I’m a bubbling cauldron of resentment these days.

I’ve been reading my old blog entries, which has been both making me more resentful by bringing up past feelings and making it clear to me that the past just keeps repeating itself in different ways. Things may be better now than before, but my tolerance level for it has gone down. This is really just a long rant for myself to process, read, and remember. So, I'm sorry that it's long and rambling.

I’m not going to go into all the details of the latest incident which happened a few days ago. It was minor, but enough for me to engage. I felt like DH was being wishy-washy instead of telling SS a direct “no”. DH and SS were in the middle of a conversation in which I thought that DH did not give a clear “no”, because they were still discussing it after several minutes in front of the entire family, so I butted in and said…

“No, SS. You cannot do a high school extracurricular at school, even if it is allowed by the school. DS [in kindergarten] is not allowed to go into school [though there is an in-school option], so you are not allowed to do an extra-curricular in school [and, really, why would you think that would be the case when you aren’t even going to be in-school even if it’s permitted?!].”

There is so much back story to this. But, anyway, DH responded to me later (not in front of any kids) - That he did say “no” to SS, that SS understood it was a no, that his tone during the conversation was nice (wishy-washy), but that he did say no because during the entire conversation in the back of his mind was my past conversations with DH, so he wanted to make sure that he said no to SS, rather than give an indirect response.

He also said that he didn’t want me yelling at SS and if I had a problem I should be yelling at him. At that point, I started yelling at DH. Because, at NO point did I yell at SS. I used a normal stern voice, so that it was a clear “no” to SS, since I felt like DH was doing his normal wishy-washy thing with SS. I yelled at DH that at no point in his conversation with SS did I hear the word “no”. And that, I didn’t have issues with SS, all of my issues are with DH.

I’m sick of this. I have to tell my kindergartner that he has to watch his classmates in class while he attends online. I have to repeatedly tell him that “no, I’m sorry, it sucks, but you can’t go into school”. I have to deal with the sadness in my 5 year old. But, you can’t give a straight up “no” to your near 17 year old. F***, and it’s not even my decision to not send my kid into school. It’s mainly yours because you have anxiety and can’t deal with any risk of COVID.

Plus, this is an extracurricular….why couldn’t you and your ex say “no” months ago. You should have, because I kept hearing SS talk about it, so you obviously didn’t and were hoping that the school wouldn’t have extracurriculars this year thus solving your problem, so you didn’t have to address your problem. You and BM share the same views about COVID. This should have been settled with a “no” back when virtual school started in September. Why can’t you be effing honest with SS, DH?!?

Fast forward to today - I’m pretty sure my directness a few days ago is the result of what’s going on now. I’m positive that DH’s wishy-washy nature (even though DH claims he said no) would have resulted in SS still thinking he was going to do extracurriculars in school but because I was direct about it with SS, he understands that it is a no.

I just heard that SS sent a text to BM that he is sad and can no longer go on (he is with us now and for the next month) because he’s not allowed the extracurricular at school. I obviously think it’s manipulation. DH is having anxiety attacks now.

I repeated to DH that the reason why this is happening is because neither him or BM can give SS a direct “no” for anything. That SS should have known way earlier that extracurriculars were not going to happen. And now, SS is manipulating to try to get a “yes” from the two of you. He’s starting with BM, knowing that he can get both of you to argue and maybe one of you will allow it.

DH then said that in SS’s text to BM, one thing SS complained about was that DH and BM should have told him earlier that he couldn’t attend the extracurricular. Duh! Well, the manipulation is currently continuing as SS just told DH he will never play an instrument ever again. Then, not 10 minutes after their conversation is playing an instrument.

But, one of the things that I didn’t address with DH, but was the most jarring to me and makes me think that I need to leave this situation as soon as possible is the fact that DH thinks I yelled at SS and told me to never do it again.

By saying this, I really don’t think that I can be in the same room as SS at all. I talked to SS the way I talk to my DS who is 5, not 17. It's stern and clear with no debating. I’ve already told DH in the past that if he didn’t want me inputting parenting when I can no longer stand to hear dumb stuff in front of me then he has to do all of his parenting of SS away from me. Which, to me, means that if SS starts bringing up things, DH needs to tell him that they will talk about it later elsewhere. But, he didn’t do that.  And now, I just don’t think I can be around at all when SS is around for multiple reasons, all them stem from the fact that no one treats this kid like all the other kids in the family. It's mind-boggling!  So, yeah, I can't maintain this relationship at all.