I feel like Scrooge
We go overboard for Xmas, always have. We can afford it and DH is very giving. It's in the spirt of Christmas, it's better to give than receive, and not in the I'm buying your love way.
This year I'm really annoyed and am feeling like an awful Scrooge about a few things.
These feelings have been building for a few years and this year I just feel like I want to b*$ch about it to someone, anyone!
First, DHs sister split from her hubby 3 years ago. In the same year she met and moved in with her new BF. She has 3 and he has 4, so now they are a huge blending family of 9!
They are great people, I get along with them all very well. The kids and skids get along and while there are difficulties they are overcoming them.
My problem is that we've always given her kids $100 each for Xmas. It was something DH started before I met him and it works. Three years ago when she gained the 4 skids we decided to add them and gave them $100 each as well. We also get SIL and bf a $250 gift certificate for a night out at a local dinner theatre.
They are all respectful and thankful.
They give us a $100 gc to a restaurant and nothing for any of our kids.
It bugs the hell out of me!
Now when she was married they didn't have a lot of extra money and the money was really helpful. It let the kids get new clothes or games or whatever at the after Xmas sales. The new BF is very well off and they have more than enough of everything. He is very generous with her and her kids, but it doesn't seem to extend to us and our kids.
I know it shouldn't bother me. I know it's not about what you get but what you give. I know I sound greedy and I hate it but, it's been 3 years and we've included his kids in what we've always done for her kids.
DH is okay with the fact that she's never gotten anything for his kids or mine when I came along. As I said when she was married they didn't have much. I know it's not up to her new BF to buy for us or our kids but again we do it for his!
The second thing is that we give our kids money to shop for their friends, us and others for Xmas.
We've done it for years and can afford it.
DH and I don't need anything and in the past have gotten crappy last min gifts from the skids. We are really hard to buy for and so I get it. Honestly, my kids don't do much better but they will at least get us a gf for a restaurant that we really like.
I know for a fact that the skids use that money to buy BM a great gift. Last year I got misdirected texts about whether to get her the $250 juicer she wanted or the Pandora charm jewellery. That bugs me, I hate that they use the money we give them to get her a gift and that they ask her what she wants when they just say thanks for the money to us.
I know if I don't like it I should say NO, we are not giving you money to shop for other people this year. DH says why get upset, who cares what they spend it on? Let it go and enjoy the season. We didn't give any $ to SS24 who is done school and working, so it's only SD and my kid and it will stop when they are done school and working.
I really just want to let these things go. I want to enjoy the season and my family and not be so caught up in $$$$ and who's spending what.
I feel like I'm on the edge of creating drama and gossip and I don't want to but these feelings keep creeping in!
Any advice on just letting it all go??
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That much money being spent
That much money being spent to get BM a gift would make me go nuts....no way I could let that go. How old are your skids ?
And the SIL situation....just give them a family gift , like a giftcard to a restaurant for $100. Stop going overboard with them. Xmas is for kids anyway ....shameful they exclude all the kids from your home.
Yes, It definitely annoyed me
Yes, It definitely annoyed me last year when I saw the texts but DH talked me down. The skids have to get her something big so that she knows they lover her best. It's something that's gone on for years. Then she can brag how much her kids love her in one breath and say how DH is only trying to buy their love with his gifts in the next. It's a BM thing!
They are adults, SS is 24 and SD is 26. Until this year both were in Uni and playing sports (on scholarships) so no time for a job. SS24 is done and working full time, so he is now completely on his own.
They are great kids and I get along with them very well. They are respectful and grateful and loving toward DH, me and my kids.
Yes, DH and I talked about getting a gc for the family. The problem is they are all in sports, one is actually away playing in the WHL, so it would be difficult for them to use it all together.
SIL and BM hate each other and so BM wouldn't take the time to look for and buy gifts. DH gave them money without telling BM and so BM thought they were getting nothing from the two of them. SIL wouldn't buy anything because BM would throw it out or return it. The skids are used to not getting anything from SIL and don't know about the money DH gives her kids. It's an old cycle, one that just hasn't broken.
Your DH gives his ADULT kids
Your DH gives his ADULT kids money to buy their friends and BM gifts...O.M.G......
