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Dealing Vent

NylaStyles's picture

Submitted by NylaStyles on Sun, 09/02/2018 - 8:32pm

This is pure venting

 

I’m having a hard time accepting a reality I never agreed to. Yes I know dating person with a kid will bring them to be your kid in some way. Let me start back a bit. When I met my SO he had a 50-50 with her mom. Then mom would stop calling for her at the end of the week & she ended up with us long term while I was pregnant with my first child. She was 1.5 then. When I had my baby & my SD was 2 her mom “decide she was ready to be a mom again” & took her for 6 months. We got a call about an incident happened & we needed to go get her. 3 years later she’s 5.5 we’ve moved to a new state. Mom acted concerned that she was leaving but never even saw her kid more than 4 times in a year. SD is supposed to be starting kindergarten but we need an official birth certificate. Dads name is not on the certificate due to him being at school out of state when she was born (mom said she’d go sign the paperwork before we moved but never did) mom finally answered a Facebook message truthfully after all summer saying she’d send it she said she wanted her to come home. Background on mom she is TRASH my SD is 1/6 kids & mom barley has the rest. SO will not send her back into that living situation. I would LOVE for her to go but I know the stress it would bring to my SO. I’m stressed through the roof with her home everyday. I don’t really like kids but I love mine. I love my SD as well but it’s just not the same. She talks NONE STOP ALL DAY LONG. Screams all day & is really really annoying. I now have a case of Bells Palsey from the stress of dealing. I just want to enjoy my house again. I like my home being my safe haven this is not it. I can’t go anywhere & be comfortable because she follows me & I get it it’s becasue she’s looking for the mother daughter connection which I give her but it’s never enough....& it’s her plus my 3 & 1 year olds. I never agreed or signed up to be the mom of a wounded little girl. I want her to be at her best but honestly I’m not up to fixing a person I didn’t break. I have enough of my own stuff on my plate. That may sound selfish but it’s what I need to be my best me & the best mom. I work full time raise 3 kids 5 & under & I’m not interested in taking on tasks I didn’t partake in creating working through the outcome of her wounds. My SO asked her to get an abortion when BM was pregnant, she declined &  she raised her for a year & a half. Like what kind of shit is this. I legit only stay in this because this is my babies sisters & they love her. I just really feel I can’t offer her what she needs. Thank you for reading. 

Comments

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 12:26am

TO BM.  SO will be stressed out.???   He will be more stressed out with another fail marrage.  You have to think about yourself.  Your SD is making you sick,  Then who is going to take care of your bio kids.  SO can’t not take care of his first DD,  he not going to take care of your kids.

1aura's picture

Submitted by 1aura on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 3:17am

My heart goes out to you. You have got to put yourself first and listen to what your body is telling you. You have physical symptoms of severe stress..is that not enough for your husband to step in?! Don't leave it too late like I did. I now have a life changing medical condition bought on by the stress of dealing with someone else's lack of parenting. Put yourself and children first. 

MoominMama's picture

Submitted by MoominMama on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 4:13am

I think you need to get this all properly sorted out legall and financially. Very stressful for you and I think getting things on a more regular footing would be better for you and the child. This 'mother' is atrocioius, you could even say psychologically and emotionally neglecting the child.

I'm wondering.. If parents have 50/50 then can the parent be forced to have their time with the child? In the usual eowe situation the ncp cannot be forced to exerise their visitation. Wondering how that stands with 50/50 ?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 8:45am

I know you said this is a vent, but there are a few solutions that might make a world of difference:

1.) SO establishing paternity and getting on the BC. My guess is some of your stress comes from the ever-unknowing if BM will just show, take SD, then come back in 2-3 months to leave her again. Not being Dad legally really puts your SO in a tough spot - SD, too.

2.) SO establishing an out of state custody agreement. Same reasons as above, and SD needs her mom so long as she can take care of SD. This would also give you a break.

3.) SO getting SD into therapy.

4.) SO hiring a babysitter, or sending SD to his family for a bit, or enrolling SD in after school care. Anything to give you a break.

5.) SO spending one-on-one time with SD.

6.) Get yourself a non-kid hobby. Yoga, drawing, ax throwing - whatever makes you happy. If You weren't all that maternal before you had your own kids, then chances are that they drain you very quickly, too, but you willingly kill yourself for them because that's what you're biologically programmed to do. You need to take breaks just for you - and your SO needs to support that. He'll also need his own breaks, but that goes back to him hiring a babysitter, getting SD into an activity, etc. 

7.) Get into therapy, for you and SO. Both of you are dealing with trauma, and while the source is the same, the impact is very different. You both need someone to talk to that can help you individually cope and who can help you cope as a couple.

None of this is easy, but I do think you would feel a great deal better if things were less chaotic and loose.