I'm at my moms, it was hard but I left
If you want to catch up see my last blog.
Last night was so difficult. I told him I didn't even want to argue back and forth, that we're just not cut out to be together for the long haul. He's failed me so many times by not supporting me emotionally. I didn't really even bring the kids into it, he's been so cold and distant to me on multiple occasions since this summer when I needed him to hold me and say it would be okay. When I needed him to jump in a bit and help me. I did tell him that I want a partner who has my back and that he hasn't shown that with the kids and ex. He's made some changes but its not enough.
I can't go on like this, I'm so exhausted. I said I needed a partner who was my rock when I needed them, not one who would turn away. I'm always there for him when he's stressed about his job. Always there for his emotional needs. Always jumping in to help with his kids. And he can't do the same.
He begged me to stay. He said he could change, he wants to change because he loves me more than anything. I told him I've heard it too many times. He asked me to just stay the night and if I still wanted to leave the next day then I could. I almost wavered but knew if I didn't go then I'd be sucked back in. Because I do love him.
The hardest thing was leaving him standing there crying but I grabbed a few necessities and hauled ass to my parent's house before I changed my mind. We broke up last year and he talked me back. Not this time, I have to stay gone.
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Well done you! I am so glad
Well done you! I am so glad you've posted, I was thinking about you last night.
It is hard to take the step and cut the chord but you know you've done the right thing. Ofcourse he begged you to stay, they always do, they make promises, but as you know from the last time even when he makes an effort and changes things, its not enough for you.
Now you need to make sure you keep gone, do not allow him to contact you. Arrange for when to empty your stuff from the house and cut all contact, change your number if need be.
Stay strong!
I would say... spend 6 months
I would say... spend 6 months apart. HE works on himself, you work on yourself. And then see what happens. He will either move on (or you will)or he will realise he has to change and tweak his life to make it right for you. And draw up a list of boundaries. Mine starts with "Never be romantically involved with a smoker". But that is just me. I have never added things like "$1000 or more spent on me for Christmas and B/Day" but rather "Respect my birthday as MY day and unless someone close is in a coma it is all about me. Dinner can be a frozen pizza u5t I get the remote."
Just read your last blog. If
Just read your last blog. If you go back to a husband, go back to the first one. Sounds like he's available. What you described on that one sounded quite nice. Sounds like you have grown a lot since then and can look at that situation with new eyes.
You already left your current DH once and he still couldn't manage to take a seat at the grown up table -- literally. Your DH may be a very good man, but he has some deep depression or something that you can't fix. He's just taking you down with him.
The current guy is a
The current guy is a boyfriend, we're not married, just living together which makes things slightly less complicated. My first DH and I were married 11 years. A lot of the issues we had at the end have resolved themselves naturally with the split and time. We've been separated 4 years and technically our divorce isn't final, we haven't signed the last papers so they could be filed with the court. It doesn't feel right to sign them, I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.
He's suggested counseling for us to see if we want to make it work. We never did that when we split. He's a good man and a good father and I'm seeing him in a different light after being out there so to speak for a while now. I've seen what I'm capable of too, living on my own with my kids, household responsibilities, I've started my own business which has become successful. I feel like I know who I am better now that those things have happened. I met my first dh when I was 21, there's been a lot of growing and changing since then for me for sure. Life is crazy, that I'm certain of.
I just want peace. A calm house, a man who respects me, family time. Just normal stuff, not all this stress that comes along with being with someone who always puts themselves first and their ex wife above me. I can't do it anymore, I'm exhausted. I need some calm in my life and so do my kids, they deserve that.
If she really hated him, she
If she really hated him, she would have no trouble signing the divorce papers.
Look, she said she had a moment of weakness in re going back to Mr. Step Issues. All I said was IF you are going to go back to somebody, don't pick this one.
In her last blog she talked about how great Mr. Husband of Her Youth treated her, how great he still treats her, and how she didn't even bother with counseling the first time round.
It's true she can thrive in life without a man. Anybody can. Fish, bicycles. All that. Have I said it enough? Table for one, I'll pick up my own damn check. OK. Now. Can we also say it's ok to enjoy feeling loved by a partner? I know a couple who remarried each other and they didn't even have children. It worked out fine.
She can do whatever she wants. Including admit she got a look at the big world and discovered her favorite person has been there all along. If she wants.