As for SIL - Who cares if that family is all in sports, etc , - they must spend some time together as a family. If they are adults out of the house , then send them a separate small gift card.
Yep, while they are in school
Yep, while they are in school he does. SS24 graduated this year and is working so he didn't get any money this year.
It was something that started years ago. He used to take them shopping but wanted them to understand the value of money and what it could buy. So he started giving them a set amount and they had to budget how much they would spend on friends and family.
In his head he'd always planned that once they moved out and got jobs it would stop.
I did the same with my kids, we just had a smaller budget and some years we bought craft stuff and made gifts.
I need to point out that the skids are/were at Uni on sports scholarships and between away games, home games, practices and having to keep their grades up to keep the scholarship there was no way they could work during the school year. All the kids have had summer jobs which supplements them during the school year.
SIL and BF have 7 kids on 6 different teams, all except one are under 17. They see each other (the whole family) in the morning before school and often not again until just before bed. They haven't spent a weekend together in 4 months. SILs oldest is in the states playing on a WHL team. He is home for 6 days and has to spread himself between her and his Dad and all the other extended family.
We have talked about doing a big family get away, all of them and all of us for a week in the sun. I know that I can plan it and DH and I have discussed my planning it as our gift to them for next Xmas. Everyone would pay their own way for the vacation.
I don't think you are
I don't think you are Scrooge. It isn't about giving until you collapse. it is about memories and happy feelings. And those happy feelings are lacking right now.
YES, this is it. In the past
YES, this is it.
In the past I've been able to let go of the bad feeling about the money being spent and just enjoyed the family part.
We have a great time with all the kids and his family. Then the next day we have a great day with my family. I'm just having such a hard time letting it go this year.
I liked both your posts. The
I liked both your posts.
The first one is just what I needed to hear. DH is generous and giving. I do aspire to be more like that. It's just that I'm not sure how to get there. I do volunteer and have never had a real problem with giving to others. I think maybe this year I'm feeling used or taken advantage of? I also think it's something thats been building because I don't want to talk about it and give it a voice. I'm having a hard time separating the giving from the getting and I hate that I'm feeling this way.
Yes, DH goes overboard. He always has. He's the big brother and has always protected and helped his sister out. As I said above SIL and BM hate each other and so DH felt like he wasn't there for her most of the time he was married.
One of the first things she said to me when I met her was Please don't take my brother away from me, I just got him back.
As for SIL spending her BFs money, I guess maybe I think he should be the one to say here is something for your kids. You buy for mine so I'll buy for yours.
Her BF has very much shown us that extended family is important. A month into the relationship he was telling his kids to call us Aunt and Uncle and DHs parents Grandma and Grandpa. He's a very kid related guy and is generous in other aspects. I have no idea how they've decided to handle their finances, nor should I, and it could be that she's told him this is the status quo and lets just leave it?
Who knows maybe this year there will be envelopes for all and I'll feel like a heel for even thinking this way. I'm just happy that I can vent here and not create any family gossip or drama!
Thanks to everyone here for that!
One year I bought presents
One year I bought presents for my brother's children, for his ex wife, for his current wife, for him and for his step children. All were thoughtful expensive presents (about $100 each about 20 years ago). So I spent a lot of money.
What did I get? A $10 basket from Pier 1 (with a broken handle). Oh and let me add - my brother is practically a billionaire. He has multiple estates (not just homes) on several continents.
At that point I just let go. No more presents for any of them.
That's the hard thing about
That's the hard thing about just giving out money all the time. Might be a pain in the ass, but what if you took them to get the gifts? It might sound petty but I totally understand because when my parents give MY skids money or gift cards I make keep it at our house and I take them to stores to spend it. I mean they are only 9 and 14 but it avoids having to worry about their mom taking their money or if I hear particularly the oldest one about to blow it on something extra dumb, I'll suggest something better she said she wanted before. And she'll be like ohhh yeah! Lol. I used to just want to give them money all the time and everything else, but they suck at money right now. The oldest one would even borrow from the youngest and not pay her back. Set it up so you're helping them the way you want to and everyone is happy. Kinda like snacks I keep in the house. I make sure they are all healthy and they can pick what they want to eat any time because essentially I picked them all. Lol