Tired of taking the lead
I just need a vent.
I(32f) am just so tired of being blamed when something happens. I recently moved, and it was just expected that I would be the one to enroll the kids (11BS, 13SS) in their new schools. It wasn't an ask, It was an assumption.
I was able to enroll my bio-son just fine, it was a different school district, all online. Plus, as his bio parent, I had all of his information accessible and ready to go.
My SS is going to a different school district, it is just how the cards fell with the new address. That enrollment process was much more confusing and unclear. I had to ask for specific documents from my husband (41M), because, since SS is not biologically mine, I do not have access.
Long story short, I did everything I could, including calling the school, and they only told me his old school has to initiate it. I told my husband on multiple occasions, the day he's supposed to start, go into the school with him and bring all the documents, because I do not have a warm and fuzzy. I have contacted the old school and the new school. I have done so via email and phone.Multiple different days. I have done everything I can feasibly do to unresponsive parties. Tomorrow is the day he would start at the new school.
This morning, my husband asks me again, if SS is enrolled. I told him what I told him before: They told me to do XYZ. I did it. I sent what information I had. Just make sure to have documents on hand and walk him in tomorrow. The schools have been closed and empty for a school break, which is why I haven't been able to go there and do it myself. He is livid, asking me "how does it look when your son is enrolled but SS isn't?"
To me, it looks like the stepparent had to take on the bioparents role and nag for information and documentation from every party involved. Not to mention, after all the nagging, he still had never sent me SS immunization records. He swears he did, he checked his email, confirmed he did not. Did not change his blame on me.
I can understand his perspective to a degree. But I am just so tired of being scapegoated. At the end of the day, it shouldn't have been my assumed responsibility in the first place. I did not lack effort, I lacked information from the school and the proper documentation to get things done. I kept communicating about it, but fell victim to selective hearing.
I informed. and informed. and informed. Now suddenly when it gets down to the wire it is my fault. If this is going to be a regular assumption, get me a power of attorney so I can have access to records. Or, just maybe, listen to me when I tell you what is going on and why.
Today is the first day the staff is back at SS's school. I spoke with them again. I redid everything. But I still do not have the required documents from the bioparents. I just KNOW the blame is going to fall on my shoulders again. I'm over it.
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It’s up to DH
To take care of his kid. He's the father. It's his responsibility to enroll his kid into school not yours. DH doesn't like the way you do things. Now it's all up to him. Then it's not your fault. SM have no legual connection to SK.
My point exactly. I have no
My point exactly. I have no legal responsibility for this child other than to just be there for them. I understand the teamwork aspect of a marriage, but if something with YOUR kid isn't going the way you like, then it is YOUR responsibility to take care of it. I put in a lot of effort, do not get mad at me because the process was difficult and you don't like a scenario you chose not to participate in.
Yeah. It's pretty fk'd up
Yeah. It's pretty fk'd up what your DH is doing. You don't say anything about the BM, or what if any custody she has. Around here, they wouldn't let a stepparent do it. I also don't know what your arrangement is with your DH. Does he work and pay all the bills while you stay home and do all the "home and kid" stuff? If so, was that an agreed-upon arrangement? Even so, though, there are some things only a legal parent or guardian can do and school enrollment is one of them. The "D" in DH should stand for d!ckhead imo.
The BM and DH situation is an
The BM and DH situation is an odd one to say the least. BM lives in a different state and is pretty HC. I do not put a lot of blame on her for this situation. I'm just fully irritated with DH right now, ha.
We both work full time. We make equal pay, and if we got down to all of it, I would say I likely make SLIGHTLY more. I am just more involved with the kids schooling and am overall better with admin work. I used to work with DH, so I know that for a fact.
A problem that I have brought up with DH on numerous occasions, even before we were a couple, was that with everyone, not just me, he has a weird issue where if people don't do things the way he thinks it should be done, the assumption is that they are wrong. He needs to learn how to take a backseat, and if he can't, then he needs to do those things himself instead of getting mad at people for thinking differently from him.
