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Update - DH gave SD15 the option to leave

ksmom14's picture

So after some talks DH learned from BM that SD15 acts the same way at her home. Sounds like BM actually comes down on SD15 more than we ever have for it.

convo between DH and SD15:

DH: have you put some thought into what you want

SD15: it's no my choice it's BM's

DH: so if you got to choose you'd pick going to live with BM instead of just trying to be nice to us the 15 minutes a day you see us?

SD15: yup

DH: ok *then walked away

DH and BM talked and BM offered to let SD15 stay for a couple months to see how it goes. 

So I'm kind of releived that I don't have to deal with it for a while, but still it's bitter sweet for sure, I wish it could be better.

I think this situation will be the same as her with her advanced school. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side, then when she's actually given what she "wants" she'll realize how wrong she was and come crawling back. DH isn't easy to forgive so we'll see what happens. Whatever, good riddance, more time to focus on my littles.


CLove's picture

On all counts. She will change her mind and then it might be too late...

JRI's picture

We went thru this with my SD.  Back and forth between us and BM.  I cant think how many times.  Then when she would split from a husband, same thing.  I think she really preferred BM because that was her mother but also BM was much more lenient and had a sneaky party life going on herself.  I now realize we were all wrong to condone this, it kept SD from experiencing any consequences from not getting along with an authority figure.  Even if I had known that back then, I was so relieved when she left I would probably have thought, whatever..

CLove's picture

This is what I called Feral Forger Sd21. Back when she was a minor and living between the households, if something didnt work out in one she would up and just leave to go to the other one. Taught her that consequences only exist for OTHER people, never her.

She continues this process today, by floating between her mothers house and whatever "friend" will take her in. She always leaves her stuff behind because thats her MO - it allows her a foothold back in if she wants.

Harry's picture

You can do anything about SD playing one side against the other.  If SD goes back to BM. Change the locks and don't let her back in.  She made her choice She has to live with it.  Ifs going to be all your fault in the end anyway.  So better not doing anything for her and that being your fault 

justmakingthebest's picture

Earlier on when my kids were younger they would throw out the occasional "I want to live with my dad" when they got in trouble. Every time my response would be fine. You are welcome to go live with you father but I am going to make this crystal clear-- You will not go there and decide you want to live here again. This will be permanent. You will see me on the schedule you see him if you want to do this. Let me know in the morning what you want to and we will talk to your dad if you want to still move. Every time they would say they were just mad at me but wanted to keep things they way they are. 

Your SD is 16, she makes you miserable, she is cruel to your daughter, she isn't kind to her own father. Why are you even giving her the option of coming back or a trial run. She keeps getting to change her mind- where she lives, what school she attends- stop giving her that power. She wants to move, fine. Visitation will be followed with every other weekend (or whatever you guys decide) but there is not coming back to live with you. Not in 3 months, not in 3 years. NOT AGAIN, period end of statement. 

ksmom14's picture

So the way DH left it with BM is that SD15 is staying put for a while, no visitation. SD15 gets to decide when she wants to come back and see us, and once she decides that BM with let DH know and they'll talk to see if SD15 has improved at all and has figured out how to be a nice person. BM is going to be out of town a couplde days in mid september so she asked that SD15 stay with us then, but other than that there are no plans on when we'll see her.

Again, I don't know how I feel about all this, I've cried a lot....I've tried really hard to be a good person to her and I just feel brushed aside and worthless. I know I should just let it go, and I know that once she's actually out the door (this afternoon) I'll start feeling a lot better. I am looking forward to the cloud of her attitude being lifted from my home, but I just wish it didn't have to be in this way.

tog redux's picture

I agree with JMTB - if she decides to go to BM's, that's it - she will not move back to your home permanently again. Do not give a kid like this the power to keep moving back and forth between homes. 

Don't take it personally, she's 15, it's what they do. 

justmakingthebest's picture

IMHO- I would not let her decide vistation. She is a teenager. Teenagers are a$$holes by nature. There needs to be a regular visitation plan. Otherwise in her mind her dad abandoned her (even though she chose to leave) because he didn't care enought to fight for her. Blah, blah, blad -- Daddy issues and you are a Grandma in a year. 

He still needs to be active in her life, but she can't manipulate back and forth between the parents. She will have to live with the consequence of moving out to her mom's but her dad still loves her and will continue to be her dad.

ksmom14's picture

I agree with you that it's a bad idea to let her just decide when to come visit. Honestly I know DH just doesn't care at this point, he can be a very unforgiving person, and even though it's his own daughter, he's basically done trying. He'll be here if she wants to have a relationship, but he's not happy with the way she's been treating us and he's totally over it. 

futurobrillante99's picture

"I've tried really hard to be a good person to her and I just feel brushed aside and worthless."

Man, I know that has to hurt and I'm not good at sharing space with someone in a foul mood, myself. I'm working on insulating myself from the moods and attitudes of others so it doesn't erode my sense of self-worth. ((hugs))

ksmom14's picture

SD15 get's kind of a free pass if you will for this year....

Since she is enrolled in her accelerated high school, that seems to be the only reason she has wanted to stay with DH and I. BM is not able to get SD15 to and from school every day, so that's why she's lived primarily with us. 

With COVID this school year is now 100% virtual so she doesn't really have to pick a house with school in consideration since she can do it anywhere. Next year she'll have to decide between living with us to go to her specialized high school, or living with BM and going to the regular HS in her area. Hopefully she does a lot of growing up in a year....time will tell I suppose.