Try this forum:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=540367

The women there have faced this very situation. Good luck.

He left the choice to you? What a sweetheart of a guy. How do you even look at his face?

Wish you the best. He's an asshole.

That poor child should not be punished because her parents' actions and her stepmother's anger.

You got rid of the friend, but keep the husband. Why????

Did your DH request a DNA test at child's birth? Seems strange that an actual legal CS order was not obtained. To ensure correct amount and enforcement for the length of 18yrs, I'd think just trying to 'blackmail ' (give or I'll tell) the other mother left her child vulnerable.

Anyway ....why now? What has made the other mother to approach the subject of visitation now? IMO it's something your DH needs to decide if he will or won't have some type of relationship with this other child. It's not something you should decide for him. He could see the child an occasional weekend afternoon outside of the home.

The next possibility is these two children meeting perhaps at school. Would you want your child to learn of Daddy's love child from someone else and possibly in a cruel way?

Sorry for sounding rude but you're very hurt and angry so I'm going to be honest about how you come across the screen to readers:

You don't need to be anywhere near that kid. You are hateful and angry and it's boiling over onto her because you can't cope with his betrayal. I doubt you'll ever feel like his daughter is anything but a homewrecker so you don't need to be left alone with her for her safety. From the sounds of it you will never forgive your husband and move on either so you should probably look into a divorce lawyer. Try to be fair and not completely bank rob him. He does unfortunately have to take care of his daughter too. I get youre angry but it doesn't change the fact the little girl is here now in your husband and son's life and she needs attention and care just like your son does. They are siblings like it or not so keep your anger where it should be: your husband. Try not to fall into the Golden Uterus BM stereotype. You are justified in your anger but you aren't justified in keeping your husband away from his daughter (or son if y'all split up) because your feelings are hurt.

Does your DH still have a cordial relationship with this woman? Does his daughter know he is her father? Sounds like something out of Star Wars.

The logical thing is this girl doesn't know about your DH being her father. IF she does how many times has he met her? How can you expect a man to walk into your daughter's life and say "Ta Da! This is your real Daddy. Now go off and play with him and his family every second weekend."

I hear your anger and venom. But this child is a child from out of wedlock. Labelling a child is not very nice. Because your son is the son of a cuckold woman in that case. Legally this girl is your sons half sister. Her mother was blackmailing your husband for 7 years. And do NOT think she will not go to court if he does not want to see his daughter and play according to her rules. She will and can say she has never received support from him and it WILL be backdated. So you will leave him, she will scrape up whatever else she can from him and both children will be fatherless.

Seek counselling. Your DH should see an attorney and get it notarized that he has supported his daughter for the past 7 years so her mother cannot come after him for back-support.

This is one of those moments where you can both grow or walk away. But BOTH of you need to face this crisis. I can understand why he is putting this on you. He loves you and wants to stay with you at any cost. If you say no, he gets you. If you say yes, he gets you. either way he gets you. And you need to find a path to forgiveness. It has taken me 15 years to work out my part in my ex walking away. 90% was him but I own 10% of the issue. And I suspect I am being kind on myself .... still.

One way to consider this child is what if your son needed an organ transplant like a kidney in the future and this was his closest match? Would you say no and lose your son? Also hhe should know who she is because due to their ages and this girl is now living so close they could end up dating.

I understand the anger. However this is all new to you. He has been hiding this for the past 7 years. It is like when your spouse decides to move out of your life. He/She has been considering this for weeks or months so he/she has gone through the stages that are now being slammed on you.

What a situation, almost a decade of lies about an affair, a child and secret CS payments. Some friend you had there. Now DH is "letting" you decide whether he has visitation with his love child. You had no decision in his affair with your friend, no decision in her pregnancy and no decision in him taking your joint assets and secretly paying for his child. But now YOU get to decide...he's an ass. He needs to be the one to make the decision and live with the consequences.

I'm sorry, I have no real advice just hugs and empathy.

This post is so heart wrenching, I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

I have to ask, though, why? Why have you chosen to reconcile? Why have you chosen to go to counselling and make it work? Is it because you love him? Because you want to believe he loves you? Because you feel you owe it to your son? Or because you dont want to give your ex-friend the satisfaction of destroying your marriage?
Because I think the answer to that question will tell you alot.

Marriage vows are for life, they are serious commitments. To me there are only two things that void that contract; Abuse/violence and cheating (I suppose death is a third but you get what I mean)

Like others have said, you arent just dealing with a single instance of cheating here, you are dealing with an emotional affair that developed between your husband and your friend. That became physical, that resulted in pregnancy that was hidden from you.
Your husband destroyed your marriage the moment he started a relationship with your friend (however short it was, its a relationship) More than that, he is so deceitful and so cowardly that he didnt even have the balls to own up to his actions. He would have happily continued to lie to you.
How do you know? This kid is 7 and you found out LAST summer?! He has hidden this child from you for over 6 years?! THAT is unforgivable.

