? I am just shocked at how he is able to disrespect my feelings and our trust like that... I spent 3 years at home with his children while BM was MIA, and I afford him a TON of support, patience and respect when it comes to his and BM's co-parenting whatever-the-shit-they-do. And he continues to give me NOTHING in return. Nothing. If I ever thought of meeting a male friend for lunch (forget about an EX that I have children with), I would tell my husband immediately. Furthermore, I could never imagine telling him that I was on my way home to him when really, I was out to lunch with an ex.
I told his stupid face to avoid me like the plague. This isn't the first time he's done this and I feel like a fool for continuing to be gracious and thoughtful towards him. Of course, he's expecting that I'll be home after school every day to pick up SS8 once school starts next week... Yeah, having to revolve my entire universe around his and BM's inability to figure shit out. Too bad I'll be at my mother's for the remainder of my summer break and he can learn what it feels like to not have my support.
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If my DH took BM out to lunch
If my DH took BM out to lunch he would find the locks changed when he got home.
^^ All of that
^^^^^^DITTO^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^DITTO^^^^^^^^
I wish I could do that... Oh
I wish I could do that... Oh well, he'll just come home from work today to find no wife. Poor guy.... getting used to all the perks of having a wife, but none of the responsibility.
I am trying to keep my cool for BS4. Really trying.
Thanks. I hope so, but my
Thanks. I hope so, but my expectations are pretty low right now.
I have to say I had a few of
:jawdrop:
I have to say I had a few of these in the beginning...followed up with a few knock down drag out fights with my DH. After a few of those and my transplant to my best friend's couch for a few days he realized that my point was not that I wanted to control his behavior or his relationship--but that I wanted INFORMATION.
Men are idiots, especially when they have bizarre guilt complexes attached to their Exes and their children. He'll learn. Believe me.
Exactly!!! I am much happier
Exactly!!! I am much happier not being all up in their business. The only thing I want is to know about in-person meetings because I'm his WIFE and I deserve to know.
I think a week away might drive it home, I hope. EFFING idiots, all of them.
^^^^^YEP^^^^^ This is why I
^^^^^YEP^^^^^
This is why I have now learned to retreat. I grabbed a bag and hauled ass outta the house Saturday night when dh proceeded to act like a asshat. Things have been very different since...
SAY
SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! You have every right to be upset. Yes a visit to your mom's and a reality check is due to him.
My DH can't even stand his ex's voice. He only communicates with her via text. If he went to lunch with her, I would be at the jail right now, because is would have been a ploy on his part to run her over
Hahaaa! Well, what sucks is
Hahaaa! Well, what sucks is that I prefer them to communicate well because it relieves me of a TON of stress. So for him to take advantage of that fact, and keep me in the dark is unbelievably low. I can't get a break in any of this, no matter what I do or what attitude I adopt.
Our BM isn't very sane
Our BM isn't very sane either, and I don't trust her... I extend that trust to DH but once again, I'm a big fat fool. I don't even know how to remedy this long-term because he never gets it. I really don't want to have to call him over and over again, and tag along with the two of them for kid-related stuff....And at the same time, giving him my trust obviously isn't working. So I'm out of options. Maybe leaving for a week or so will do the trick.
Like how you handled it.
Like how you handled it.
Would you be willing to
Would you be willing to provide your services over here? I'm short and can't reach his stupid head close enough to do the damage he deserves.
Would you like a baseball
Would you like a baseball bat? How can you swing a golf club?
wayinovermyhead..........
wayinovermyhead.......... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!
I need to employ these tactics. I like the crotchless pants strategy, I like it a lot.
I turned up the crazy over the phone a few minutes ago. He called. And I went into total mafia-mouth mode - and this is from someone who barely drops the f-bomb. My exact words: "You know how good I am? You know how fucking good I can be to you and BM? Imagine that in reverse. As good as I can be, I will be that fucking bad and you'll be begging me to leave you".
I think I'll continue to scare the shit out of him every time he calls until I can GTFOutta here.
