I'm done listening to lies in front of me
Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and super uncomfortable, but I just couldn't stay silent and disengage with the stupidity going on in front of me.
SS14 has to get his teachers to sign a sheet of paper everyday showing that he did his assignments/homework for the day. The reason for this is so DH knows if he's actually doing his assignments without having to deal with SS's lies and it leaves the responsibility on SS, rather than on DH or his teachers. His teachers and DH decided this after holding a meeting at school to figure out how to deal with SS's "learning disabilities." This was all suggested by SS’s new therapist. Actually, the therapist and DH suggested that all of SS’s teachers email DH what SS’s homework and classwork assignments are everyday. I’m glad that the teachers decided to not go with that suggestion as they already don’t get paid enough to have to individually deal with helicopter parents and their kids everyday.
SS has not been getting the signatures, so DH had been taking away his screens. Then, SS decided to complain to the therapist about losing his screens and being depressed, so she said that he should no longer lose his screens. He should earn screen time but get chores as negative consequences. I really don't understand this at all.
Anyway, SS lied the day before yesterday. He forged all of his teachers' signatures. His handwriting is horrid, so it was easy for DH to tell that he forged it. So, DH had him rake leaves as punishment. Then, yesterday, DH asks for the sheet, but did it in front of me and SS hands it to him again with forged teachers’ signatures. When called out on the obvious forgery, SS then proceeded to say that he signed it, but the teachers circled that he did his assignments.
Ok, right, SS. All the circles look the same. They weren’t circled by different teachers, they were all circled by you. It is ridiculously obvious. What a coincidence that none of your teachers signed the sheet and they all told you to. What a coincidence that all the circles are the same size and in the same light blue colored pen.
DH knows it too and for anyone else he would call them out on it. But, I seriously believe he’s trying to raise a delinquent. SS had a fit and was raising his voice that he wasn’t lying. But instead of pointing out the facts, DH gives him a chore for the forgery and tells him he has no proof that SS is lying about the other stuff, so he just has to believe him.
DH is such an idiot. And, he said this stupid sh*t in front of me. I’m disengaged, but I was pissed off. I raised my voice back and told SS he was lying about everything and it was obvious. Then, after SS went to his room, I told DH that it was absolutely dumb of him to take SS’s word as the truth and I don’t want to be pissed off hearing SS’s lies and DH’s not-so-great parenting, so in the future if he doesn’t want me to raise me voice at his child then he better do all of his talking to SS in SS’s bedroom because I can’t deal with it.
I know DH is an effing idiot when it comes to this kid. Before I disengaged, DH would tell me that I had to prove what SS was doing. I couldn’t rely on my instincts. That little sh*t was hitting my dog and binging and stealing food. Ugh. I can’t stand DH right now.
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Comments
How does anyone stand this
How does anyone stand this little asshole??? What balls, constant lying and forging? Just do the damn assignments! I would have snapped too. I don’t have tolerance for lying. Your DH should just plant SS’s butt at a table each night for 2 hours, and the only way he gets to leave is show proof that his homework is done.
On second thought, he should just keep doing what he’s doing. It’s like having a live-in maid!
Sounds like my house. I'm 33
Sounds like my house. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and the kids are 10 & 11 and no one is helping me clean despite it being part of their chores. But they will tell their dad that they did it and he will just take their word for it. Then when I get upset and say something about it he doesn't want to hear it from me I'm sick of them and I'm sick of him and if I left today, I wouldn't miss the kids one bit. Been with them for almost three years now and nothing has changed despite me being in therapy. Oh and I am throwing my own baby shower tomorrow, will they help me? Probably not. I certainly don't expect them to. I have to drive six hours straight to pick up my birth daughter and he never comes with me because of "the kids" or he has to work the next day. I'm probably going to give birth on the side of the road...
Sounds like you aren't really
Sounds like you aren't really disengaged, you are just watching and fuming on the sidelines. Just accept that DH is going to raise SS as he sees fit and if he wants to let him lie, that's not your problem. Shrug your shoulders and go read your book , or take a warm bath, or whatever makes you happy. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Repeat that to yourself whenever you feel like you want to jump in and give it to DH. Feel the weight lift off your shoulders.