Personally, cheating at all is unforgivable to me but I can respect those that try to reconcile their marriage vows after infidelity. The hardest thing to get over is the lack of trust, how can you trust someone who took vows to be with you and only you and then breaks them? But with your husband, how can you ever trust him after he has continually lied to you for 6 years? Thats not a small thing, thats not a "Oh I forgot about it honey" he was paying child support behind your back.

You may find after a separation that visitation is scheduled for both children to get to know one another, but given that his daughter is 7, you might find the ability to request (or her BM to request) the visitation to be singular to enable him to actually build a relationship with his daughter.
In terms of your son though, the only way you can control your son having no relationship with his half sibling, is by staying married and having your husband go and have his visitation with his daughter elsewhere. Which ultimately is prolonging the whole cheating scenario, because rather than being home with you and your son he is out having fun with another female, just this time its his "other" child that came from such sneaking around.
And ultimately, over time, if hes having too much of a life away from his home then there wont be a home for him to come back to. Do you really want to give him the satisfaction of cheating on you, fathering another child, convincing you to get back with him to reconcile and them him leave you when hes good and ready? Hell no woman you have your pride, thats why you are angry.

Some people may have enough in them to forgive and allow this child into their homes, other people cannot and they dont need to apologise for that. But those that cannot, need to be ending the marriage because ultimately no third party should influence a parent not to have access to their child. And in this scenario, you may be his wife but you are the third party when its about this father and his daughter.

But i am truly sorry, I cannot begin to imagine how much this hurts, but I do honestly believe this pain and heartache will be over far sooner if you call it for what it is. He failed, he failed his vows, he failed you, he failed his family and its on him and him alone to fix it and provide for any and all children he creates.

You need to do at is best for you and your son. You have only the responsibility to worry about and care for yourself and your kid. His kid with that other woman is not your issue or problem. His relationship with the other kid is not your issue, what is your issue is protecting your relationship and your child.

In no way can I see how having that child around at this time a good idea. Your son may only grow to resent her for causing problems and probably a definite divorce with his parents. There will most likely be no love lost between those two. That is on the biomom who decided to get pregnant with an already married man. It isn't a situation in which you knowingly knew he had s kid, nope, he made that decision on his own. It is now your decision as to what you want in your life.

I would make sure that you get the max amount of child support through the courts and while he is in the want to work it out mood, you put in there that he pays for childcare, medical, extra curriculars, and that he sets up separate acount for college in which he pays every month into. I would make sure to put that he pays for a life insurance policy that until your kid is done with college. It is not your responsibltu to make sure that he has enough money to pay for the other child's support or future.

If he wants this to work the. He should set up an "our family wizard" account in which you have access to. All communication is to be only pertaining to support payments.

I would let him make his own decision on whether he wants to see that child, but I would also let him know that it will not happen in your house, and that child will not be a part of your life or your minor child's life. I would also make it clear that he is no longer to be around the whore as you can't trust him as he fooled you once.

My father had an affair and married his affair partner. My mom had to send me to them, and my dad was the ultimate Disney dad, which caused them issues. He ended up having an affair on her ( big suprise). I never had an issue with my half siblings, but we aren't close. I wish my mother would have looked beyond her hurt and protected my interests.

On my cell so can't write too much nor did I read all the replies.

Your DH has been lying to you for 7 plus years about a secret love child!! That should be the deal breaker. I understand you forgave the affair and stayed married, but come on, this is just too much.

Kick his ass to the curb.

Of course the OP is angry and pissed as hell. Who wouldn't be? And it's not the sort of thing that one gets over a day later and then goes on with one's life. Don't fault her for being insanely angry. She gets kudos from me for not severing body parts or setting him on fire after dousing him with gasoline.

I posted the first reply and sent her to the OC (other child) forum of surviving infidelity. Then I decided to read some of that forum myself. This unfortunately is not that rare of an occurrence. Many people do manage to reconcile after some of the most horrendous betrayals. I don't think I could - but then I will never be in that position with an OC (my DH got snipped 30 years ago).

I will not judge people who actually manage to put the pieces back together after a betrayal when there is true remorse and a permanent change in attitude. I do think people who accept ongoing betrayals have a few rocks loose in their heads though.

But from what I read there most people who do manage to have a successful reconciliation go completely NC (no contact) with OW and OC. Just send in the money and have no interaction.

