I realise I can't marry SO!
The last few weeks I thought hard about my rs with SO. He indicated last valentines day that he would like to "put a ring on my finger" next year, so I suppose I know he thinks about marriage, engagement etc .
It started me thinking- I didn't really say a lot back then when it came up.
I feel so bad when his daughter SD 8 is here- half of my life is not the same- I suffer some anxiety, tummy problems and frequent migraines.He tried to treat her less than a mini wife but when it comes to the "crunch" eg if someone even the slightest has to criticize his offspring he freaks out and gets super defensive- often on my cost. By now I can't stand the situation anymore and long for someone who treats me always like his first and only wife , not only 50% and if I am "well behaved" and keep my mouth closed.Am I selfish? I think I actually am- I am 43 and have three beloved kids on my own- the negativity that I experience about SD is something I am not used to and don't want to get used to.
She is not really a naughty child but has a huge mouth, a princess attitude and is totally depended on Dadaaa.
Dadda is not coming across very sexy in general when he behaves like a overprotective chicken mother around SD.If he would behave like a normal father and man, I doubt I would feel threatened by SD.
Now we will have SD 3 weeks in a row this month and the thought about that is making me so upset.I really don't know what to do. To tell you the truth- when my kids are here (I have them thanks god 70% off the time)I feel ok , but having only her here for a few days , hanging all over daddddaaaa and every minute trying to get his attention, makes me feel like a prisoner.
The worst is that I can't speak to SO about anything or he will be insulted or give me the shits about me feeling like that and daring to say something.
I am aware it is not good .I maybe face a break up with SO in the future.
SO intends to get loud when we have conflicts and he suggested a while ago to find a councellor which I wanted him to do.I also told him that this time I really needed him to do that step for us.Guess what , he never even followed it up.
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Choose2, think long & hard if
Choose2, think long & hard if you want to marry this man & his daughter. It's not so much his daughter as much as it is your SO's parenting approach aren't matching yours. And I know that is soooo frustrating for me personally. You're already a mother of 3 so you have it down. How the hell did you get thrown into this is probably a question we both have in common. Think about it long & hard. If you're not "legally wed" yet, you can afford to say to yourself "My happiness depends on the next choices I make".
Thanks Shook and Chokin.Yes,
Thanks Shook and Chokin.Yes, this is exactly what I realise and the truth hurts a bit.But marrying him would make nothing better but worse.My happiness must come first.This is just insane and to be honest, my love is fading a bit, too.
I studied psychology for
I studied psychology for years before going into law. If a man initiates couples therapy, the relationship is usually already doomed. Women morn the relationship before they end it, and men usually seek help once its already too late. If its not too late for you, get counseling ASAP. If it is, don't torture yourself and just move on
red flags, this is good
red flags, this is good advice.I actually consider to go to councelling just by myself to find some clarity- just actually left a message at a councellor.I am so resentful that SO promised to do this for our relationship and again let me down.But I can't be resentful and not do anything about it.So I decided I want to see someone myself before I get depressed.
I think that is a great idea.
I think that is a great idea. See someone yourself, get your own head and heart sorted, then IF you decide you want to work on the RS ask OH to join you.
Sometimes when step mums who
Sometimes when step mums who don't have their own children have a very strong reaction against their partners children I wonder how much of it is down to a lack of understanding about how little children are. But when someone like you, who knows the ups and downs of children, still finds their stepchild's behaviour unacceptable, and is unhappy with the fathers parenting approach, then that to me is a very bad sign. When SO is also very hostile and defensive in any discussion about those issues it is hard to see how the relationship can work long term. Your physical symptoms are almost certainly because you are forced to bottle up your feelings in order to avoid conflict, so the anxiety manifests itself in other ways. That's a very unhealthy and stressful way to live. As SD hits puberty her behaviour will only get more challenging and frustrating and the scope for conflict will increase even more. I think you're wise to rethink your commitment to this man.
I could have written this
I could have written this myself! Although I have 2 SD’s who are older, 17 and 20. I suffer with the same ailments as you; stomach problems, headaches, anxiety and insomnia. Never was like that before I was with SO.
SO too cannot hear a bad word said against skids without getting on the defensive, unless he is the mood to hear it (i.e. pissed with them at something)…WTF. Although his friends are allowed to ‘skirt’ around the issue….makes me feel like a complete d*ck…like I won’t listen to him or something….jeeeeezzzzzz!!!!
I also feel the same way with regard to ‘if I am well behaved’, but to add further frustration he is able to dish out consequences to me, yet never them (nor have I heard him do so in the past); e.g. transferring my gym & spa membership to his YSD (the gym is 20 minute drive from her, she doesn’t drive (hasn’t been a*sed to get her driving licence) and she has an aversion to public transport) so basically she won’t use it…whatever d*ck, then giving my wedding dress away to YSD friend b/c “she’s a great kid and her parents couldn’t afford to buy her anything like that….WTF (see below)…LOL!!!
Yep….not very sexy in the slightest ….”why do you have to have a glass of wine before you have sex with me now”….hmmmmm….now where do I begin….LOL.
We were supposed to get married last September in the US with no one but our close friends knowing (no one else present as I did not want the drama mini-wife, aka OSD would cause). However, she must have some built in instinct as the 2 months running up to it she cranked up the manipulation, bitchiness etc etc. I realised this was not what I wanted from my life. One big constant ‘battle for supremacy.’ She definitely thinks she is head of the house, he has even told me that. Wish she’d act like it then; she can’t cook, do laundry without it becoming a massive issue, clean any part of her bedroom or bathroom, iron, find a vase without Daddy’s help, put her plate in the dishwasher, pick up her empty glass/can, phone in sick for work etc. etc. etc. Urrrgggghhhh. So a few weeks before the date, I told him I couldn’t go through with it (hence him giving away my wedding dress!! WHATEVER)
He has been a Disney Dad not only after his (1st) divorce (second wife was driven off by OSD) but from what I can tell prior to the divorce as well. I think it is his ego, he wants to be loved and given affection yet without the ‘effort’ and what easier way to attain that, than from a child?? Only problem is, it is the wrong kind of ‘love’.
After receiving great advice on this website I have disengaged but sometimes I just want to scream….DID I JUST REALLY SEE/HEAR THAT...but I just walk away and occupy myself with other things.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, only time will tell. But for me at least I am on my own, i.e. no bio kids. But for you with your own bio children, I would say put them first, as he obviously does so with his D and make sure you and them are happy. Only you know what you feel in your heart of hearts.
Good luck
x