Blame the parents or the pregnant SD
Those of you who have read my other blogs know I am dealing with a major mess. Newly married my SD-17 got pregnant on purpose to trap a boy. She is manipulative, a liar, a theif and more. Discussing her attitude, rudeness and lack of responsibility - she told me (in front of her father) she was not raised to do that. Sadly, DH didn't voice a disagreement.
I am a strong willed, disciplined person. I raised two BSs on my own. Both are in college. They were raised to be helpful, respectful and responsible. I expect the same from her.
When I moved in I begin to notice things that DH never saw (or didn't want to see). The lying, the stealing....when asked to do something by DH she won't do it. Wait until he did. She demanded and DH provided. When he did try to punish her - she screamed, yelled, cried - and DH gave in.
I started rules in the house hold. My sons still live there part time. DH liked the rules - but didn't want to cause conflict by making SD follow. On and on and on...
So here we are. SD is 3 months pregnant. Boy is not wanting to be involved. And I am done. NOW - BM is wanting back into the picture. She has been absent for 3 years. She wants us all to meet and discuss SDs obtions. And to top it off - she specifically wants me there because I am the only one the SD will listen to. Reason -- she knows I mean it and they don't.
DH tried to talk me out of leaving last night. Ended in a bigger argument. He says I am too controlling but will let me take control - huh?
I am going to take a few days to myself to think.
At this point I am about ready to take the SD and leave. She might actually have a chance if given the resources she needs to develop skills to stand on her two feet. NOT live with either parent who wants to keep her in her present state of helplessness.
I am mad - sorry this is so long.
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Comments
There's a huge part of my
There's a huge part of my brain yelling "stay well out of it - not your kid, not your problem!"
Then there's another part yelling "if you're the one she'll listen to, then yes you should be involved"
Then there's the third yelling "SD is 17 - she needs to make her own decision about what she's going to do now, and just be as well informed as possible about what choices she has and what the consequences will be"
Sorry I can't be more helpful!
"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"
There does come a point in
There does come a point in every young adults life when they are responsible for their own actions. Yeah, it is easy to say---"I was never taught this by my parents"---so what. You are now old enought to teach yourself and do things right if you want to. Yes, your DH and BM did a terrible job. It sounds like you did all you could in the short time you did it.
It is time for you to step out. You are not the parent. If BM and DH want to figure out what she should do, so be it, but it is no longer your problem. If she is married now, SD new husband is responsible for her. In most states, marriage means you are now legally an adult, even if still underage. If you plan to stay w/DH, you need to make whatever your requirements are in regards to SD living w/you and DH, etc... plan and simple to DH, not to BM and SD.
If SD only responds to you, then you wait until she does come to you for help, on HER terms, not parents. Teens today have NO CLUE how tough it is to have a child and raise a child--she will learn fast, and needs to learn fast. She made this bed, let her lie ini it.
I agree with the third voice
I agree with the third voice - problem is I am really beginning to believe her parents have unintentionally crippled her -- she doesn't know how to do anything. Since I moved in I have showed her how to do laundry, how to dust, how to make mac and cheese.
I have given her information on all her choices - and told her that it is HER choice to make. Not ours to make for her. She just sits and tells us I don't know what I want to do. She really doesn't want the baby - she just wanted to get the boy. It didn't work out to be the fairytale she planned. SD says she wants to keep the baby and raise it. She will tell you that she doesn't know what she wants to do other than that. When asked about job - I don't want one. When asked about paying for things - ya'll will do it. Etc. But honestly, her parents have NEVER made her do anything. All threats they make to get her to do something have no teeth - and she knows it.
WOW, sounds like she will be
WOW, sounds like she will be living at home a long time, and grandparents will be raising that baby. May be time to just tell her to leave---locally here, there is a "group home" for unwed pregnant girls where they live, learn a vocation, have chores, etc... until baby comes, or make a decision to give up. I know that if that happened w/my SD, I would recommend that (in essence kick her out to be "adult" she obviously wanted to be).