Over this past year of being a new stepmom I have learned a few things:

1. You can’t change other people (I can’t make their biological mom less crazy!)

2. I can’t do everything right, but I can do my best.

3. There are going to be conflicts between myself and my husband on the way to raise the kids and compromise is the solution.

4. Remember kids are just kids and when you go from none to 3 it is hard to keep that in mind sometimes.

5. No matter how negative kids can be remember they don’t come up with most of this stuff on their own and don’t take it to heart.

6. Little moments of happiness are the best. Unprompted expressions of love cannot be beat. (“You are the best stepmom ever!” Just because my SD felt like saying it!)

7. Marriage doesn’t make things easier and when you rely on it to make others less controlling you are going to be sad to discover that doesn’t work. (ex. His ex remarried and the crazy didn’t stop.)

8. Remember to spend time bonding with each child individually and help reinforce that bond. It is so important, especially when they aren’t here all the time.

9. Remember to spend time alone with your husband and concentrate on each other and the love that you share as a couple and as parents.

10. See yourself as important and valued. If you don’t neither will the kids or your husband.

11. Disengage if you have too in order to maintain sanity and your health. Don’t feel guilty if you need to back off a little to just balance yourself.

12. When it all feels like too much-sit down, close your eyes and breathe.

13. Is he worth it? If there is no question in your mind then you are doing well. I don’t doubt for a second my husband is worth every hurtful comment from his ex.

14. Their relationship is the past. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t worry if he wants her back and above all trust him. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot and drive him away by being overly insecure.

15. Always stay positive about the ex and their new spouse. This is especially important when they are hearing negativity from the other side. We always tell the kids how much their mom and stepdad love and miss them. Even when mom says how terrible I am and how their biological dad is now just their “fake” dad since he doesn’t live with them.

16. Teach the kids it is not ok to lie. Their biological mom constantly has them lie about things-from loose teeth to what she says to them on the phone. We have explained that we don’t tolerate lying and being honest with us keeps them safe and that one of our house rules is to be truthful. We can’t control what she does there, but we can emphasize that telling the truth is the right thing to do.

17. Set boundaries. Don’t let the ex control your relationship with your husband. I don’t tolerate her snide comments about their past relationship, my current relationship or her new one with her new husband. She knows we will only speak to her about the children, period.

18. Love your husband. Make sure he knows it and make sure he knows you love the kids.

19. Don’t make every day a holiday at your house. Yes they are visiting and don’t live there on an everyday basis, but make it feel like home, not a vacation. Don’t fall into the guilty parent trap by spending every penny you have on toys, dinners and trips. Let them feel like this is their other “normal” home. They want that security and to feel like they are visiting their home, not dad’s house.

20. Give them chores. Make them feel like a vital part of your family. Our kids are young so their chores are cleaning up their room and making their beds. The youngest one even helps. It isn’t a lot, but it shows them you feel there are capable and that their help is important to you.

21. Laugh. Don’t get caught up in constantly trying to “be the perfect parent.” Enjoy life. Play in the rain, get dirty, have fun.

22. Don’t panic if they call you their “other mom.” I was scared the first time I heard it because I was afraid of the backlash from their biological mom. They still call me by my first name, but think of me in a “mom-like” capacity. I can’t be doing everything wrong then right? If she doesn’t like it I understand, but it is unprompted and I’m not going to say “I’m not your other mom, because I AM their stepmom.”

23. Quash any resentment. I found myself resenting my husband when the kids would come visit because I felt like I didn’t belong and he didn’t give a damn. To be honest, he just misses his kids and he still loves me just as much as he did when they weren’t here. I was just being stupid and insecure. Reinforce those bonds and never make him feel guilty for spending time with the kids.

24. Relax. No one expects you to be perfect. You can’t be perfect so don’t try. Remember you only live once to love every second you are here!

25. Repeat: I am a good stepmom. I am a good stepmom. I am a good stepmom. I am a good wife. I am a good wife. I am a good wife. I am a good person. I am a good person. I am a good person. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.