What to do?
So, my husband and I are about to celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. But, unfortunately, I don't believe it will be much of a celebration. My husband is so very angry with me and I don't think our marriage can stay afloat. When we first got together, my family did not like him and let it be known that they were not fans of his. He is also not a fan of theirs. He has not spoken to my parents or siblings in years and they have not spoken with them. I have a relationship with my parents now and with my siblings as well (although my older sister and I do not have a close relationship any longer). My 3 kids have never really taken to their SD and don't particularly care for him. My 20 YO SD also does not like me much. I believe we are now at the breaking point. The straw that broke the camel's back was me having my son stay at our house last night so that the two of us could go for the run we were entered in this morning. MY husband was angry that this was scheduled and done during our time. His response was to leave the house for hours, telling me that he "went on a run" to give me payback so that I know what it feels like to stay at home by myself. He then brought up other things that I have done with my kids and how that was leaving him home by himself (with his son). he also then said he does not like my 18 YO daughter. So, I do believe I am done with this marriage. I really don't know how to move forward or if it is even worth it. I have 3 kids and only 1 of them really likes my husband. He has 2 kids and only 1 of them likes me. And, here's the real kicker - we are all going on a family vacation together soon! Fun stuff! Any insight or advice would be super helpful - have any of you dealt with a second divorce, how did you deal with it? How did you handle things with your kids? Is there any advice or tips you can give me to possibly save my marriage? Thank you so much
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That is not a relationship that would be acceptable to me.
My fav relationship/life coach Mark Manson just posted this and it made me think of you.
"
Toxic relationships need drama to survive. People in toxic relationships have to consistently test whether or not the other person actually wants to be with them. This is accomplished by creating drama.
Healthy relationships, instead of inventing conflict to affirm their love and mutual support, minimize conflict to make more room for the love and support that is already there.
Choose healthy relationships."
If you can't have your son over for the evening before a morning 5k without drama, then you have a toxic relationship. I would let this fish go.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I do believe it is at the point where this relationship has reached its end. I agree that I should be allowed to have my son over the night before our race. I didn't intentionally schedule it on a night when we didn't have the kids and it was our time. I apologized for that. But, he never even asked how the race went, doesn't care about it at all. And, it was a great experience with my son and I had a great morning with him. My son is 23 so I don't get a lot of time to spend with him so any and all is valuable
I do agree that my DHs sounds
I do agree that my DHs sounds like a petulant child right now. It is so hard to decipher where things are at and if this is him being a jerk, me being dismissive of him or both. There is a lot of history between us, a lot of it negative. Dealing with my family not accepting him, my girls not accepting him and me not being a supportive wife. I do believe I dropped the ball there - I was not as supportive as I should have and could have been. There are so many situations that I could have dealt with differently and actually handled but did not have the courage at the time to do so. At this point, I do believe our marriage is now over. We just talked tonight and he just wants to move on - he doesn't see us staying together - there is just too much family strife that has occurred to move on. At this point, I don't even know where I am at. I have been pretty unhappy for a while now and do believe that this is the end of the line for us. I want to be with someone who truly loves and respects me and it quite simply isn't him right now. I want to spend time with my kids and not have to feel guilty or bad about it. I want to spend time with my parents and not feel guilty or bad about it. It sucks that it has taken us four years to realize this and it sucks that I am going to get divorced again. And, it really sucks because I do truly love him and thought that we had something magical.
Yeah, I kind of feel that way
Yeah, I kind of feel that way too. He says that is not the case but as he always says, actions not words. I feel like we will somehow make our way through our family vacation and then once we get back, I need to make plans to move out (even if its temporary). I don't know how long it will take to sell the house and move forward with all of that so cannot afford to just move out immediately but definitely need to leave to take some time on my own.
To me, it seems like your
To me, it seems like your family sees your husband for who he is and you see him for who you want him to be.
This doesn't seem like a healthy or stable relationship and everyone around you knows it.
I do not care what history
I do not care what history you have or how much you really think you dropped the ball. An emotionally mature man, no matter how resentful, is NOT going to act like a petulant child and try to give you paybacks when you can't spend time with him.
Even if you were obsessed and enmeshed with your children and neglecting him, an emotionally mature man would not use spite and petty paybacks to teach you a lesson. An emotionally mature man would communicate with you AND be able to spend time on his own.
This man does not sound like an emotionally mature man.
What you need is a man who has his own life and interests, and encourages you to spend time with family and friends, pursuing your goals and interests, while also letting you know when he needs to spend time with you.
has it occurred to you that
has it occurred to you that keeping you on the defense and continuously apologizing, is your spouse's way of controlling you? I know you've posted in the past and put the blame on your kids but have you considered that your husband keeps you on edge because it's how he controls you?
Wow. I'm not sure if that has
Wow. I'm not sure if that has occurred to me. But I will say that 95% of the time we have argued or had an issue, he is always the one bringing it up. What I mean by that is that he always seems to have an issue with something. Very rarely can we go long without something cropping up that he is bothered by. And I have told him so many times that I am frustrated that I am always the one that's wrong and is needing to apologize. He screws up, says sorry and I'm supposed to forget it happened. I screw up and I can apologize but he will hold on to it forever! He says it's because o don't address the problem and it keeps coming back up. Ahh!!