Any smoms ever have to deal with bm's spouse/so?

This is new for me. I got a message over OFW from BM's new mister. He posted something accusatory & directed at me a few days ago and I responded fairly sarcastically but tersely. Then he wrote again, this time only to me, egging me on (which I did not go for. I haven't responded).

The whole thing started when I broke my own rule, and (politely but firmly!) let BM know she was being inappropriate when she continued to break the C.A. by scheduling DH's time with the skids. We have 50/50 and have tried for years to get her to stop signing them up for after school things on our days, which are the same every week.

When we've signed them up for things that even had *optional* activities on her days, she's acted like it was a real hassle. The entire time SS was in dance (2 years) she refused to attend a single recital. So we've insisted on everyone scheduling their own time only. And even though she's gone and done it again I was wrong to confront her, I know that. Not my kids/not my problem. Disengage. But my H is such a craven wimp around her. She can walk all over him and boss him around and he doesn't dare demand even basic courtesy from her.

So I thought I'd tell her "hey, you're crossing the line and you need to ask us first about activities on our time". And of course, instead of apologizing for overstepping her bounds, she snaps on both of us. And then her hubby attacks me personally with a bunch of stuff aimed at provoking an argument. That was a creepy experience.I get he's just defending her, but I worry this is the beginning of basically having two BMs. If her hubby is going to be her obnoxious clone, just.. ugh. At this point I'm not responding to what he writes unless he can be respectful.

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Very astute observation,

Very astute observation, which I made in my post.

Yeah, you over stepped first.

Yeah, you over stepped first. When it comes to decisions for the skids, you are not an equal. Your dh and Bm should be the only two communicating with each other. Your dh needs to step up to the plate and tell her to stop. For you to step in and email first, you are only asking the BMs new guy to also comment. Remember are have has much "say" as the new boy friend.

I agree my attempt to put her

I agree my attempt to put her in her place invited comment from her flying monkey. I don't feel it's overstepping my bounds to stick up for our household's scheduling. But I know what you mean is it's a big no-no to vocalize any preferences to the bio-mom about what her kids do. That's all fine, and it's how I normally operate. I just had a weak moment. It has been a long time that we've had this same problem with BM. It sure gets old!

Somehow I seem to have made

Somehow I seem to have made the impression I think I am the parent.

It's the worst kind of

It's the worst kind of double-bind. You can't say a word or you're overstepping (because you're not the parent) but if you don't say something, you're the one sitting in the middle of foolish drama.

Disengagement is the name of the game. You have got to let these things go, and admit that your H isn't doing his job as a partner or a parent and that's why you're stepping up/overstepping. And so this is a marriage issue between you and H, not an issue between you and BM or BM's SO.

Thank you for this thoughtful

Thank you for this thoughtful post, Moeilijk!! It IS hard. Thank you! That's all I was looking for, commiseration. Support. I obviously invited the shit that I'm complaining about. It's good to remember it's H's fault, since sometimes it really does seem like he's effing helpless against BM!

Agreed. He is helpless and

Agreed. He is helpless and it's probably what's really bothering me about this. He lets very toxic people act total assholes--and that affects ME. It's exhausting because this means he's MY weak link to assholes who don't respect boundaries. All the boundaries we have are ones I created. It's exhausting maintaining them all! If I didn't, though, BM would still be controlling all our time. Our custody agreement used to be totally based on her work schedule/whims. If she wanted a day to herself, she'd drop them off at our house. Because of me, it's a set schedule. But of course, I had to do that through DH. I can't believe how much work it's been. If we didn't have a child together I would have left a very long time ago.