FDH can't have kids....
Turns out not only are the children not his but when he went through kimo treatment it made him sterile! So here I am with an honorable man that wants to be there for the children he raised as his own and I'm being a part time mother to two children that aren't even his! I can't even have hopes for children of my own....it makes me sad I know he can't controll it but it hurts. And also he keeps saying he loves them the same but if he has no actual tie to them and almost everytime they come over he says not in the mood for the kids I miss them but I don't want them all wkend! So I am not sure what to feel. On a lighter note we got approved for our house loan! Im just not sure how to take this all. Its a lot to absorb still. I'm just kind of doing a ramble vent but there is a big part of ms that wants to tell FDH hey take care of the damn kids or leave them be. I was doing ok with disengaging then I just couldn't do it anymore because I felt sorry for the kids. He won't do there laundry or change SD1 diaper enough! So how can I not engage? If I dis engage he does it too! Sticks them in the living room turns on the tv and comes with me. Tells them to leave him be. That went on for the two weeks that I disengaged. Then I engaged and played the "motherly roll" and he was all about the fun stuff with the kids. So how do I not engage/disengage? I've tried everything I know to try and it just doesn't work. I'm at a lost for what to do.....it's just, I can't treat the children bad cause it's not there fault but I'm not going to be there mother and do all the parent chores. Is that a wrong way for me to feel. It's not my place to tell him how to be a parent so what can I really do?!?!?!?
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Sweetie are you sure this is
Sweetie are you sure this is what you want? I know you love him, but this sounds like so much for you to be handling from what it sounds like by yourself. Before you go through with buying a house with him and have that additional tie please just be sure if you can handle all this and not even have a child of your own. You don't have a child so you don't have that tie to him so if you left it would only effect you, if you want to work on it with him though I would go to couples counciling you sound like you are having real issues with him and on top of what you have already been through, I don't want to see you hurt more.
The child is only 1? How
The child is only 1? How long has he and bm been apart? Does he even truly have a bond with this kid? I dont know bm nor her situation, but perhaps he needs to back out. These arent his kids. They are someone else's kids. Perhaps that person needs to be clued in on the fact that he has kids. Maybe he would like to be involved and would make an awesome father. It is likely that bm will meet someone else and then THAT guy will be the new daddy. This happened sorta to my dh. When he met bm-his sd was maybe 2-he lived there for a year but spent alot of time with her during that year. When they split up, dh would still see her some. She was about 4 when I met dh and she would come up every so often and hang out with ss who was 2 at the time.
Her father was not really involved. But bm already had a new man and ahd one as soon as her and dh split. So this little girl was calling NEW sd dad. About 6 months down the road, new sd wanted to adopt her-they filed papers and bio dad came out of the woodwork. He wanted to see his daughter so they started visitation-now at this point this little girl, at 4 years of age, had 3 daddies. Wow. How confusing. DH did start backing off at that point and stopped visiting completely within the next 6 months. That girl is 15 now-her bm and "new" sd have beend divorced for about 5 years and her bio dad has maintained regualr visits with her since he got back involved. Her bm has a new man that she has been with for several years so she has a 'new' dad figure in her life too. After a while it all gets kind of ridiculous to think that she cuold maintain visitation with every one of her mom's lovers, boyfriends, husbands (they were quite a few in between the first stepdad after dh and teh current one). How does your dh plan to handle that if it happens with these kids?
I can't think of any advice
I can't think of any advice to give you NinjaChick except to say to think this over long and hard. How important is it to have a child of your own? Would FDH be willing to raise a child with you that is half yours and half from artificial insemination or what ever?
It would seem at the least this would be something on that aspect that he could agree to especially since you are there for a child that is half his ex and half who?
Very good point HM&O made above. I work at a school and this reminds me of the mom who would come to the school about 4 times a year to change her daughter's last name. The name changed everytime mom had a new boyfriend.
Back then, a parent could register their child with an AKA name but we would still have the legal name on file.
Wish you the best Ninja!
He says she doesn't have a
He says she doesn't have a right to take that away that he's not the dad cause it was already given to him but he is prepared for the worse! So I'm not sure what will happen after court....kinda playing it by ear right now. So that's a good question but everytime I talk to him about it he changes the subject. I guess it's touchy for him. I'm just not sure how long he will fill this way. It may alll change down the line. And BM wouldn't know who the Father is so there's no contacting the father. It's really all sad for the kids.