You are here

Activities without skids.

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 12:36pm

Do you plan all activities for when the skids are with you? I know that we plan kid friendly things for when SD is with us but we also do alot of things with just BF and I. SD always whines about it and says its not fair. She thinks that we can't have any fun times unless she is home to enjoy it. This is even down to her favorite dinners. If she hears that we had something for dinner that she likes she gets pouty. I can see her point a little because she was the center of the world for BF before I came along. Now she has to share his attention and I don't want to be mean. But I sure the hell am not going to have a restriced activity or food list for when she is not home. BF just ignores her or says something like we do stuff when you are home or we had xyz for dinner last week when you were here.

While she and I were at the grocery store I picked up some goodies to make some Halloween treats to take to my DD's who are in college. We are going on an overnight stay this weekend. SD is with her mom but my BS will be home and going with us. We usually plan a trip to see the girls every couple of months or so. It has fallen on our weekends alone most of the time and we don't mind it one bit LOL. It is nice to get away with just us. SD gets pouty and says why do you always go when I am at my moms? I said it worked out that way because of the girls work schedules. Next time you can probably go with us just depends on everyone's schedules.

I can see her point of feeling excluded and don't know if I am handling it well or not. I just explain it point blank like I would if she was my kid. My sister tells me I am not sensitive enough. But on the flip side I think my sister coddles her kids and they are bratty LOL

Comments

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 12:49pm

If it was up to my SD's DH and I would sit around and stare at each other the entire time they are gone. They used to say " I can't believe you did X with us!" until I finally started saying back to them "But you went on vacation with your grandma without us, right?" I think they finally get it that life doesn't stop just because they are not around. It doesn't stop them from being jealous though. It might have something to do with the fact that DH worked round the clock when he was married to BM because he hated coming home to her so much and now he is home all the time.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 12:49pm

We just live life and if it lands on a skid weekend then they go. Sometimes we do plan things for the skids like when mil comes up as she lives 3 hours away so she can see them. But she still comes up to us sometimes when we don't have them. it is just that we live our lives not so much that we live our lives around the skids.

You can't live your life just around the skids. Tell them that they don't put their life on hold while they are at their moms so why do they expect you to put your life on hold? Just keep explaining it to them that life doesn't stop just b/c they are not at your house, better yet ask them if they stop doing fun things or eat the things they want or what ever it might be while they are at their moms? When they say no then ask them why do they expect you to do something they won't do themselves? Wink

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 1:05pm

Absolutely not. Why would we? I think most kids wish you would wait and do everything when they are with you, but that really isn't realistic.

My SO and I love adult time, we do a lot of outdoor, physical stuff when the kids are not here but sometime we just go and do what ever we want.

After taking BD30 to the airport Sunday we drove out to an Island about and hour away from us. Went through the shops, stopped at the local pub had a drink met some new "friends" watched a little football with them, ate out our favorite Spanish restaurant, walked on the beach and then went home. None of this would appeal to the skids it is adult time.

SD11 once said " you are going to do that" when we are not with you. I said sweetie you do things when you are at your moms and we are happy that you do. Your dad and I do things together when you are not here and remember we do things all the time when bd30 is not here. When we see each other again we will have a wonderful time like we always do.

This year crazo has the skids for Thanksgiving so we are going out of town to see my daughter and spending the holiday with her. Life goes on. With or with out the skids. Even without my BD who has moved away and has her own life.

It is just a different dynamic.

If we had kids together I can tell you I would not be waiting around for the skids to show up to be living my life.

You have good time together and apart. This is the life of a divorced family. I make no excuses for living and being happy.

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 1:22pm

Good I was feeling bad like I handled it wrong. My sister is a big pushover with her kids. She and her husband worship them and do everything for them. That was not how my sis and I were brought up and I parent completely different. So when she said I was being insensitive to SD's feelings I wanted to get some outside opinions.

I feel the same way BF and I have a life to live and we will do things when the kids are with us and when they are not. I am not going to live one way just to make sure that SD is not getting her feelings hurt.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 1:56pm

We did go through this some too. SD (not SS) would whine when we saw a movie already that she felt we should have waited for her to see. SO hasn't planned a family vacation and I don't plan them for everyone (not my funds and don't have access to his, so why would I make money decisions??) so when we went on vacation without skids, SD was mad. I totally understand that from her perspective, but that is on her father.

I don't feel super guilty because we do so much when they are with us that when we don't involve them in something it shouldn't be a big deal.

SO I think has gotten over most of his guilt about these things. He used to wait to see a movie or go somewhere, but now he does not. He says life can't stop just because they are at their mothers.

I'm lucky in that respect.

I think if you plan enough for when they are there, you can't do much about the activities you do when they aren't. Its ok. Life can't stop when they are at their mothers Smile