Something I've been saying a lot lately....
I've noticed that I've been saying the words, "BF won't let me do that," a lot lately. He won't "let me" go to the tanning bed, or become a massage therapist, or spend the night with a friend, or highlight my hair, or smoke... Now, granted he can't stop me from doing any of these things, but in the interest of saving my own sanity from having to deal with the fallout afterwards (including him leaving me if I smoke), I just don't do them. The only thing he's ever actually come out and said "No" to was me giving blood before our vacation. I have tiny veins and they always blow them out when they try to take my blood...but I always try anyway. Well, he told me no because he didn't want me to be all bruised and swollen while we were in Disney. Now I'm pregnant and I can't.
He didn't used to be so controlling, but lately it seems like he's more and more so as the weeks go by. Of course it's worse since I'm pregnant but even before that it was like I was fighting for my own independence. I think that part of the problem is that for 14 years he was bossed around by BM and now he's kind of lashing out and exercising his own rights. Another part is that I sold my vehicle to his mother because hers completely broke down and she needed one immediately, so we're sharing one vehicle right now.
It's not that I'm not happy with him, I am. And the situation as it is now is great. I just wish he didn't exercise this passive-aggressive controlling crap.
- Nymh's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Pregnant Mama?
Maybe he's being over protective because you're pregnant?
Also, sharing a vehicle can be a HUGE strain on a relationship. My DH's truck was in a body shop for a month one time and I was ready to choke him....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Well, it's not that
Granted he is more protective now because I'm pregnant, but that's more like, "I'll take you home if you need to rest," or, "Are you sure that's OK to eat?" He's always been controlling like this. He doesn't understand my need/want to hang out with other people. He gets super offended at the prospect of me attending a girls night or spending the night with a friend or even just going to a small get-together for a few hours. He would rather us be in the same building - not together, or talking, but just knowing I'm there.
And yeah, I'm about to go nuts. I sold my car in October. I need my own vehicle NOW!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
warning signs
Nymph...no one in a loving relationship should be saying "you can't" especially when it comes to you pursuing an education. That was a final straw between myself and my exH. You need to put your foot down now, because as the years go on he will only get worse.
I only dated a few people in the 5 plus years I was single, but one of the things that impressed me about DH was he asked if I wanted to sit in the smoking section (back when restaurants STILL had one in Ohio!) because on my profile on yahoo personals (how we met) I wrote that I smoked socially. I told him no, because I really did just smoke socially, which meant when I was out having drinks with other smokers. But I remember thinking that the couple of non-smokers I had dated before were adamant that no one smoke in their presence, and that with this guy...I could really be ME, warts and all.
Well that first date impression proved to be true in every way, and though sometimes we really can't afford me to do something (like start my masters) DH will only say, "We'll find a way as soon as possible." NOT "NO we can't afford it which is what exH said over and over, even after he inherited a TON of money and we could have. But he didn't finish his degree, therefore didn't value me finishing mine.
You need to have an honest heart to heart with your BF about what your goals and dreams are. If he doesn't support them now, he never will. You know, Tanning...smoking...well those aren't good for you. BUT...your BF shouldn't be telling you no outright. He's going to be a daddy to your baby, but YOU are not a child.
Peace, love, and red wine
I know.
All of the things he doesn't want me to do (besides being a massage therapist) are bad for me, but I'd still like the freedom to be able to do them without worrying that he'd leave me because of it. I think that's a bit unfair, especially when I sit by and watch him do things and never once play that card on him. The only thing I've ever told him I'd leave him over was if he cheated on me.
He's not really the "sit down and talk it out heart-to-heart" kind of guy. He's the kind of guy that if I bring up something that's bothering me about how he's treating me, he gets all offended and upset and can't talk about it because he gets mad. Which hurts me even more...He always asks me, "If anything I do ever bothers you please tell me and don't bottle it up," but when I do tell him I catch hell for it because he gets so hurt and upset. I really don't know how to approach it to where I'll get my point across without him completely clamming up.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
"He's the kind of guy that
"He's the kind of guy that if I bring up something that's bothering me about how he's treating me, he gets all offended and upset and can't talk about it because he gets mad..."
Not good Nymph. I would say before you commit to marriage draw a line in the sand to see a couples therapist. At the very least go to one for yourself, who will guide you through talking to him. I know in my first marriage, when I asked to go to couples therapy my ex said NO WAY. So I finally announced I was going by myself. My ex was a tad on the controlling side, more with guilt than outright demands on my behavior. So when he knew someone would be hearing MY side only he decided he had to be there to be heard. I think he was afraid if my side only was heard that the therapist would tell me to leave him.
Hmmmm....now THAT should have been a wake up call to him on his behavior eh? Not so though. He thought that I would "exaggerate" his flaws of course. That is my IMAGINED flaws of his!
Here's the main point though. My EX husband. Your BF should keep that one in mind. You can tell him Zen said keep it up if he wants to be your EXhusband some day!
Peace, love, and red wine