What should I say to BM?
Due to some early ugliness, I disengaged from BM a couple years ago.
1) We are extremely long-distance NCPs, so there's no need for frequent pick-up/drop-off interaction.
2) Any talking about SD15 should be between the bio-parents.
3) BM is a nasty, gossiping, backstabbing piece of work who I wouldn't be friends with, EVER.
Apparently, this is now BM's biggest complaint about me - how can she tell if I'm okay for HER daughter to be around if I won't talk to BM? I could understand her concern if SD were a small child, or if I were VERY new, AND DH had a history of bringing skanks around SD, but I've been in the picture for over 5 years; SD is 15 now. So I just ignore BM entirely; SD15 and I have a great relationship.
Unfortunately, I may have to interact with BM tomorrow.
DH is graduating from the US Army Sergeants Major Academy today, and will begin the 1800-mile drive home tomorrow. I am flying home, but we scheduled it so I would meet SD15 at the airport in Atlanta and sit next to each other on the final leg. On Sunday, I'm taking SD15 to an academic camp. DH doesn't get home until Monday or Tuesday, so it's just SD15 and me this weekend.
I'm going to HAVE to let SD15 use my phone to call BM. Hopefully, she won't want to talk to me, but that's a slim hope. She'll probably have 50 million questions about camp that I won't have the answers for, and she'll probably try to kiss my ass and be all fakey-friendly. I don't want that. She hates me, and I just wish she'd quit saying nasty crap about me behind my back. Hearing her stupid hick up-speaking voice is going to make me want to puke anyway.
So what do I say to her? I want to confront her on her nastiness - or at least tell her that I'm not stupid and she's made it plain that she hates me, so let's just be adults and talk about SD15. At this point, BM having my phone number is not entirely a bad thing; we're starting to gather evidence for a REALLY nasty custody battle, and since I will NEVER answer the phone if it's her, all crazy screaming insanity will be recorded on voicemail.
I know the mature thing to do is just let her be pathetic, but seriously, does she think that telling me I'm awesome will make me forget the times she's told HER 7 YR OLD that I'm going to hell, or called me "unnatural" or told DH that I'm a slut who's cheating on him, or told SD15 that I'm not important in her life? Does she really think that she can say a couple of nice things she doesn't mean and then I'll open up so she can stab me in the back?
I don't want to talk to her. But I have to. If I piss her off, she'll just run to DH, and he's already alerted not to answer the phone that day.
Talk me down ladies. Or post what you'd REALLY like to say to BM, but can't, in the name of "keeping the peace" or "not rocking the boat."
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Comments
In the light of what you say,
In the light of what you say, ie that you never normally answer the phone to BM, I don't really understand why you feel compelled to talk to her just because SD is using your phone to call her. If your DH has already been briefed that she may try and complain about you to him, and is not going to respond, it seems that you have all areas covered.
If SD hands you the phone to speak to BM, I would be inclined to say, "sorry, I can't talk to you now" and put the phone down. Does SD understand how strained things are between you? If not, she is old enough to be told that things have become very difficult between you and you don't really wish to talk to her mother at the current time.
I am in a similar position to you - SDs 14 & 16 and I NEVER speak to BM, ever. I would not consent to answer any questions about the camp, that's your DH's business, to deal with her. Hold firm to your decision to disengage and don't let her try to manipulate you into engaging with her again.
The only reason I feel
The only reason I feel obligated to talk to BM is because DH will not be in the area. BM certainly has the right to speak to the responsible adult in charge of her daughter. This is the first time in 5 years that I will be "in charge" of SD15 for more than the hour or so between her day camp and when he gets home from work.
I swear, BM hasn't realized that SD is 15, not 5. Her parenting is very dictatorial, and she TOOK A BELT to SD15 for something that a 5-yr-old would get a time-out or spanking for. (both kids denied eating junk food, both kids got beaten) So she's going to be super-"concerned" about how to contact SD15. Thing is, there won't be a way for any of us to contact her, and she doesn't have a cell phone. (BM's choice) I think it will be good for SD15 to GET AWAY from EVERYBODY she knows for 12 days, and I told her that we wouldn't be upset if we didn't hear from her the entire time.
SD15 knows her mother and I don't see eye-to-eye. Despite my non-contact, SD15 has heard enough rants about me that she knows her mother hates me. I have (mostly) taken the high road by telling her, "SD15, there's nothing that obligates me to form a relationship with your mother, and I just don't want to talk to her." Her response: "I don't blame you!" At the same time, DH and I emphasize that my relationship with SD15 is between her and I - it will change and grow as the years go by. I love her and want her to grow up to be an awesome adult, she's well on her way.
DH is on board with me reminding SD15 that I don't talk to her mom - SD15 is free to use my phone for the 24 hours she will be with me, and she'll have phone cards for the pay phone once she's there.
I just wouldn't talk to her.
I just wouldn't talk to her. You dont have to. Your not obligated to talk to her because your DH isn't there. Your DH as the parent has the right to leave his child with a reasonable adult when she is on his time and he is not avail. (unless there is a CO that states otherwise) If BM has questions regarding this arrangement she can take those questions to your DH. I wouldn't talk to her. If SD tries to hand you the phone just tell shake your head no, smile, and walk away.
I would agree not to talk to
I would agree not to talk to her, BUT! Enough is enough sometime.....sometime especially after years of BM crap you just have to stoop to her level that ONE time and tell her just were to get off! But dont make it just some plain old rant....Make sure you have plenty of (private dirt) on her to make her feel like slime under a rock, She would be stunned, because 1) she is use to you (taking the high road) and not saying anything while although it makes her look stupid, she gets to say whatever she wants and feel good while doing it! 2) she would be so surprised you know the info she just might stand there with a blank look on her face trying to gather her thoughts/comeback....BUT after you throw her own dirty laundry at her, dont stick around and go back and forth, say your piece and walk away and then she will feel really humiliated! You didnt even give her a chance to rebutle.... AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN! But at least she now knows that you can come out punching if she keeps putting you in a corner, instead of falling to the floor and rolling into a little ball saying Im the adult...Im the adult...
I completely agree with
I completely agree with this!!