Overall he's not a bad guy. I know that in a venting post, all I put out there are red flags. But he's not a full-on jerk. He is for sure in this scenario though lol
One point of contention is that his son is the "golden child" of the family. He IS a good kid, but hes 13, so no, he's not perfect and he does questionable teenager things. An example of one thing his family doesn't like is that I quote my son a lot but I don't quote the funny things SS says. Well, my BS has observational humor and SS's humor is at the expense of others. Nothing cruel, but his light teasing would not make him sound like a nice kid, because context matters. Even when I explain it exactly the way I just did, they think its me just trying to knock down SS. I think if I did quote SS, that is when I would be knocking him down. Its the frustrations like this that make me want to throw my hands up in the air and get out of dodge
Throw your hands up - there
Throw your hands up - there is NOTHING you do that will be seen as right or good so now it's time to take a backseat and let that lovely DH take care of HIS responsibilties. Oh...and everyone critiquing what you say? Learn to ignore them and stop giving a flying F***.
Exactly. I would personally
Exactly. I would personally do one more thing though. Write it down - exactly what the school needs, even if you've emailed it already, and note what you've done for items you could do something with. Put it in a list format. Print it out. So when he asks again you just hand him the piece of paper. No more talking. You cannot ensure it's done, you are not the legal parent, that's it. Not your role.
Alright @Cover1W but just
Alright @Cover1W but just this ONE time...this is HIS job that he's pawning off on stepmom.
My ex used to try to offload
My ex used to try to offload household and caretaking (of his kids) labor onto me
Bruh I work just as much as you so unless you have some traditional sahm money and take me off my job to do these traditional tasks for you .... you better get to work taking responsibility for YOUR kids!!!!
Call off, use your lunch break, or ask their breeder to do it. Both y'all are able bodied so don't ask me to be caretaker for your kids unless you're incompacitated or I volunteer.
***this was my stance to protect myself from getting taken advantage of by ruthless boundary pushers who loved to offload their childcare labor onto the "evil step mother"
You need to read the book
You need to read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Each chapter is about a specific person/role in your life and their responsibilities vs yours. Very eye opening. Available on Amazon.
Oh hell no!
Bare DH's idiot ass as the moron parent that he is. His laziness is not your issue. His spawn is not your issue, His issue, is his issue.
Keep that ass baring message front and center and keep his nose scrubbed in the stench of his own failures. His failures, are not your failures.
Your child is in school because.... you are a responsible, intelligent, effective parent.
Sadly, you did not marry one.
meh
Don’t your DARE allow your H
to browbeat you! Remember, nice guys finish last in steplife.
I was nice for the first eighteen years; no one appreciated me, and I was scapegoated. Then I stopped, and put a little fear in my DH. He respects me much more now that I don't hesitate to speak up and call him out on b.s.
Match your H's energy - heck, if he comes in at a 5, respond at a 6. Speak truth - tell him his son isn't enrolled at school because he, his father, has dropped the ball repeatedly AND NEEDS TO STOP TAKING THAT TONE WITH YOU!
This is excellent advice
This is excellent advice @Exjuliemccoy- I too, came in nice, not appreciated and scapegoated. Now I pull a @rags - and BARE their A**es, non apologetically either.
How it will look that your
How it will look that your son is enrolled and his isnt? It'll simply look as if SS's bioparents couldn't be bothered getting off their arses and enrolling him. It will look as if they just don't care about their son. This is all on him.
LOL at him worrying about what people will think when he hasn't lifted a finger to get it done.
I would say
I would say
"LOOK HERE BOB - since I have not legally adopted the kid, I am not legally responsible for enrolling him YOU are! I am helping you as a courtesy as your wife but at the end of the day this task is YOUR responsibility! You want t something done a particular way then you need to do it yourself"
*insert cold hard stare here*
From here on out do not involve yourself with stepson school matters. Let your husband take off work or deal with his sons school matters on his lunch break.
And when your husband asks why .... recall all the details of this interaction and his behavior from this event as the nail in the coffin so to speak
As you see the more you do and try to help....the more you get treated like a incompetent "house sl@ve"
You can get blamed for it
You can get blamed for it going wrong.. or you can get blamed for doing nothing.. I would pick the latter.
If his son is still not enrolled.. I would tell him flatly.. you did the best you could.. and that he will need to deal with this personally.