I don't think a wife can dictate what her DH is going to do with OC - but she certainly has absolute control about what she will accept in her life. If a man wants to take the OW(other woman) to her pregnancy appointments and to be there for the birth he's probably not a keeper. Because all of that is for the pregnant woman not for the baby.

The other week I was getting my haircut and my hairdresser said "hello gorgeous" to a 20-ish young man who came in. They exchanged a few words and he left and she was gushing on about him being her youngest and best son. Turns out he isn't her son at all but the kid her husband had during an affair 20 or so years ago! Story was that husband moved to our country (for a break or whatever it was) and wouldn't come home (to Peru I think they were from). After 2 years wife brings herself and her 2 small boys here (to NZ) and finds him living with another woman who is now pregnant. A couple of years of turmoil and eventually husband moves out of girlfriend's home and back in with wife and custody of new baby is set up. Wife (hairdresser) decides to treat boy as her own and now will tell anyone who listens that he is "her best boy". She is still with hubby and all is wonderful - big happy family!

I was trying to understand how she could forgive husband and love this boy "as her own" but couldn't. In the end I just decided she was some kind of saint or something. She is a really, really happy joyful kind of lady so she probably is a saint. She was trying to explain that there really were a couple of terrible years at the beginning but she had a change of heart and ever since just can't be happier.

So it is possible, if you really want to keep an intact family and welcome this girl "as your own", it has been done before - anything is possible. It really is down to you as to what you want I guess. Option 1 = you and your boy (and possible future amazing new man - but then that has pitfalls of him having kids most likely with issues of their own, exes etc) or Option 2 = you, your hubby, your boy, your hubby's daughter (pitfalls are constant reminder of affair, her mother being involved in your lives to some extent, possible issues with daughter emotional state as she grows up).

If I were to ever forgive him, he would have to have no contact with the child and pay cs and that's it. Sorry if that's not the nicest answer, but you have to think about yourself first.

Personally I could never tell someone he cannot have contact with his child. It's not the child's fault. Your angry with him, he's the liar. I think I'd leave him but that's easy to say until you're in the position. If timers me and I was trying to forgive and save my marriage, I think I'd have to accept the child too. He will just resent the hell out of you eventually if you forbid it. Plus, I'd rather he visit,the child with me and not apart from me. That would just make things worse,his having a whole life without you. I don't know. I could never live with myself if I denied a child the chance to know her father. I feel like if you're going to forgive the awful,thing he didi, you have to accept the whole package. If you can't and who could blame you, if get out. Just my opinion. It's an awful position he put you in. What does he want by the way?

Very sorry you're going through this, op. There are a million different ways to skin this apple, only those of you living it know which of those ways will work best for you.

I'll just be the lone voice in the wilderness saying I'm not convinced the child getting your dh into her life is necessarily good for her. First there's that other man she thought was daddy. At 8 this will be no easy substitution. Second, your dh is a stranger to her and only if he reconciles with affair partner will she ever see much of him. It is most likely he will be a once in awhile drop in visitor to her life -- he will not be a parent to her nor be able to parent her. She has a million reasons to distrust and defy him and few if any reasons yet to love him or cleave to him. From what we have all learned about steplife, the child comes with their own set of feelings and behaviors and in this case the man will be in the position of acting as step father to his own child! What a high hill that will be to climb.

It's unfortunate for the little girl that she was born into this situation but millions of kids are born into worse. The luck of the draw. I see very few scenarios in which she will benefit from this man trying to become a parent to her at this stage. I think maybe when she's an adult and no longer needs parenting would be the best time for them to meet each other and try to sort out a relationship. I just can't see a confused and hurt little girl (hurt because the daddy she THOUGHT she had is probably out of her life now) cozying up to this new daddy like nothing ever happened. She's going to use his presence in her life as a way to act out and manipulate like many of the ST stepchildren do. Not good for her. Better to let her figure things out with the cast of characters currently in her life. I think it would be in her best interest.

And, no, coming over to YOUR house to see this alleged new daddy sounds like the worst possible thing in the world. For everybody. Especially the little girl.

My marriage ended due to infidelity on my husband's part. I found the website www.chumplady.com and I find great comfort there. I suggest you spend some time reading there. It's really an awesome site.

Now my father cheated on my mother when my mother was pregnant with my twin sisters and the Other Woman had an illegitimate child. I'm now 40 and this woman has started sending me facebook messages. I've never met my half brother but I tell you this... my three siblings and I are close. This part weekend they went trick or treating with me and my kids. We went to a theme park together last month. We are all going to my brother's wedding next month. So this Other Woman says now after 40 years she feels bad that her son has no siblings or familial relationships and all I can think is, "HEy lady.. that's on YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU did that to your son by having an affair with a married man and having a child with him on the sly! "

Sure, it is not the child's fault. I get that, ladies. However, it is a constant reminder of what happened. Hugs to you! Im going to be brutally honest here and say that I could not stay. I could not stand to have that constant reminder. I am so sorry!