Wait a minute. You're
Wait a minute. You're holding onto one man(your husband), yet you're upset because your other man (your boyfriend) won't put you first. He would be a fool to mwke you a priority while henis just an option to you.
I haven't been holding onto
I haven't been holding onto my husband in any sense other than legally. There hasn't been any cheating. We've been coparenting well and have a good relationship in that sense. I haven't been holding a flame for him but in the recent past I've been evaluating what I want for my future, realizing that a lot of the issues dh and I had are no more. The divorce has been held up for years due to attorneys. The final papers came in a few weeks ago. It really put things in perspective for me in some way. It's hard to explain.
Right now I'll be staying with my parents, my kids will have a stable place with both their parents and if my ex and I definitely decide on counseling and exploring things once the dust settles it will be without the kids knowing until we were completely certain we were committed. It'll be a while before that happens, there are many things to figure out first.
RUN FREE!!!!!
RUN FREE!!!!!
Good for you. Do whats best
Good for you. Do whats best for YOU. I wish I could get the courage to leave too. I will at some point. Moving just seems so hard...and separating our things.
Missing something here. OP is
Missing something here. OP is still married. Doesn't bother to work on previous relationship. Doesn't bother to tidy up the last mess made after several years. Started a new relationship ricocheting around with children affected.
I'm not joining the cheer-leading sideline. My vote is for OP to release both men and get to some serious solo counseling !
Yes, you are missing
Yes, you are missing something. My life is not what you've alluded to here. And I've been in solo counseling for two years, have done a lot of hard work, identifying my flaws, my strengths, what goals I have for my life, what I have to be grateful for. It's been an eye opener for me in a lot of ways and enlightening to work on myself.
THIS
THIS
Has everyone here waited
Has everyone here waited until their divorces were final to date? I know a lot of people who's divorces have taken years to finalize. I've been separated and living apart from my ex for almost 4 years. But I'm being made out to be the bad guy for entering into another relationship? Please, I know I've done nothing wrong here. If I were a very religious person I could see it in that sense but it's not the case.
No, I did not wait. The law
No, I did not wait. The law and the paperwork can fall far behind emotions. My first husband had actually moved to the opposite coast well before our divorce went through. I did start to date and I imagine he did, too, since he was married to somebody else 18 months later. There's that transitional bit where you're first leaving and you have relapses. But that phase does come to an end. I was well and truly done with him and that marriage long before the final papers were signed.
And for the record, I am the guilty party in this thread. OP did not start talking about her ex husband until I suggested he was a better prospect than her current bf (or now ex).
People are allowed to grow and change as they go along in life. Really, they are. Sounds like she's doing a great job of just that. Pride would be the stupidest of all reasons to fail to reconcile with a good man. Reconciling may not be the right choice for this pair. But maybe it is. I would simply rather not see her reconcile with Mr. Step Issues.
You didn't do anything wrong
You didn't do anything wrong Chief!! You were offering helpful advice. It was other posters who twisted it into something sordid.
That's how it goes though, we put our lives out there in either RL or the web and there's bound to be different thinking and judgments. I'm good with that.
smiley face
smiley face
You say it doesn't feel right
You say it doesn't feel right to sign the divorce papers and you're sick to your stomach just thinking about it. :? That does not sound like someone who is ready to move on. Your posts sound like you are trying to decide which man you should hold onto to. No man (or woman) deserves to be an option.
You can take it that way if
You can take it that way if you'd like. I've made a lot of choices that led me to this current situation, some good and some bad. Many, many factors involved like anyone else's life. I've put my all into the current relationship. I've been let down and treated poorly. Disappointed so much in the last few months. It's made me rethink prior choices. That's where I'm at, and it's ok with me.
Way to be strong and get out.
Way to be strong and get out. I agree that you now need time alone. If you think your marriage can be salvaged then I would proceed slow.. as if it was a new relationship. Go back to dating and move on from there. Get yourselves a good foundation. You have both 'grown up' a lot since you split and maybe things can work a second time. But even if you are legally married I think you need to take it slow.
This is good advice, thank
This is good advice, thank you. Slow is definitely all I can handle right now, my head is spinning. Once things chill out a bit we'll take it one small step at a time.
Oh my god you did it! what
Oh my god you did it! what courage! you did a great thing. I was anxious to see what happened. It must have taken some great strength to leave him crying like that. When my BF starts crying it kills me