Thank you... We do deserve
Thank you... We do deserve that. At the very LEAST that, with everything we put up with and allow on a daily basis.
He had NOTHING. I asked him
He had NOTHING. I asked him why he lied and he said, "I told you about it when I called you back. I didn't hide it from you when you asked. And we were in a public place".
Seriously, this is what he said and that's when I told him to avoid me.
Wow. What is wrong with these
Wow. What is wrong with these guys??? I know how horrific it feels (clearly) - When we were first together he used to call BM secretly and make agreements (like CS amount, visitation, along with chit-chat etc.)... wouldn't tell me about it for days. BM also used to physically touch him when we'd go for pick-up and I was so NAIIVE about it.
I finally got the picture and confronted him and BM about it. He stopped for awhile when we had full physical custody of the kids but now that she's in the picture again, we're back to the same shit.
Can't win.
Lunch with another woman -
Lunch with another woman - maybe okay
Secret lunch with another woman - not good
Secret lunch with a woman he used to have sex with - very bad
Secret lunch with a woman he used to be married to - Capital offense
Dead on.
Dead on.
^^^^Agreed^^^^ It's a matter
^^^^Agreed^^^^
It's a matter of trust. If you have nothing to hide then just fess up. It's no biggie. But why lie about it? Oh, that's right...cause you're an emotional fuckwit whose alien leaders didn't teach human emotions to before they sent you here.
Under NO circumstances would
Under NO circumstances would I EVER be ok with my DH having ANY sort of face to face contact/communication with BM! (Unless it was in court to get his CS lowered or to be done with CS or boot her ass off of his insurance! That I will make exception for)
My DH can't stand his ex, communication is via text. Once in a blue moon is it ever verbal. I don't care if my dh has a kid with another woman or not, if they are DONE then there is NO reason why they should ever be having lunch or together with the kids like one big happy family! Thankfully, my DH knows this and would never do such a thing, BUT should that ever happen...His shit will be on BM's doorstep because I will no longer want ANYTHING to do with his ass!
Apparently during the divorce
Apparently during the divorce there was nothing written about her being able to be kicked off if she remarried etc SOO now the ONLY way to kick her off to the extent of my knowledge is 1) The cost of insurance goes up significantly and she has 30 days to either agree to pay the difference or get kicked off 2) when he is done paying CS and carrying skid on his insurance...but then again who knows!
At my company a family med plan & dental costs about 35.00 A WEEK! I could have at least my hubby on my insurance but because he has to have her on his I might not be able to put him on my super cheap plan! And my dh has diabetes and his small company's insurance doesn't cover anything and he can't afford his expensive meds, but on my plan it would be pennies! HATE BM! I can't fucking wait til that kid is 18!!!!
You can put your DH on your
You can put your DH on your plan, his would be primary and yours would be secondary.
i don't think ex wives are
i don't think ex wives are allowed to be covered under an ex's insurance. he doesn't have her listed as his spouse, does he?
Well she sure as shit is
Well she sure as shit is covered on his plan, that is part of the DD so he has no choice.
I can't imagine I would be able to be added to his insurance if I wanted/needed to be because he is already covering that c--- so they would probably question it or deny it.
I swear that douche ruins everything---if only dh thought with the head above his shoulders this skid/bm nightmare would cease to exist! *heavy sigh*
Tasha, why do you tolerate
Tasha, why do you tolerate your dh covering another woman on his plan? it's illegal and it's fraud. does the court order say specifically that she has to remain covered even after they are divorced?? i can't imagine that it would say those words. i don't know, if my dh wouldn't listen to reason, i'd probably stoop to telling the insurance company that they are divorced and he's re-married! along those lines...are you sure his ex has been taken off as beneficiary of all other insurance policies (life, etc...) and bank accounts? because this is NOT illegal, but if he dies, SHE will get everything. .
You and I live in the same
You and I live in the same world. Agree^^^^^Agree. Communication via text only, and only when necessary.
My DH can't stand her but he also knows who he lives with and who better stay happy. And her name is not Crazo.
Failure to communicate is a lie, he chose not to tell her, and he knew it would not be acceptable to her.