I just want to add that it is not you, op, who are "keeping the father from the child." The child's own parents did that. For 8 years. That is 100 million percent on THEM.

I think your dh is maybe hoping you will give him the excuse to continue not seeing the child. He can pretend he wants to play da-da but meanie wife won't let him, ooooh, so tewwible! I think you should tell your dh he should do whatever he thinks is best and so will you. You do NOT control him, obviously, or none of this would ever have happened. You saying the child does not come to YOUR house to visit is not the same as saying he can't see her.

BTW, op, you asked for experienced stepparents views. In my stepparenting experience, a little girl who doesn't even know your dh is NOT going to happy being forced to come to his house for the weekend. Depending on the child's personality and upbringing, she will act out her unhappiness via hostility. It will be impossible for you, the sm, to fix this for the child because you are not the one who created her anxieties and dilemmas. It will disrupt the entire family as the child lashes out at whoever -- your son, you, her dad, the family pets. She will report back to her BM everything she sees and hears at your house. She will play for sympathy to her dad, most likely, but possibly to others in an effort to survive a stressful situation. There will also likely be regressive behavior related to sleep, hygiene, etc. as the child is thrust into an unfamiliar and tense situation.

Her own mother has likely told her bad stories about the "real" dad who "abandoned" her and probably same story second verse about the man she's divorcing now, the man the child THOUGHT was her dad but probably has no rights nor obligations to her now. This puts the little girl in the position of being hurt, angry, and condescending/judgmental all at once.

These are the types of things we stepparents have had to deal with in circumstances far less stressful than what your stepchild is going through. So these are the kinds of things you can expect unless the child was raised very well or is innately exceptional.

There is much research out there. One of the best I have read is https://www.pennlawreview.com/print/old/Maldonado.pdf

I found reference to it in divorce info. It is a review of why the courts need to change the laws to involve fathers as parents in order to make them more involved not just financially.

"Encouraging Divorced Fathers to Remain Active Parents

Maldonado cites disturbing statistics about the involvement of fathers with their children after divorce:

About 80 percent of children live with their mothers after divorce.
About 60 percent of children have little or no contact with their fathers after divorce.
23 percent of children of divorce have had no contact with their fathers during the past five years.
Most time fathers spend with their children is focused not on moral or personal development but on entertainment.

A child is not going to die without a father in his or her life. If that were the case the cemeteries would be full of dead children.

As I am older I grew up with many children whose fathers were killed in WWII. Sure it would have been better to have a dad - but it does not prevent one from growing up to be a productive normal member of society.

If the OP wants NOTHING to do with the little "extra" child that is certainly her right. And yes she can choose to not associate with her current DH if he wants a relationship with the child. That's her right too. It's called a consequence. And a consequence for her might be her DH choosing the OC over her. But that's no reason for her to compromise her principles and accept the unacceptable.

It's an all around shitty situation. No use in pretending that any path is the "high road" at this point.

The mother of the little girl is such a selfish wench. Rather than having OP's DH sign away his rights and possibly allow the stepfather to adopt her the mother continued her blackmail campaign, then went on to ruin her marriage. The OP likely does not want a relationship with the girl, he's showed no interest for half of her childhood. he wanted his 3 minutes of fun not a child support payment.

I doubt if the husband would ever "choose" this child over his wife and son. In fact he has done everything in his power to keep his wife from finding out about this affair, and thus denying that this daughter even exists. All to keep his marriage, which he clearly seems to cares about, inspite of his horrible indescretion.
He is NOT this little girls daddy. No daddy chooses to keep his child a secret. He is her sperm donor. He has been paying child support to keep the other woman quiet. That is not the same thing as being her "daddy." Not even close. I think it's odd that so many are saying that this girl deserves to know her father etc. There is no guarantee that knowing her father is the best thing for her. IMO he doesn't want her, she will disrupt his life, and don't think she won't notice.
I can't see how it is the OP's fault that this man is not being a father to the girl. She's just a easy scapegoat. That has been his choice for the past 7 years. He has chosen to have no relationship with this child conceived during his affair. Is the ex friend only wanting him to have a relationship with the daughter now, because she is divorcing her own husband. It seems that way. Its a very dangerous game she is playing with her daughter. There are many different outcomes that can come about for the little girl if thrown into visitation with her father, and these outcomes may not benefit her in the end. Same for the son involved. Sometimes getting everybody together isn't a fairytale ending where a new happy family emerges. This here is a extremely difficult case any way you slice it, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck OP.