Does Steplife ever make you think about your first marriage?
I know there are some on here who were in abusive relationships or where there was cheating, or another type of dealbreaker. But for those who didn't , do you ever find yourself longing for your nuclear family back?
My ex is a good guy, great dad. We fought about the normal stuff, housework, money, etc. But overall it wasn't a horrible marriage. I met him when I was 21, we married in 9 months time. It was quick but we started a life together, had 3 kids. We were together 12 years. At the time we split there were some issues. He wanted counseling and I refused. I was thinking there had to be more than this. I was a depressed stay at home mom overwhelmed with life. Now, three years later I have a job I love, the kids are getting older and easier in some ways. It's Steplife that's bringing me down. I have anxiety every weekend, I started meds not long ago. My blood pressure is high. SO and I see a counselor to work on skid and BM issues. I'm stressed all the time and I can't believe the crap I deal with. My SD14 is an entitled spoiled person just like her mother. I have the skids on weekends because that's the only time my SO can have them here and he works. I feel resentment often.
When I have something to do that involves my ex I feel relaxed. We took the kids trick or treating this year. I cleared that it was fine with my SO before I went and invited him too of course. He didn't want to come. We had a good time, trick or treated in my parent's development. When I was leaving my mom commented that the two of us are completely different people when we are together versus when she sees us separately. At first I was insulted but when I thought about it I'm more relaxed around my ex H than my SO. I'm always worried about my SO being comfortable, does he need a drink, did I make sure I thanked him for making dinner, etc. He's the wanting credit type. On the flip side my ex made sure to take care of me. I didn't have to bug him to do stuff around the house, he was the one making sure I had a drink or served my food first before his. Just little things I notice.
Anyway, didn't mean for this to be a novel. Just at times I wonder what would be now if I had stayed. I wouldn't have all this life experience with steplife to put it in perspective. Idk, I love my SO, really do. He comes with a lot of baggage outside of skids and BM. I wonder if I can be happy living this life for the next 30+ years.
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I was never married, but
I was never married, but sometimes it does make me think back to past relationships. I love my skids and my relationship with BM1 is good (not BM2) but it is still complicated balancing all of these people and the time and money.
I long for the days when my ex and I would drink and dance and stay out until 2 and make drunken pasta and then sleep until noon. He was so FUN. He broke my heart, and if we ended up together it would not have worked, but I still miss having no responsibility sometimes! Things were so easy, whereas there are so many more challenges with steplife.
Granted, I was also 21 then...
Ahhhh carefree days. I don't
Ahhhh carefree days. I don't think I ever had those. Lol I married at 21, had my first child at 22. *sigh* Not that I regret it whatsoever but I will be making travel plans when they are all grown. Looking forward to that "me" time when it comes time.
I'm with you. I don't have
I'm with you. I don't have any kids, so I do miss the care free days with my EX. Sleeping in, just going out to dinner and enjoying each other. I think I miss the life style I had but not really my EX. He was very controlling.
Oh dog no. Even in the worst
Oh dog no. Even in the worst days, stephell didn't make me long for my ex.
^^ this!
I feel the same, I miss the
I feel the same, I miss the times spent with family not my ExH.
I dont miss my ex or our
I dont miss my ex or our relationship as he was a cheater, liar and abusive alcoholic. We were never "in love". We didnt work as a couple.
But we did work REALLY well as a family. He loves BS and loves to spend time with him and do family things. DH- not so much.
I miss having a partner that cares as much about my BS as I do. Someone I can share all the exciting things a parent goes through. Now when BS wins a wrestling tournament, DH barely grunts a "good job". I always text Ex to let him know the accomplishments of BS but I would love to share that joy feeling with someone. Ex is the only other person who is going to feel the same way I do about our BS.
I liked Ex's family for the most part. They are self- sufficient, hard working people. With DH's family it feels like someone always NEEDS something from us. It's exhausting. With Ex's family I felt like I had a place with them, while with DH's family I do not.
And obviously all the skid/BM drama I could do without.
Mine and BS's life is 100x better now that I am not with Ex. But there are some things that I miss.
Yes, to so much of this. I
Yes, to so much of this. I miss having the other parent in the house with me to recognize the kids and talk about them. The person who jumps in to help because it's their kid too. Sometimes I feel like a single mom even though I live with my SO. I miss having the other parent around.
And I can totally relate to the family thing. I don't think I'll ever be completely accepted by some of SO's family. I'm just the second rate replacement.
I text ex and he texts me about things to do with the kids. If they have projects to do, schedules for activities, etc. We're both very involved. SO gets irritated by this at times and I'm like this is the other person who is invested in these little people. Of course we have to talk! Ugh, just tired of trying so hard and things being so complicated all the time.
I'm a married single mom.
I'm a married single mom. LOL. I do everything for BS. DH rarely helps with anything. He is a very hands off father anyways..... My Ex is the complete opposite of how DH is as a dad.
My ex was a meth addict and I
My ex was a meth addict and I sometimes think instead of step hell I could have changed him if I tried had enough.
He was once a good dad and provider but once he got on the shit he was a totally different
person and he eventually fried his brain (he's not the same anymore.)
I wish he wouldn't have done that to our family and I know if we were together to raise our kids together my oldest son wouldn't have been such an asshole. ODS16 did not do well is step hell.
Yup, pretty much how it went.
Yup, pretty much how it went. I thought things were so bad but really they weren't. It's the whole hindsight is 20/20 thing. And some of the issues have resolved themselves over the last few years. My ex told me recently that his life was better with me in it. That he still loves me and misses our family and he can see I'm unhappy with how my life is now. I'm really struggling and don't know how to sort out my feelings.
Step Hell is a whole other
Step Hell is a whole other set of problems. Much of them way worse than what we had or could have even imagined.
Yes. But I wasn't happy then.
Yes. But I wasn't happy then. It was a lot easier to have my family together. I miss my ex's friendship but as husband and wife - we did not fit. But life was simpler. I'm still happier with DH. I do feel the need to tell people to try every possible resource now to avoid divorce now that I know about steplife.
Haven't dreamt of 1st
Haven't dreamt of 1st marriage of compulsive gambling crazy, o hell no. But I occasionally dream of single days. No non stop teen chatter or vicious sibling bullying or exhausting meal planning for picky kids or endless venting about BM. Ahhhhhhh..... *closes eyes* Possibly a beatific smile on my face right now....