New Marriage/Trust Issues/ SD Issues
Just a little advice. Things are getting really stressful in my house. I'll try to summarize really quick.
Husband and I built house 3 years ago. He put all hte money into the house.. big down payment. I didnt put anything down, didnt have much. We moved into the hosue day 2 together with him, SD, my daughter and me.
After we got engaged, we agreed putting my name on the house as I contribute to the house bills. since we got married, SD has made everything much more difficult, husband REFUSES to put my name on the house.. HE REFUSES to agree for both of us to put soem sort of savings into a joint account.
When I ask him aobut putting my hame on the house, he gets defensive, says that "I can't accept him or his daughter, why would I put your name on the house if you're just going to walk away from us"... WTF!!! Yes, things are stressful. But it's even more stressful knowing that 1. the house is not mine, at all. 2. I have NO IMPUT on the house rules for his daughter (She has no rules, she is 12). My 4 year old has RULES and is RESPECTFUL!!!!.
I feel like I have no voice in that house.. I feel like nothing is "joined" in our marriage. I was going to buy a townhome before we got engaged, but he told me not to. Now I am regretting it because I have NO STABILITY!
His first wife was on the house, he supported her .. she stayed home with their kid.. until she cheated on him and took him for all he had.
I feel like I was better off financially, emotionally, ect before we got married. I love him soooo much, but the fact he doesnt want to build a life together (he is 10yrs older than me)...Ive never been married before, thought i got married for the RIGHT REASONS,.. now it's a slap in the face. 7 months married and i want to leave.
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His first wife was on the
His first wife was on the house, he supported her .. she stayed home with their kid.. until she cheated on him and took him for all he had.
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I think this sums up his reluctance to put you on the house right here. While I'm not condoning his behavior, it is understandable.. once bitten, twice shy right? with that being said it is not fair of him to punish you for behaviors of his ex. I would explain to him that you feel disjointed in your marraige and that you are supposed to be a team. He is basically saying he does not trust you and that's not fair.
I really don't understand it.
I really don't understand it. If he didnt believe in US.. or trust me.. why marry me? Why put everyone through this crap? Why did he want to get married in the first place? He wants EVERYTHING SEPARATE..
He pressures me to have a relationship wiht his daughter.. who is so disrespectful, and I have nothing in common with her. She acts and dresses like a boy. She rides her skateboard around the neighborhood and throw pop-rocks at peoples windows. REALLY??
amazing.. I get scared reading all of these blogs... I dont want to feel the same way in 10 years!!!! I wanted to have kids with my husband .. but now that we are married.. NO WAY! Its sad
I guess the best thing i can do is, save up money and be strategic. Once i have the money.. I'll move out. done.
There are a lot of "roving
There are a lot of "roving men with children" out there who got shafted by the BM and now are out to "exact their revenge" upon women in general.
They are looking for:
1. free maid service
2. free childcare services
3. free financial support (for THEIR children and to float outrageously high CS debts)
4. free housing, food, clothing, utilities, bill paying, laundry service, legal/secretary services, and of course regular nookie.
They lure them in with charm and tell them that THEY will be number one in their lives. Not so. Once they've hooked you, they bestow upon you 100% responsibility and 0% authority over "THEIR" child(ren). THen they are free to guilt parent to their hearts content.
IT really is sad what you are
IT really is sad what you are going through. My husband is pressuring me as well to have a relationship with his daughter. I don't trust her. I don't like her, and she knows this. I am not saying I don't love her, but I really can't trust her. She has a HORRIBLE attitude and right now, I just choose to not be around her.
It's difficult and shameful when he can't add you to the house. Like another person said, don't pay any bills.
While I do understand he is
While I do understand he is the way he is.. because he got burned the first time he got married. but he WONT ADMIT to that. He says he just has a lot more money now? but obviously it's a trust issue with him. The sad thing is... It's not about "the money"... it's the principle. Even if he put my name on the house.. I'm not entitled to any down payment in the house.. that's not a marital asset.. we dont live in a community property state.. or whatever it's called. All I would EVER get was appreciation of the house.. which is nothing! he just doesnt get it. Here i thought we were building a life TOGETHER.. but he wants everything separate.
I dont hate his daughter. She is very disrespectful, and I dont enjoy being around her a whole lot. But I do nice things for her. I have tried taking her to the grocerty store for me, but stopped after she tried to hide Red Bull in my shopping cart after I told her NO!. She was like "my mom said i could have one.. just one a day". WTF! A 12 yr old girl drinking red bull? I wouldnt doubt her mom said yes,.. but I would never allow it. So I took it out and she pouted.
SD is the way she is because her dad ALLOWS her. I have no authority in the house.. so I can say much. If I see her breaking a rule - and i tell him, he just ignores it. He is not CONSISTANT with discipline.
Oh well, time will tell... I am this frustrated after 7 months.. i can't imagine a YEAR!
Oh and the other day he said
Oh and the other day he said "I married my first wife cause she got pregnant, I married you for the right reasons.. because I love you". WTF.. so you put your first wifes name on the house.. who you just "got pregnant".. but you married me cause you love me.. but dont trust me? it's like talking in circles with him..
DO NOT LAY DOWN & TAKE THIS
DO NOT LAY DOWN & TAKE THIS FOR ANOTHER DAY! I would go talk with a legal advisor or a lawyer to see what you can do to even the score. Tell your husband you are doing this because you need to watch out for your own future, since he is clearly only worried about his own at this point. Let him go with you if he wishes. Maybe he will learn a few things to help him understand you couldn't be expected to invest in his equity & walk away with nothing should a divorce happen. (Maybe he'll see how one sided he is being!) You need to be able to build assets in your life as well. So in your case you need to get creative. Can you afford to purchase a townhouse and rent it out? Maybe this would even the score & you both could put down your guard & get on with your life! Have you considered counseling???
I might have a different
I might have a different perspective here but I think, especially if the relationship is somewhat rocky, it would be a blessing not to have financial entanglements.
The real estate insanity has hit my area so hard that I never want my name on another house again. Think about it... your name on the house means YOU are responsible for the mortgage debt! If you got this house 3 years ago you've got to be upside down on it, right??
Joint bank accounts are great, if you can completely trust the other person to never spend money that he's not supposed to, and if you aren't worried about him someday emptying it or using it for a bill that was an "emergency".
I think you are lucky to have yourself clear of financial hassles. As for bills you could split up the bills and pay them either half and half, or proportionately, based on each of your incomes. DH and I did that at the beginning, I calculated his income (BEFORE CS was taken out) and compared it to my income, and came up with him paying a certain % of bills, and me paying the rest.
I'd keep your finances as separate as possible, if you are feeling unsure about other things in the relationship.
Hope it gets better.