I hope she stays at her mom's for a very long visit.
If our marriage survives long
If our marriage survives long enough, I think that this will be the only way to deal with it from now on.
The only problem is that for school/social functions, I don't want to be there with them. I don't want to deal with it, don't want to see her miserable face and I DON'T want to be stuck in the middle of the stepkid-BM dynamic.
At this point I just don't want to care anymore. Just say whatever and let it be, do my own thing, disengage TOTALLY from the kids and BM, focus on BS4 and my schooling.
In my case, when/if dh ever
In my case, when/if dh ever has to go to any skid events I know my dh wants me to be there because he despises bm and he doesn't want her coming near him and trying to have him sit with her and her try to sit with him. So, as much as I don't like skid/bm I will go to be with my dh so that bm will steer clear of him/us.
I will ONLY do it for my dh...fuck skid & bm!
i, too liked the way you
i, too liked the way you handled it. playing happy family with bm is not cool. maybe he's had a little too much freedom in regards to her and this was the next logical step for him? he's testing, pushing his limits with your tolerance level. when/if the two of you get to the point where you're actually talking about this, i'd re-do the previous agreement. absolutely no contact with bm, emergencies only. fu-- that co-parenting bull shit. it's gotta be parallel parenting from now on. what he did hurt your trust in him almost as bad as having an affair and he's going to have to remedy a breach of trust just as he would if he'd had an affair. marriage counseling would be in order, too. as a matter of fact, i wouldn't return home UNTIL he made appointments. it's up to him to fix this. make a list of the things you need him to do. don't lift a finger. let him do the work. and he needs to have one final "talk" with bm - and not over lunch, and that would be telling her that they will be parallel parenting from now on and to never contact him again unless it's an emergency. i'm burning mad for you.
Good advice... thank you. I'm
Good advice... thank you. I'm a f*cking fool, I really am. I don't know why I allowed it, why I was so concerned with facilitating a co-parenting relationship FOR them. So I could be stepped on repeatedly?
Not anymore. I'm going to take as long of a vacation as I possibly can... this might have been exactly what I needed to disengage from his bullshit FULLY.
you're not a fool, you were
you're not a fool, you were being considerate and NICE. no good deed goes unpunished. it's a shame, but the older i get, the more i see this as true. i'm getting very jaded, but i'm not going to allow myself to become bitter, so i put me/my marriage/my husband first. if dh wanted his life to revolve around skids and bm, he should have stayed single. he didn't, so i and our marriage comes first. there is nothing wrong in starting to think of YOU for a change. i think you've learned that how they parent isn't as important as your marriage, but when their parenting interferes with your marriage, it's gonna stop and another way has to be worked out.
^^^Exactly Cocoa^^^ You are
^^^Exactly Cocoa^^^ You are dead on!
Marriage/dh FIRST!!!! Skid and bm should NEVER be put on any pedestal to the detriment oF your trust, marriage, etc.! NEVER!
^^^Exactly Cocoa^^^ You are
^^^Exactly Cocoa^^^ You are dead on!
Marriage/dh FIRST!!!! Skid and bm should NEVER be put on any pedestal to the detriment oF your trust, marriage, etc.! NEVER!
Yes, that's been my attitude
Yes, that's been my attitude towards them as well as far as meeting goes. Why he feels that he must lie to me is beyond me.
But I told him that it doesn't matter what they were really doing. He betrayed me the moment he told me he was coming home (probably at the exact moment he was driving to lunch, BARF). I told him that he might as well of stuck it in to make it all worthwhile.
Of course, I don't believe that he did anything of that manner but really, it doesn't matter. He betrayed me all the same.
he lied because he KNOWS it
he lied because he KNOWS it was inappropriate and a betrayal.
^^^EXACTLY^^^ If it were
^^^EXACTLY^^^ If it were truly that "innocent" and pointless there would be no need to lie or cover anything up etc.