Only set boundaries where it interferes with your enjoyment of life. Otherwise, don't even pay attention.
I get why you’re upset
You’re upset with DH and rightfully so. He looks like an idiot believing those lies, and no woman wants to be married to an idiot. It makes us feel unsafe. It’s fine that you spoke up to both of them. I call out people who lie in front of me... and I’d have a really hard time respecting my man if he fell for basic con jobs or didn’t have the parenting chops to discipline his kid. Either scenario would be too disappointing to stay quiet.
Just the fact
that DH would not believe you, a responsible adult with no reason to lie, when he personally wasn't there to see SS's misdeeds tells you everything you need to know. DH does not want to parent one iota nor does he want you to do it either. He'd rather believe that his loin dropping is practically perfect in every way and that things will just work out on autopilot.
You are now the eeeeeeevvvvviiiil SM that believes children should be parented. That scenario calls for complete disengagement with anything to do with SS good or bad. Do not be surprised if DH suddenly goes on a parenting binge toward the new baby and holds SS's half younger sibling to much, much higher standards while SS becomes a juvenile delinquent.
Thanks for all the responses.
Thanks for all the responses. I know I'm terrible at fully disengaging even though I know I have to for my own sanity. I want to be oblivious, so I'm not angry and want to reengage to get my point across. But, it's so hard when the lies and disrespect is right in front of me.
I'm glad that I told DH that his conversations with SS have to be away from me. I also laid more out to him this morning. I explained that I know SS is hard to deal with and that I'm not going to help, but I also don't want to listen or watch him parent SS in a way that I would never allow for my own kids. I told him that I couldn't imagine forging my teachers' signatures and if I did, merely getting a dinky consequence for it. I said I couldn't imagine trying to do that sh*t multiple times with my parents. DH said he understood, that he couldn't imagine doing it, but he was at a loss. If he punished SS the way he wanted to, SS would never have anything because he can't control his impulses and would just continue to do the same thing. I told him that I can't really think of any more suggestions to help him handle SS, so he just has to know that I never want SS around and I'm just waiting for our 4 years to be up, so he can go to college or wherever, but not live with us.
I told him that I was impressed that BM was able to find a ton of boyfriends who would take her kids during her time, but he could never expect that from me. (I think it's different though. I don't think BM's boyfriends do any discipline and she rotates them so much that they probably don't have enough time to get sick of the skids) I told him that I will never parent SS or even be alone with him for an extended period of time due to all of SS's issues, that it was too much of a risk for me.
DH also said that he was going to have all of his conversations with SS away from me. He said that no one was liking his parenting (apparently, BM was emailing him a bunch this morning because she thinks he's not doing enough. I think that's a laugh as BM has no time for SS, has DH to do the work, but enjoys criticizing DH - sort of like what I'm doing). He said that he feels the way I do, more than I know. He said he also is relieved when SS leaves our home for the week. He said that he doesn't want to be negative with SS all the time, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt and always sandwiches a criticism between two positive things to say to SS.
So, at least, I won't have to hear the stupidity in front of me, but I don't know if I will be able to deal with the dual standards. DS3 is held to much higher standards than SS, even at his young age. In order not to be constantly pissed off, our kids and his kid cannot spend time together. DH will scold DS or I will tell DS not to do something and make him apologize and then I'll look at SS's reaction and it's not a face of satisfied vindication for a brother he can't stand, it's just this look of dumbness - like he doesn't recognize discipline. Another example - both SS and SD18 were shocked that I had DS clean up after himself after a meal. SD then said something to DH about having chores at a young age, but DH actually called her on it - she and SS never had a single chore until she was about 11 or 12. SD is actually much better at helping out. Now, that I'm super pregnant, she will always ask me what I need when she visits us. Maybe there's hope for SS, but I never had to deal with anything with SD the way we deal with SS. I have zero hope for him. I just want him out of my sight.