Thank you guys. I always
Thank you guys. I always second-guess myself and assume that I overreacted or something... But no, not this time, he was absolutely wrong. I would even go so far as to say that he is essentially USING me. Using me to be a babysitter for his kids, using me to be his moral support, using using using. If at the end of the years I sacrificed to take care of his children while BM was voluntarily GONE, he can't even CALL ME to tell me that he is having lunch with her???????? What does that mean??? WHO am I?! An unfeeling robot that deserves not even the bare minimum in terms of courtesy and respect?
He just called, continuing to make excuses.... And I lost it. Lebanese Mafia style though, so he knows I'm not playing around. I verbally destroyed him. Told him I won't be here and that I'm considering all options. Which I really am.
I wish I could tell our entire story from beginning to now, but I'm too angry. In short, this man, BM and his kids have made me unbelievably tired, sick and old.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK
:jawdrop:
Why was there a big need to
Why was there a big need to make a 'family' showing for school registration? Whether they are in this co-parenting thingy or not, why did both parents feel a need to attend a simple 'here's the paperwork, here's the money'?
I guess I could maybe see a 'meet your teacher, see your classroom' evening thing like some school's do, but just to register for school? Geez, I can almost see first day of school now. BM and DH gathered side by side with their cameras at one house or the other. The opposite parent arriving early to help pick out 'first day of school' outfit and making sure kiddo eats a good breakfast, has the supplies all properly packed blah blah.
IMO there's a big difference between 'co-parenting' and 'playing family'...your DH is playing family with his ex.
DH wanted to ensure that he
DH wanted to ensure that he was on all paperwork, listed as a contact, and see the school for himself. It was fine by me... but when he took it another step further by taking her and the kids out to lunch, he decided to play family. Behind my back, without my knowledge.
You're right.
do you think that there is
do you think that there is something up with him and BM?
nachooo, i think you've held
nachooo, i think you've held so much in for so long you snapped and considering leaving your marriage is floating around in your thoughts along with everything else. THIS is the reason i preach so much of not allowing ourselves to become resentful. i'm sure you've bent yourself into a pretzel trying to not interfere with their parenting, wanting to be the cool wife that trusted her dh so much that she allowed him to do things with his ex that she'd never tolerate him doing with another woman. bm's are "other women". worse. dh's loved these women enough to marry them! if anything they get LESS of a free ride with these women. it may come across as not "trusting" your husband, but in reality you are protecting your marriage. and i honestly think it's very rare that a man can co-parent children properly once he's re-married. if he could have done that during his first marriage, he should have stayed married, and their divorce was for selfish reasons. alot of intact marriages stay together for much less noble reasons. but now that he's re-married, his wife is expected to be understanding of the parenting relationship? it wasn't good enough reason to stay married in the first place, but it's a good enough reason to endanger your second marriage????
Damn Cocoa you are on a roll
Damn Cocoa you are on a roll with this post! Every answer is sooo dead on I love it! And TOTALLY agree!!! You go girl!
You are absolutely right, bm IS an "other women" she is probably the woman that us SM should be keeping our eyes on the most, not because we don't trust our dh/so but because they have leverage and a REASON to have contact with our SO! They can cause the most problems if they really wanted to and also because there was a history there, there was sex, emotions, etc.
I know my dh despises his ex and never wants to see or talk to her ever etc BUT I STILL don't trust her one bit and I still will always have my guard up when it comes to her and any interactions with dh because simply put...YOU NEVER KNOW!!!!
yes, they have a REASON to be
yes, they have a REASON to be in contact. and really, alot of men are soooo naive when it comes to women, so gullible. i know my dh's ex pulled the wool over his eyes SO MANY TIMES! and he always fell for it. even after he met me (i opened his eyes, though). and look what happened to op for not keeping her eyes open, TRUSTING that her dh would do the right thing. i swear, i've been married twice now and both of them are like children in alot of ways. i saw it in my dad, and see it in my friends' oh's, even my son in law. men are simply not wired with appropriate boundaries, (and they certainly aren't going to be on the web looking for self-help!) and we have to TEACH them.
He seems awful comfortable
He seems awful comfortable around her and chummy and so compassionate. Did he pay for everyone too?